This is Some Kind of Happening - The Highest Profile Matches That Wrestling Has Left

In this industry, hype is King. So what high profile fights does wrestling have left?

Wrestling, like most things in life, is not as complex as it is painted out to be. It relies on few factors to truly excel: for a match to achieve its full potential it just needs performers that command an emotional investment from the audience; credible action that feels consequential; and an atmosphere that exudes excitement. Simple enough right? Creative stories and intelligent marketing can develop stars and attractions that produce matches that live long in the memory. It doesn’t need to be 5 stars or 6 stars or 6.3333 reoccurring stars; high work- rate is admirable and can elevate wrestling to art but it isn’t vital for creating defining moments. More than anything, for wrestling to really connect, the bouts needs to feel big time, it must have substance. Gorilla Monsoon would call such a match “a happening”: an event that grips the fan-base, as the result’s significance to the business is undoubted. These matches, built on the anticipation of personalities clashing, on outcomes that matter- are the foundation of what makes wrestling special. We admire an indie classic on the night; we remember a happening forever.

Unfortunately, excellent stories and skillful marketing aren’t as prevalent as they might be in the industry: most matches now, while entertaining enough to watch, don’t have the hype, the prestige or the magnitude that render them timeless. Wrestling is certainly fulfilling its mission statement of escapist fun: it’s rare that I switch off the TV or leave a building without having enjoyed the product on some level. But how often do I feel like I’ve watched something essential? Not often enough. Wrestling must do more to create the next wave of super fights to reclaim its relevance. However, that isn’t to say that there aren’t some huge matches on the horizon. There are a few “happenings” that would get Monsoon’s pulse raising. Some of these contests are certain to happen; some require committed negotiations to bring them to fruition. Given the business’ need for moments of consequence, let’s hope that they all come to pass in the coming years and that new memories can be emblazoned into the minds of the fan base.

Brock versus Rock 2

This match, the very epitome of box office sensation- really should have happened by now: after news broke of Brock Lesnar’s return in 2012, just a year after The Rock had re-joined WWE, this was the fight to make. And for a while, that was the plan. The night after Wrestlemania 29, an angle was planned in which Lesnar would decimate The Rock, setting up a scrap in New Orleans the following year. However, the injuries sustained by The Great One during his match with John Cena the previous night proved enough to curtail his involvement and, following the impact of said injury on his Hollywood commitments, he declined to step back into action, his 6 second squash of Erick Rowan at Mania 32 notwithstanding. If he does decide to wrestle again, would he face the explosive and rough Beast Incarnate when safer options such as Triple H are on the table? The Rock might be super human but does Dwanye Johnson want to go to Suplex City? And will Lesnar even be around for much longer? His contract expires in 2018 when the UFC will, despite his age and recent ban, be looking to add star power to their depleted main event scene. 

As Pro Wrestling’s most mainstream crossover stars, complete with a backstory dating back to 2002, this match would be electric and would draw in lapsed WWE fans, UFC fans, films fans- everyone could get behind this. I truly believe this is wrestling’s biggest match but I also doubt it will happen as Brock and Rock likely have other fish to fry. However, in a couple of years, Lesnar might be post-UFC (again) and Johnson’s career might slow down a tad. The prospect of a Mania main event, and the level of publicity and financial remuneration that entails, might be too tempting to resist…

Happening Scale: 5 Gorillas out of 5

Likelihood: 2 out of 5

Okada versus Omega 3

One of the biggest matches that can be staged in all of wrestling is nothing new; it has already happened twice this year. That is testament to the talent of the two men involved; so good are they that Meltzer has had to re-invent the wheel, dishing out stars we never even knew he had.  However superlative the action, and to echo my earlier point, this is about more than match quality. This result matters: can Omega finally beat Okada? Can his One Winged Angel put away the champion? The storytelling has been masterful, with the recent match re-visiting themes and riffs to carry the audience along on this epic journey, making them wait for the definitive pay-off. When the resolution of this feud does occur, this will be more than a stream of GIFs on our twitter feeds; this will be a part of New Japan history that fans discuss for years to come.

Happening Scale: 4 Gorillas out of 5

Likelihood: 5 out of 5

Cena versus Reigns

Some people will hate this match but I forsee it as a company defining moment. Likely to come in 2018 or 2019, this will be a modern day Hogan vs Warrior, with Cena likely doing the JOB for Reigns before one of the hottest crowds imaginable. The match is fresh- they’ve had very little ring time together at this stage- and even if both men are booed at first, chances are that a well booked scrap would encourage everyone to pick a side and get involved. The build to this will likely blend reality and fantasy to maximum effect, playing on the inherent similarities and differences between the two, all the while enforcing the importance of the result to the whole audience.

Happening Scale: 4 Gorillas out of 5

Likelihood: 5 out of 5

Styles versus Nakamura 2

The buzz these two men generated during their brief exchange at Money in the Bank this Sunday would not have been lost on anyone in the office: this match is coming. Again, quality of work-rate is undoubted but the personalities of the two and the fierce loyalties of their fans are hugely significant. AJ Styles is now a WWE fixture who commands respect; Nakamura still has a certain ‘newness’ to him that screams excitement: this would likely be a split crowd who fervently stand by their man in what will be a war to determine who can lead the Smackdown Live brand. Polished video packages and pointed references to their history could compensate for any promo shortcomings while the inevitable tension that arises as the friends slowly grow apart would allow audience anticipation to bubble and boil. This one could go down in WWE history, an equal of all-babyface scraps like Bret Hart vs Davey Boy. Furthermore, the image of AJ and Shinsuke hugging after an intense bout could replace the now white-washed visual of Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit from Wrestlemania 20; in giving the platform to these talented and appreciated workers, WWE could provide an iconic image for a generation of fans. 

Happening Scale: 3.5 Gorillas out of 5

Likelihood: 5 out of 5

Of course, there are other big bouts that could occur if we allowed ourselves to get creative: Stephanie McMahon and Triple H vs Ronda Rousey and The Rock could potentially be the biggest bout in WWE history; anything involving Connor McGregor would have exemplary hype; an in-ring return of Stone Cold Steve Austin would print money; Daniel Bryan heading to New Japan and mixing it up with their stars would legitimise the company to the uninitiated. Could these happen? Of course but they shouldn’t be relied upon. WWE, NJP aW and every company in the world need to look at their stars and examine their programmes, determining what is working, what is not and where changes can be made. Who knows, if promoters resolve to embrace the ideals of consistency and creativity, then the next major box office attraction could be set to unfold before our eyes…

Opinion: Every Minus Five Star Match according to The Wrestling Observer Newsletter or This Is Not The Worst Wrestling Article in the World, This Is Just A Tribute.

What makes a minus five star match, a minus five star match? On Dave Meltzer's scale, we can go all the way from the full five stars, through DUD into a minus five star, taking in quarter and half stars along the way, it's a faintly clumsy, unwieldy system (in that way, you could say it's like the title of this article) but it's one that works. I began thinking about this when recently a match at this year's BOLA between The Young Bucks & Adam Cole vs Ricochet, Will Ospreay & Matt Sydal got the full *****. This marks the first five for these performers to the best of my research but also, the first for PWG. It got me to thinking about the flipside of this match, the legendary Los Villainos vs Psycho Circus from last year's Triplemania, the only trios tag match to receive the menos cinco. Appropriately, there are but five matches to receive the -***** rating, I thought I'd take a look back at them and try to see if I can work out, what makes them truly, the worst.

First up we have Moondog Spot taking on Junkyard Dog in the second round of 1985's WWF Wrestling Classic. Moondog throws punches as soon as Junkdog gets in the ring, Moondog pulls off a jumping fist to the chest, climbs to the second turnbuckle, fall on his face, Junkdog headbutts him twice from his all fours position, stands up, does another headbutt and then falls on Moondog and counts his own pinfall. I thought I'd just write this out because it lasts forty-six seconds. It's not even the shortest match of the PPV (that honour goes to Dynamite Kid who dropkicks Ivan Putski as he sings the National Anthem for a three count) but boy is it somehow the sloppiest even in that short time. In the battle of these two dogs, it would seem, from this writer's POV that being one of having never seen either of these two men compete before, it would appear that in wrestling logic, Junkyard Dog's head is made of pure steel because three light head taps was apparently enough to just about kill Moondog. This is an odd one for the start of the list because yes it's dreadful, it has no story, no heel or face dynamics and no impressive performances and the ending makes no sense because if the ref isn't in the ring, why not wait for him, timekeeper? Just wait for him to get in the ring, I can only deduce that the issue with this is that it's nothing, it is literally a nothing match which does nothing for either men. There's nothing to say about it, so I'm not going to say anything more. Moving on...

...To Mr.T at Wrestlemania, no not the serviceable tag match from WM but Wrestlemania II's boxing match with 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper. Thirteen minutes. Thirteen minutes this match takes before in the fourth round, the ref takes a bump, Pipes goes for a bodyslam and some ground n' pound and gets disqualified. Thirteen minutes this goes on before we don't even get a proper ending. The worst part is, this isn't a boxing match, it's not a wrestling match, frankly, what the fuck is it? At least the battle of the dogs had the decency to be a rubbish forty-six seconds. I don't entirely know what to say here as they try to pretend that this is a real boxing match, which is fine in concept but neither men seem willing to put any conviction behind their punches. We're watching two men fail to act like they give a shit for a crowd who would prefer to just watch King Kong Bundy competitively sweat (ComSweatative?) against Hulk Hogan. It's not even a satisfying end to a story, it ends with the two men being pulled apart, trying to brawl to each other and then just leaving. Pipes is a legend of course, very few men from his era have been more deserving of a WWE World Title run and never had one but this was just filler, toxic celebrity ego stroking that tries to write in a wrestling ending to a boxing match and as a result ends up failing on all accounts. It could have worked but it didn't. Actually, maybe that's being too polite.

So our next stop on this magical train through shitland is WCW/NwO Halloween Havoc 1998 (which if you'd like to read more on, subtle plug here) with The [Ultimate] Warrior taking on Hollywood Hulk Hogan. Now the immediate problem with this match is that you have to compare it to the minor masterpiece that these two men pulled off at Wrestlemania 6. Actually comparing those two is unfair, if Wrestlemania 6 was Elvis Live in Hawaii, this was Pop Idol winner Steve Brookstein down his local pub reliving past glories but failing to remind anyone why they loved them in the first place. Neither Hogan nor Warrior are able to in any way go like they used to (debatably they never even could but that's a debate for another day) and watching wrestling's most infamous porn tape take on sport's entertainment's highest profile homophobic blogger try and relive such famous spots as 'dueling bodyslams', 'running the ropes' and 'punching' at half speed is not a pleasurable experience. And just when you thought the match was getting dull, the over-booking starts: this match features interference from The Giant (Big Show), Stevie Ray, Vincent, Horace Hogan and Eric Bischoff who straight up grabs the ref and chokes him but the ref doesn't consider this a DQ but then he also ignores a blatant lowblow from Hogan and oh yeah, Hogan setting his bloody face on fire (actually a tad inaccurate, his face on,y gets bloody from setting it on fire). The main issue with this match is the bad taste in your mouth from how clear it is that they brought back the melting waxworks of Warrior and Hogan to duke it out, just so Hogan could have the ego trip of being 1-1 with Warrior but here's the thing: their original fight, while to someone of modern wrestling sensibilities is ridiculously slow, is full of simple storytelling and easy symbolism of torch passing, this one is so ridiculous it literally has the torch blow up in Hogan's face. Of the three matches so far, this one is easily the most deserving of its full -***** rating.

If you know anything about bad wrestling, you had to know, we'd eventually get something from 1999's Heroes of Wrestling. The entire PPV is full of bad matches, weird, sloppy finishes and only one man looking like he's having fun and that's Jake Roberts and he's only having fun because he's at peak drunk. So the match that Meltzer Driver deemed the worst on this particular PPV is the Bushwhackers vs Nikolai Volkoff & The Iron Sheik a match in which a Croatian masquerading as a Russian and an Iranian get 'USA' chanted at them for ten minutes as they fight two New Zealanders. In sticking with the -***** tradition, this is a limited offense match. There's forearms, elbows, headbutts and clotheslines. At one point Sheiky baby locks in something approaching a Camel Clutch to add variation. I should give credit to The Iron Sheik actually, he comes the closest to delivering a performance in this match, especially in a stunning sequence where he threatens to leave the match if the crowd don't stop chanting USA, only to decide to come back just before they get counted out. The heels! This match is of interest as time-wise, it's so close to the WWF reunion of the four men at Wrestlemania 17's Gimmick Battle Royal (because the gimmicks and the battle royal rules are 'over the top'. Geddit?) but whereas that was played for laughs, this one isn't even really played. At one point Dutch Mantel on sedated commentary says words to the effect of 'the referee doesn't seem to have seen Volkoff tag in but I don't think he cares'. He's not alone, a dreadful match but one that frankly, if you expected anything other than detritus from this PPV, you really are an unstoppable optimist.

Our final match (luckily) is from Mexican promotion AAA and last year's Triplémania XXIII where Los Villainos (Villaino III, IV and V) took on the Psycho Circus (Murder, Monster and Psycho Clown). The first question I have about this match is what did Hugo Savinovich think about it? We never got to find out because shortly after the match started, his mic cut out and was replaced with a horrendous fucking buzzing noise (the one good piece of commentary Matt Striker provides is suggesting people imagine he's calling a Killer Bees match. A bad joke but y'know, you take what you can get). You know what everyone loves about trios matches: fast paced action, big high-flying spots, technicos in peril from those dastardly rudos cutting off the ring, well instead here we get some half-speed weak slapping, a few sloppy to reckless looking suicide dives and umm, so which team were we meant to cheer for? Was it you, Murder Clown? Were you the hero we dreamt of as a child, Murder Clown? So the crowd are cheering for both the villains and the psycho clowns so I can only deduce that this is like The Undertaker if he took on Sting, they could try and heel it up but no one wouldn't cheer them. Still, this match does have one nearly functioning dungeon of doom spot till you realise that oh yeah, the clowns are actually powerbombing the two villainos holding the third clown, they're trying to murder murder clown (or is it monster? I didn't keep track) so the match eventually ends after one of the clowns goes for the least convincing chair work this side of Horace Hogan (thank you to Matt Striker for pointing out that it was a chair and that we probably knew that. He's a quick one that Matt Striker) but gets distracted by his respect for Villaino III stops him being able to pin him leading to him getting clumsily rolled up. So I do want to use this time to ask everyone - top rope falling headbutts, has anyone apart from Rey Mysterio ever made them look like anything other than them falling and twatting themself on the ring? It looks especially sloppy when you actually miss the other person and the camera angle needs to cover your shit, Mr.Clown. Put simply, this match is a fucking mess but it's almost a beautiful one, of the five matches here, this is the only one I would watch again. If The Final Deletion was the Sharknado of wrestling, all knowing winks to so bad it's good culture (and no, Delete or Decay was not the Sharknado 2: The Second One of wrestling, Sharknado 2 had a cameo from Kurt Angle, Delete or Decay had Joseph Parks) then this match is feasibly the 1959 Santa Claus movie where Mexican Santa and Merlin fight the devil from Santa's spaceship. It's campy, ridiculous, goes on for a bit too long but is occasionally so utterly tone deaf and so bizarre that it becomes oddly fascinating, not necessarily good (definitely not good) but certainly interesting, and for that reason I disagree with Big Dave and give this *****. Just kidding, it's really fucking bad.

So are these the five worst matches I've ever seen (Really with Mr. T vs Pipes, the question is 'was that a match'?)? I mean they are all undeniably awful but it's hard to really see if these are the five worst I've ever seen, I don't know. But is a -***** even a negative thing? On the surface yes, but there are only five -***** matches, at the time of writing there has been eighty-one ***** matches, so really it's in its own way, more prestigious to wrestle a shitsterpiece than a masterpiece. In my exploration of the backside of the wrestling scale, I don't know if I've learnt what makes a -***** worthy of such damnation, what makes it so much worse than a -**** for instance? I still don't know but here's the thing, none of these matches are worthy of anything less than our complete contempt, sure there have probably actually been worse displays of wrestling than these but for what they represent, it makes sense to keep them as the reminders to all bookers - your match could be next. Don't book matches if you don't think they matter, don't try and make people give a shit about fake boxing, don't try to relive past glories if you were possibly approaching past it when you were living them and just don't watch Heroes of Wrestling. So what makes a -***** match? There's a lot of bad wrestling out there but something stood out that made these special. Maybe what we should take away that just because a journalist thinks something, doesn't make it fact (no, that would mean I don't matter and that can't be true) or maybe we should just take it that Dave Meltzer shouldn't have to represent everyone. If he likes a match, that's fine, if he doesn't and you did, it doesn't mean you can't like that, maybe you wanted to watch The New Day drink piss jugs with Jon Stewart, but just be prepared for someone to disagree with you. I want there to be some deeper meaning to this article than 'I dunno maybe some matches are just always going to suck' but really that's all I've got. A really unsatisfying conclusion to an article about matches with weak endings, it's almost like I planned this all along. I didn't.

Words - Jozef Raczka 
Images - James Marston & Jozef Raczka 
Editor - James Marston