What makes a minus five star match, a minus five star match? On Dave Meltzer's scale, we can go all the way from the full five stars, through DUD into a minus five star, taking in quarter and half stars along the way, it's a faintly clumsy, unwieldy system (in that way, you could say it's like the title of this article) but it's one that works. I began thinking about this when recently a match at this year's BOLA between The Young Bucks & Adam Cole vs Ricochet, Will Ospreay & Matt Sydal got the full *****. This marks the first five for these performers to the best of my research but also, the first for PWG. It got me to thinking about the flipside of this match, the legendary Los Villainos vs Psycho Circus from last year's Triplemania, the only trios tag match to receive the menos cinco. Appropriately, there are but five matches to receive the -***** rating, I thought I'd take a look back at them and try to see if I can work out, what makes them truly, the worst.
First up we have Moondog Spot taking on Junkyard Dog in the second round of 1985's WWF Wrestling Classic. Moondog throws punches as soon as Junkdog gets in the ring, Moondog pulls off a jumping fist to the chest, climbs to the second turnbuckle, fall on his face, Junkdog headbutts him twice from his all fours position, stands up, does another headbutt and then falls on Moondog and counts his own pinfall. I thought I'd just write this out because it lasts forty-six seconds. It's not even the shortest match of the PPV (that honour goes to Dynamite Kid who dropkicks Ivan Putski as he sings the National Anthem for a three count) but boy is it somehow the sloppiest even in that short time. In the battle of these two dogs, it would seem, from this writer's POV that being one of having never seen either of these two men compete before, it would appear that in wrestling logic, Junkyard Dog's head is made of pure steel because three light head taps was apparently enough to just about kill Moondog. This is an odd one for the start of the list because yes it's dreadful, it has no story, no heel or face dynamics and no impressive performances and the ending makes no sense because if the ref isn't in the ring, why not wait for him, timekeeper? Just wait for him to get in the ring, I can only deduce that the issue with this is that it's nothing, it is literally a nothing match which does nothing for either men. There's nothing to say about it, so I'm not going to say anything more. Moving on...
...To Mr.T at Wrestlemania, no not the serviceable tag match from WM but Wrestlemania II's boxing match with 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper. Thirteen minutes. Thirteen minutes this match takes before in the fourth round, the ref takes a bump, Pipes goes for a bodyslam and some ground n' pound and gets disqualified. Thirteen minutes this goes on before we don't even get a proper ending. The worst part is, this isn't a boxing match, it's not a wrestling match, frankly, what the fuck is it? At least the battle of the dogs had the decency to be a rubbish forty-six seconds. I don't entirely know what to say here as they try to pretend that this is a real boxing match, which is fine in concept but neither men seem willing to put any conviction behind their punches. We're watching two men fail to act like they give a shit for a crowd who would prefer to just watch King Kong Bundy competitively sweat (ComSweatative?) against Hulk Hogan. It's not even a satisfying end to a story, it ends with the two men being pulled apart, trying to brawl to each other and then just leaving. Pipes is a legend of course, very few men from his era have been more deserving of a WWE World Title run and never had one but this was just filler, toxic celebrity ego stroking that tries to write in a wrestling ending to a boxing match and as a result ends up failing on all accounts. It could have worked but it didn't. Actually, maybe that's being too polite.
So our next stop on this magical train through shitland is WCW/NwO Halloween Havoc 1998 (which if you'd like to read more on, subtle plug here) with The [Ultimate] Warrior taking on Hollywood Hulk Hogan. Now the immediate problem with this match is that you have to compare it to the minor masterpiece that these two men pulled off at Wrestlemania 6. Actually comparing those two is unfair, if Wrestlemania 6 was Elvis Live in Hawaii, this was Pop Idol winner Steve Brookstein down his local pub reliving past glories but failing to remind anyone why they loved them in the first place. Neither Hogan nor Warrior are able to in any way go like they used to (debatably they never even could but that's a debate for another day) and watching wrestling's most infamous porn tape take on sport's entertainment's highest profile homophobic blogger try and relive such famous spots as 'dueling bodyslams', 'running the ropes' and 'punching' at half speed is not a pleasurable experience. And just when you thought the match was getting dull, the over-booking starts: this match features interference from The Giant (Big Show), Stevie Ray, Vincent, Horace Hogan and Eric Bischoff who straight up grabs the ref and chokes him but the ref doesn't consider this a DQ but then he also ignores a blatant lowblow from Hogan and oh yeah, Hogan setting his bloody face on fire (actually a tad inaccurate, his face on,y gets bloody from setting it on fire). The main issue with this match is the bad taste in your mouth from how clear it is that they brought back the melting waxworks of Warrior and Hogan to duke it out, just so Hogan could have the ego trip of being 1-1 with Warrior but here's the thing: their original fight, while to someone of modern wrestling sensibilities is ridiculously slow, is full of simple storytelling and easy symbolism of torch passing, this one is so ridiculous it literally has the torch blow up in Hogan's face. Of the three matches so far, this one is easily the most deserving of its full -***** rating.
If you know anything about bad wrestling, you had to know, we'd eventually get something from 1999's Heroes of Wrestling. The entire PPV is full of bad matches, weird, sloppy finishes and only one man looking like he's having fun and that's Jake Roberts and he's only having fun because he's at peak drunk. So the match that Meltzer Driver deemed the worst on this particular PPV is the Bushwhackers vs Nikolai Volkoff & The Iron Sheik a match in which a Croatian masquerading as a Russian and an Iranian get 'USA' chanted at them for ten minutes as they fight two New Zealanders. In sticking with the -***** tradition, this is a limited offense match. There's forearms, elbows, headbutts and clotheslines. At one point Sheiky baby locks in something approaching a Camel Clutch to add variation. I should give credit to The Iron Sheik actually, he comes the closest to delivering a performance in this match, especially in a stunning sequence where he threatens to leave the match if the crowd don't stop chanting USA, only to decide to come back just before they get counted out. The heels! This match is of interest as time-wise, it's so close to the WWF reunion of the four men at Wrestlemania 17's Gimmick Battle Royal (because the gimmicks and the battle royal rules are 'over the top'. Geddit?) but whereas that was played for laughs, this one isn't even really played. At one point Dutch Mantel on sedated commentary says words to the effect of 'the referee doesn't seem to have seen Volkoff tag in but I don't think he cares'. He's not alone, a dreadful match but one that frankly, if you expected anything other than detritus from this PPV, you really are an unstoppable optimist.
Our final match (luckily) is from Mexican promotion AAA and last year's Triplémania XXIII where Los Villainos (Villaino III, IV and V) took on the Psycho Circus (Murder, Monster and Psycho Clown). The first question I have about this match is what did Hugo Savinovich think about it? We never got to find out because shortly after the match started, his mic cut out and was replaced with a horrendous fucking buzzing noise (the one good piece of commentary Matt Striker provides is suggesting people imagine he's calling a Killer Bees match. A bad joke but y'know, you take what you can get). You know what everyone loves about trios matches: fast paced action, big high-flying spots, technicos in peril from those dastardly rudos cutting off the ring, well instead here we get some half-speed weak slapping, a few sloppy to reckless looking suicide dives and umm, so which team were we meant to cheer for? Was it you, Murder Clown? Were you the hero we dreamt of as a child, Murder Clown? So the crowd are cheering for both the villains and the psycho clowns so I can only deduce that this is like The Undertaker if he took on Sting, they could try and heel it up but no one wouldn't cheer them. Still, this match does have one nearly functioning dungeon of doom spot till you realise that oh yeah, the clowns are actually powerbombing the two villainos holding the third clown, they're trying to murder murder clown (or is it monster? I didn't keep track) so the match eventually ends after one of the clowns goes for the least convincing chair work this side of Horace Hogan (thank you to Matt Striker for pointing out that it was a chair and that we probably knew that. He's a quick one that Matt Striker) but gets distracted by his respect for Villaino III stops him being able to pin him leading to him getting clumsily rolled up. So I do want to use this time to ask everyone - top rope falling headbutts, has anyone apart from Rey Mysterio ever made them look like anything other than them falling and twatting themself on the ring? It looks especially sloppy when you actually miss the other person and the camera angle needs to cover your shit, Mr.Clown. Put simply, this match is a fucking mess but it's almost a beautiful one, of the five matches here, this is the only one I would watch again. If The Final Deletion was the Sharknado of wrestling, all knowing winks to so bad it's good culture (and no, Delete or Decay was not the Sharknado 2: The Second One of wrestling, Sharknado 2 had a cameo from Kurt Angle, Delete or Decay had Joseph Parks) then this match is feasibly the 1959 Santa Claus movie where Mexican Santa and Merlin fight the devil from Santa's spaceship. It's campy, ridiculous, goes on for a bit too long but is occasionally so utterly tone deaf and so bizarre that it becomes oddly fascinating, not necessarily good (definitely not good) but certainly interesting, and for that reason I disagree with Big Dave and give this *****. Just kidding, it's really fucking bad.
So are these the five worst matches I've ever seen (Really with Mr. T vs Pipes, the question is 'was that a match'?)? I mean they are all undeniably awful but it's hard to really see if these are the five worst I've ever seen, I don't know. But is a -***** even a negative thing? On the surface yes, but there are only five -***** matches, at the time of writing there has been eighty-one ***** matches, so really it's in its own way, more prestigious to wrestle a shitsterpiece than a masterpiece. In my exploration of the backside of the wrestling scale, I don't know if I've learnt what makes a -***** worthy of such damnation, what makes it so much worse than a -**** for instance? I still don't know but here's the thing, none of these matches are worthy of anything less than our complete contempt, sure there have probably actually been worse displays of wrestling than these but for what they represent, it makes sense to keep them as the reminders to all bookers - your match could be next. Don't book matches if you don't think they matter, don't try and make people give a shit about fake boxing, don't try to relive past glories if you were possibly approaching past it when you were living them and just don't watch Heroes of Wrestling. So what makes a -***** match? There's a lot of bad wrestling out there but something stood out that made these special. Maybe what we should take away that just because a journalist thinks something, doesn't make it fact (no, that would mean I don't matter and that can't be true) or maybe we should just take it that Dave Meltzer shouldn't have to represent everyone. If he likes a match, that's fine, if he doesn't and you did, it doesn't mean you can't like that, maybe you wanted to watch The New Day drink piss jugs with Jon Stewart, but just be prepared for someone to disagree with you. I want there to be some deeper meaning to this article than 'I dunno maybe some matches are just always going to suck' but really that's all I've got. A really unsatisfying conclusion to an article about matches with weak endings, it's almost like I planned this all along. I didn't.
Words - Jozef Raczka
Images - James Marston & Jozef Raczka
Editor - James Marston
Hello Turnbucklers! It's edition #9 of our All Star Search and the scores are starting to show who's been impressing...and who hasn't. I'll probably post an article looking at the Wrestler Scores before I get to Wrestlemania 2 and we'll delve into them. Until then, we move forwards in 1985 onto this MSG show in May! Last edition we had what was probably the best show I've watched in the series so far. The card for this one looks like sh*t on paper to me unfortunately with a lot of 1984 jobbers getting some time in the ring. We do get a WWE Title match with Don Muraco who is making his blog reappearance. The main event is exactly the match that should've been on the Wrestlemania 1 card but wasn't, in favour of a DUD. Finally we also get another match between the US Express and the tag champs but let's hope that this is the last one.
The Card:
Rocky Johnson vs Rene Goulet
Jim Neidhart vs Ivan Putski
Pedro Morales vs Terry Gibbs
Hulk Hogan (WWE Champ) vs Don Muraco [WWE Title Match]
Bret Hart vs Rick McGraw
Ken Patera vs Tony Atlas
The US Express vs Iron Sheik/Nikolai Volkoff (Tag Team Champs) [Tag Team Title Match]
The Missing Link vs SD Jones
Jesse Ventura vs Tony Garea
David Sammartino/Bruno Sammartino vs Brutus Beefcake/Johnny Valiant
The Show:
Our commentary team for tonight is Gorilla Monsoon and Mean Gene Okerlund.
Rocky Johnson vs Rene Goulet
Another opening contest featuring Rene Goulet? He must really be thought of highly backstage as he's still going strong being given 10+ minute matches. This is Rocky Johnson's final MSG appearance and his last appearance on this blog for now. Once again this is a 10 minute opener and the term 'nothing special' comes to mind. The main focus seems to be Goulet's missing glove? O...K. Johnson actually looks quite good in this one, showing off both strength and speed which I wasn't expecting so much. It's still weird to hear him being referred to as 'The Rock'. Goulet does get some offense in but its mixed in between his heely stalling tactics. I actually like Goulet, he's easy to hate which makes him a good heel. Johnson gets the 3 count in the end with a roll up and we move on. Match Rating: *
Jim Neidhart vs Ivan Putski
Straight into the next match now and on paper this one is self-explanatory as to what to expect. Neidhart is still fairly new to the WWE scene and Putski is coming to the end of his career. Both are pushed as powerhouses. That is exactly what we get in this one and the early goings are spent by both trying to out power the other. Of course it breaks down into restholds and the pace slows down by a hefty amount. The crowd are alive towards the end and really get behind Putski in his final flurry of offence but its no use and Neidhart counters a suplex attempt into a roll up for 3. Impressive way to end considering the size of both men and how smooth the sequence actually was. Neidhart still looks strong going forward but the match was too slow for the majority. Match Rating: 3/4*
Pedro Morales vs Terry Gibbs
This is another match that doesn't exactly make me jump out my seat. This is Morales' first appearance on our blog. His biggest career peaks came before this show but I'm interested to see how he comes off on his return and whether he's another former great who's still stuck in a former decade style-wise. Terry Gibbs is a perennial jobber here. The commentary team say Morales looks great....but he doesn't. This match itself was sinfully boring. So many restholds at such a slow pace, it was just hard for me to care. Unfortunately the timekeeper plays a harsh trick on me and rings the bell halfway through the match...but it wasn't over! Damn him! Eventually Morales gets the win with a Boston Crab to decent crowd noise, so I assume the crowd only watched the last 10 seconds of the match. Match Rating: 1/4*
Hulk Hogan (WWE Champ) vs Don Muraco [WWE Title Match]
The crowd has really lit up for this one and Don Muraco comes out to major heat with Mr Fuji! Eye of the Tiger plays and the crowd goes mental as usual! The ringbell is doing my head in at this point as it won't stop pissing ringing. Action kicks off straight away as Muraco blindsides Hogan before he de-belts. He lays in the boots before choking Hogan with his T-shirt. Muraco's offense doesn't last long as Hogan hulks up quickly and sends Muraco to the outside. He nails an atomic drop on the floor before they both make their way back in the ring. Hogan starts choking Muraco with his T-shirt now and even finds time to gob in his face...lovely. The crowd don't care though as they are unglued. They head back outside where they trade chairshots right in front of the ref but no DQ. It makes even less sense when Hogan rolls in and out of the ring to break the countout. Muraco actually gets busted open via these chairshots. Back in the ring and Hogan hits a back suplex and soon after, a standing suplex. Its not long before he hits the leg drop for the 3 count. However Mr Fuji had put Muraco's foot on the ropes so the 3 count doesn't count. This gives Muraco the chance to blast Hogan in the eyes with a load of salt for the DQ. Stupid, pointless finish to a glorified squash match. The crowd noise made this match much better but Muraco got no offense in after the initial phase and its safe to say his career ain't going higher than this. This match is very similar to Hogan vs Orndorff from the month before. Match Rating: *1/2
Lord Al Hayes replaces Mean Gene on commentary and immediately acts like a lecherous old git.
Bret Hart vs Rick McGraw
Is this our first blog Bret singles match? It could possibly be! Last month he looked extra good in the tag match with the Bulldog's. This time out he's against Rick McGraw who is the definition of...OK. At this point he's still sporting an extra 'T' in his name. He seems less enthusiastic this time around and it shows in his in ring work. The match is slower than I expected with very little to talk about. Bret did show glimpses of good entertainment but that's all they were, glimpses. McGraw was...OK...considering the last time we saw him he was being jobbed out to Ken Patera quite quickly. Strange commentary as Lord Al rants on about Stu Hart but starts getting a bit creepy. Bret eventually got the win via a second rope elbow drop. I'm quite disappointed with this one and Bret honestly came off as well as any other lower card heel in this one. Match Rating: *
Ken Patera vs Tony Atlas
This card is not getting better is it. Out comes out favourite 1970's throwback in Ken Patera and the immensely roided Tony Atlas. Bobby Heenan is out with Patera so maybe he can add something. Before the match even gets under way, both men engage in a posedown with Patera looking old and Atlas looking camper than a picnic basket. Pretty basic start as both men try to out power the other. Patera gains early control using restholds early on. They end up outside where Patera rams Atlas into the apron before getting back in the ring to pose. Patera locks on a bearhug which Atlas wiggles out of into one of his own. That also looked really gay on Atlas' part. Nice cross body followed by a suplex by Atlas into a sleeper that is quickly broken up. Patera tries to stall but Atlas isn't having any of it and nails an atomic drop. They go back and forth until Patera is sent out to the floor. Patera and Heenan suffer a dreaded double noggin knocker before Atlas gets distracted trying to beat up Heenan/ Patera uses that to nail Atlas off the top rope for the 3 count. Better than I was expecting and better than most the crap on the card. Both men still seem very outdated though. Match Rating: *3/4
Into the back with Mean Gene and Bobby Heenan who is representing the Missing Link. Heenan tells us that everyone better have paid their insurance premiums because the Missing Link is going to be piling up the bodies. The Missing Link says nothing and wanders around the background. Its a middle-aged bloke with Einstein hair and a green face. He looks like someone sneezed on him. Thank God that Heenan gave him at least some legitimacy.
Still in the back and Jesse Ventura is now with Mean Gene. Mean Gene is just as shocked as me that Ventura looks somewhat human. Ventura says he's the best on commentary and the best in the ring so watch out Garea!
STILL in the back and this time Mean Gene is with Johnny Valiant and Brutus Beefcake. They talk about San Fransisco and then the Sammartino's. Beefcake doesn't freeze which is an improvement and actually shows off some good confidence. They're ready!
STILL...in the back with Mean Gene and this time he's with the Sammartino's. Bruno's promo's always seem the most real, no yelling and always confident in what he's saying. David on the other hand is a stuttery mofo. Bottom line...they're ready!
The US Express vs Iron Sheik/Nikolai Volkoff (Tag Team Champs) [Tag Team Title Match]
The heels are out first to big heat as per! 1980's xenephobia really was an amazing heat catalyst, I mean, it's hard to take the champs as seriously as I'd like too but the crowd disagree. Of course Volkoff sings before the match to big heat and I love hit! 'Born in the USA' hits and out come the US Express with Captain Lou Albano. The crowd don't seem as into them as they were 2 months ago which is strange. Big USA chant breaks out right on cue. Quick action to start with the faces taking control over Sheik to major crowd noise. Nice double leg drop by the faces and an atomic drop by Rotundo. Sheik misses a Senton splash attempt which was a nice suprise. Sheik eventually tags out to Volkoff just as Windham comes in and the pace slows down slightly. Windham does gets some shots in but misses a dropkick and the tide doth turn. The heels take turns working over Windham. Sheik hits a lovely gutwrench suplex and maintains control until Rotundo gets the hot tag. It doesn't last long as Volkoff pearl harbours him. Windham takes the time to bust Sheik open on the ringpost in the melee. It all breaks down outside the ring and the champs get counted out but keep their belts. Was a decent little match for what it was but I'm hoping thats the last we see between the two. Match Rating: **
The Missing Link vs SD Jones
Before the match starts, Bobby Heenan lists off a load of face wrestlers and tells them to pay attention. He tells them to pay attention to his newest Heenan family member...The Missing Link. For all that build up, this guy better be good! I should mention that in the time between this show and the last, Orndorff cemented his face turn and fired Heenan. Heenan is now offering $25,000 to anyone to take Orndorff out. None the less, Heenan feels the Missing Link is the dude who will get that dollar. Match is a total squash but christ, The Missing Link looks awful. He's slow, weak and very disjointed. He gets the quick 3 with a falling headbutt/punch (?) from the top rope. I would mention SD Jones...but there is literally nothing to mention other than he just got battered. The officials run away from the Missing Link after the match while Heenan tries and fails to control him. Match Rating: DUD
Jesse Ventura vs Tony Garea
Straight into the next match now as we get the in-ring blog return of Jesse Ventura after his blood clot incident last year. His opponent is Tony Garea who is once again solid, but not spectacular. It takes an age for Jesse to take off all his shit and actually start the match. Of course, even then there's a fair amount of stalling. In fact, the first half of this match is a hefty mix of stalling by Jesse and rest holds by Garea. When Garea is on offense, he works over Jesse's arm throwing in some decent psychology but unfortunately its all for nothing as Jesse forgets to sell. The crowd really hate Jesse here so that adds a lot to this one. Garea gets in a sunset flip and tries to abdominal stretch but unfortunately it all goes sloppily wrong. Finish comes when Garea tries to ram Jesse into the turnbuckle but its countered so Garea levels his own head, staggers down to the mat allowing Jesse to hit a weak looking elbow drop for the win. I really, really wish I liked Jesse Ventura's in ring work more than I do but alas, I don't and this match was crap until the final third. Match Rating: 1/2*
David Sammartino/Bruno Sammartino vs Brutus Beefcake/Johnny Valiant
Time for our main event now and it's not quite a Wrestlemania rematch although this is the match that should've been on the card. Out first is Beefcake and Valiant to big boo's. Valiant is another 70's flashback by the look of him. Beefcake looks like a golden ticket allowing you into Wonka's factory. The Sammartino's come out with a Hogan style entrance (without music) and they get a huge pop, granted though, it was mainly for Bruno. Bruno starts and cleans house early while the crowd go mental. It's apparent though he's aged a little too much to be a regular in ring performer. He seems sluggish and clunky although the crowd distracts you from it. Bruno continues to keep control working over both heels. He works over Beefcakes arm and tags in David who keeps working on the arm. Eventually the heels take control and work over David with lots of chokes and strikes. The finish comes out of nowhere as Valiant misses a charge in the corner and David rolls him up for the win. The heels do some damage to Bruno after the match but in my opinion, they should've left this for a Sammartino feelgood moment. Match itself was better than the Wrestlemania match and I maintain this should've been on that card instead. Still a poor, dull match though. Neither David or Beefcake looked great in this which is wrong considering they're the future. Match Rating: *
So there we have it, edition #9 is done and wow, what a hard show to sit and watch. The things I do for my Turnbucklers. Nevertheless, onto the next show! First...let's see the updated Wrestler Scores.
Wrestler Scores:
Rocky Johnson +4 (10)
Rene Goulet +2 (9)
Jim Niedhart +4 (14)
Ivan Putski +2 (6)
Pedro Morales +2 (2)
Terry Gibbs +1 (4)
Hulk Hogan +5 (41)
Don Muraco +3 (9)
Bret Hart +4 (11)
Rick McGraw +3 (8)
Ken Patera +4 (14)
Tony Atlas +3 (7)
Mike Rotundo +6 (16)
Barry Windham +5 (15)
Iron Sheik +4 (23)
Nikolai Volkoff +4 (15)
The Missing Link +2 (2)
SD Jones +1 (7)
Jesse Ventura +3 (10)
Tony Garea +3 (7)
David Sammartino +3 (9)
Bruno Sammartino +3 (3)
Johnny Valiant +3 (3)
Brutus Beefcake +4 (13)
So there we have our updated list after this show. After edition #10, I'll be going through the scores so far and the patterns and reasons behind them. Hopefully you'll see us in edition #10! Please leave a comment, follow us on Twitter @TheWrestlinDork.
