Retro Review // WCW Slamboree 1993: A Legend's Reunion

May 1993 - What a time to be alive. This reviewer was an incredible two months old, Ace of Base were top of the UK singles charts and AC Milan put over Marseille in the UEFA Champions League Final. It really was halcyon days (especially for those Ace of Base fans from Marseille). Also who can possibly forget “hairgate”, eh? Well, amongst all that WCW was holding it's first ever Slamboree event! Presented as a “Legend's Reunion” event with appearances from heroes from yesteryear, the event pivoted around a pair of World title matches as Arn Anderson challenged for Barry Windham's NWA World Heavyweight strap and Vader put his WCW World Heavyweight title up against Davey Boy Smith! But how did all go down at the Omni in Atlanta, Georgia? Lets take a look.

A weird little video package leads us into the show, talking some nonsense about legends, because this show is a Legend's Reunion for some reason.

In the ring, a load of old lads are loitering, like Nick Bockwinkel and some other guys, who are all looking around awkwardly. 

Tony Schiavone and Latte Zbssskfko talk for a bit, with Zbssskfko saying something about time fearing pyramids and then something about Davey Boy Smith needing to bring his kryptonite tonight. 

In one of the weirdest moments I've ever seen in wrestling, Maxx Payne played some generic -tune on his guitar, whilst a load of oily slightly muscly blokes carry a velvet thing down to the ring, it has Fabulous Moolah in it. Nothing happens.  

Eric Bischoff and Missy Hyatt had a chat for a bit about Sting and The Prisoner and then the lights go off on them, but bless them they keep talking. Why are they still talking? Where is the wrestling? Stop running down the card. Stop it. 

Tag Team Match – Beautiful Bobby & Chris Benoit vs. 2 Cold Scorpio & Marcus Alexander Bagwell 

This was an odd match, as whilst it seemed to have a lot of potential early doors, the wheels fell off in the second half, concluding with a horrible looking finish. The highlight of the contest saw Chris Benoit & 2 Cold Scorpio produce some great exchanges at pace, getting the crowd excited. The two had just came off a hot bout at the previous PPV and it's clear to see that the two are well-matched for each other, with a developing chemistry, making it surprising that the two didn't get more opportunities together down the years (beyond a 1994 indy show in California). The match then settled into some heely cheating from Benoit & Beautiful Bobby, with Marcus Alexander Bagwell as your face-in-peril, which was fine, apart from the commentary team completely no-selling it. I was fully expecting a Scorpio hot tag to light the match up and send us home, but pretty much everything after the hot tag ended up coming across as awkward, with a real lack of timing, especially on the part of the veteran Bobby. There was an odd dive attempt from Benoit that got knees from Scorpio, where it was unclear what move Benoit was actually attempting, there was the camera getting the way of Scorpio as he attempted to climb the top rope and then there was Bobby breaking up a pin attempt off a strange looking diving splash from Scorpio at one. Oh yeah and that finish. Fuck me. Scorpio hit his Tumbleweed (Diving corkscrew somersault leg drop) and landed arse first on Benoit's head, which looked absolutely brutal. Things were not made any better by Bobby grabbing the referee who was attempting to count the pinfall for the finish, leading to a confusing ending. There was potential here for a good opener and whilst the match showed signs of heading that direction, the confusion of whatever Beautiful Bobby was doing in the end, the horrendous botch on the finish from Scorpio and Benoit and the deadweight that was Bagwell and you end up with a pretty disappointing contest.

Next PPV – WCW's next PPV was Beach Blast on 18th July, where 2 Cold Scorpio & Marcus Alexander Bagwell would team up again to take on Shanghai Pierce & Tex Slazenger (better known as Henry O. and Phineas I. Godwinn in the WWF). Chris Benoit & Beautiful Bobby had to wait a little longer for their return to PPV, however. AAA's When World's Collide show on 6th November 1994 saw Benoit (as Pegasus Kid) teaming with Scorpio, alongside Tito Santana, to take on Blue Panther, Jerry Estrada & La Parka, whilst it took Bobby over two years to make another PPV appearance as he became Lord Robert Eaton and tagged with Lord Steven Regal (bka as William Regal) as The Blue Bloods to challenge The Nasty Boys (Brian Knobbs & Jerry Saggs) for the WCW World Tag Team titles at The Great American Bash on 18th June 1995.

Schiavone & Zbssskfko chat some more shite for a bit, about not expecting the next match to be happening, but it is.

Colonel Rob Parker comes out to confront “Heavy Metal” Van Hammer for something Hammer had said previously. Parker gets some lads to bring out a stretcher and then introduces Hammer's opponents...golly, it's Sid Vicious. 

Singles Match - “Heavy Metal” Van Hammer vs. Sid Vicious (w/ Colonel Rob Parker)

A few punches and a powerbomb later and Sid had conquered Van Hammer. The crowd went mad for it, so what ever. 

Next PPV – At Beach Blast, Sid Vicious tagged with Big Van Vader as The Masters of the Powerbomb to face Davey Boy Smith & Sting, whilst it took Van Hammer over five years to return from this squash when he took part in the Three Ring Battle Royal at World War 3 on 22nd November 1998. 

Eric Bischoff interviewed Red Bastien & Bugsy McGraw, with McGraw wondering around aimlessly and looking into the camera in a weird fashion, whilst Bischoof looked inconvenienced by the supposedly coked up old guy.

Legend's Six Man Tag Team Match – “Dirty” Dick Murdoch, “Magnificent” Don Muraco & “The Superfly” Jimmy Snuka vs. “Chief” Wahoo McDaniel, Blackjack Mulligan & “Jumping” Jim Brunzell 

In principle a six man tag featuring a group of legends sounds like a pretty good idea and I'm sure that these six men in their prime would have had a lovely trios bout under the right circumstances, but these men were not in their prime in 1993. As a theme for the show developed, the early exchanges aren't all that bad. It's basic stuff with a few bodyslams and a couple of headlocks, but it's acceptable, before a surprising headscissors takedown from Dick Murdoch to Jim Brunzell became the unexpected highlight of the match. After that it was downhill quicker than a round of Double Gloucester, with Murdoch hitting a nasty looking thing off the top rope on Brunzell, Jimmy Snuka randomly getting in the ring in the middle of a sequence that he was not involved in and then the match ending for literally no reason when everyone started brawling and the referee called it off. Why? What was the point? Did everyone refuse to job? It came off as a complete shambles with no sense of direction and considering none of these guys were part of any on-going storylines, the point of finishing with a never ending brawl seems completely pointless. 

The lads continued to brawl after the match, with Jimmy Snuka taking a mad bump over the top rope. The camera cut away

Next PPV – Dick Murdoch would be the first of these six to return to PPV, jumping to WWF and appearing in the Royal Rumble match on 22nd January 1995. Don Muraco was next as he'd main event for the short lived American Wrestling Federation against Greg Valentine on 12th May 1995, before later that month Wahoo McDaniel would return for another Legend's Reunion, facing Murdoch on 21st May in what would be both man's final match on PPV. Jimmy Snuka had to wait until 17th November 1996, teaming with Flash Funk, Savio Vega & Yokozuna agaisnt Diesel, Faarooq, Razor Ramon & Vader at WWF Survivor Series. This would however be the final PPV appearance for both Blackjack Mulligan & Jim Brunzell and indeed turned out to be Mulligan's last ever match before his death in 2016. 

Missy Hyatt interviewed Mad Dog Vachon & The Assassin, with Vachon weirdly grabbing the microphone away from Hyatt at one point, whilst The Assassin's mask was ridiculously too small for his massive head and neck. Assassin issued an “open challenge” to Dusty Rhodes for a future match. Okay, hen.

Thunderbolt Patterson got in the ring and said that “Bullet” Bob Armstrong had had some kind of bad knee surgery or something, Ivan Koloff kicked off saying the Armstrong's had weak stomachs and were cowards. This lead to Bob's son Brad Armstrong coming out and offering to be Patterson's partner for the evening. Delightful. The lads brawled for a while before the match officially began, whilst the commentary team laughed away.

Tag Team Match - “The Russian Bear” Ivan Koloff & “The Master of the Claw” Baron von Raschke vs. Thunderbolt Patterson & Brad Armstrong 

A short tag bout, that would end up becoming the best of the three “Legend's” matches on the card. It was hardly anything to go crazy about and I certainly wouldn't come close to calling it a good match, but there was some fun to be had as Ivan Koloff & Baron von Rascke looked on confused as Thunderbolt Patterson was shucking and jiving. Ol' Latte on commentary pulled out a bemusing line, after Schiavone had listed some facts about the competitors, as he proclaimed “You're just a human fax machine, aren't ya?”, which apart from a fun Patterson hot tag was probably the highlight of the five minutes. Patterson hit a thing for the win and we were out of there. 

Next PPV – Brad Armstrong returned to PPV in 1996 challenging Dean Malenko for the WCW World Cruiserweight title at Slamboree on 19th May, whilst Ivan Koloff waited 20 years for his return as he took on Brad's Dad, Bob, at the Superstars of Wrestling 1 event on 16th November 2013. The show would be Baron Von Raschke's last PPV match before retiring in 1996 and also the last ever match for Thunderbolt Patterson, bringing to a close a career that began almost 30 years earlier. 

Flair for The Gold segment

I get that the Four Horsemen were a big deal, but I have no idea why this segment occurred on the PPV. Billed as the return of the original Four Horseman, what we'd end up getting was the worst incarnation the group ever had, as Paul Roma replaced Tully Blanchard (with Arn and Ole Anderson still present). There perhaps wasn't a more puzzling line-up change until Mutya left the Sugababes in 2005. Everyone cut mild promos, whilst Flair said something weird to Ole Anderson about getting his feet wet, before the Naitch went on a mad one revealing he was ready to compete once again challenge The Hollywood Blondes to a match down the line. This would've been an acceptable TV segment, but on this PPV with so much time already given over to interviewing various legends, it felt more than unnecessary. Flair getting us to stare at his future partner Fifi the Maid's arse was also a weird moment.

Johnny Valentine joined the commentary for the next match.

A promo for Beach Blast 1993 aired, which was only really a cartoon beach with some waves and that. 

Legend's Singles Match – Dory Funk Jr. (w/ “Canada's Greatest Athlete” Gene Kiniski) vs. Nick Bockwinkel (w/ Verne Gagne) 

What could be more fun than watching two men in their fifties wrestle to a 15 minute time limit draw? If you said literally anything else then you're absolutely correct. It's hard to blame either man for this, as what would anyone expect from two chaps of their age who had previously worked a much slower style than had been seen earlier in the show, with the majority of the blame lying with whomever decided that this match would be worth doing in 1993. The first ten to thirteen minutes of this are painfully dull, mostly involving the two exchanging holds with no real direction, whilst an uninterested crowd wasn't even roused by a couple of stiff Bockwinkel forearms. The match isn't helped by a lack of character definition, leading to the Georgia crowd starting a quiet but notice “boring” chant as they struggled to remain invested in the NWA vs. AWA concept. The match did manage to pick up in the closing stages, with some decent near falls as the two get closer to the time-limit, but there's also frustrating moments like Bockwinkel putting his foot on the ropes before the referee can even make a count of one after a Funk piledriver, what might have been a world time record for a backslide attempt and Funk's second Gene Kiniski randomly wandering into the ring on numerous occasions without any admonishment from the referee. 

Next PPV – Dory Funk Jr. was back on PPV three years later as he participated in the 1996 Royal Rumble for the WWF on 21st January. This bout would Nick Bockwinkel's last, bringing an end to career that began in 1954 and saw Bockwinkel compete for the likes of AJPW, the NWA and most famously the AWA. 

Eric Bischoff conducted an interview with Lou Thesz and Bob Giegle, who said some things presumably.

Rick Rude called the crowd “inner city sweat hogs” and then he and Paul Orndorff took off their robes. 

Tag Team Match – “Ravishing” Rick Rude & “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff vs. “The Natural” Dustin Rhodes & Kensuke Sasaki 

The one thing I came away from this match with was just how much hotter that crowd was for members of the current roster than they were for any of the legends, as the Omni began to wake up after being put to sleep by two lads in their fifties. This was a basic tag team contest for the most part, with the heels working over Dustin Rhodes, until a really cool Tombstone Piledriver reversal acted as a hope spot for The Natural. Kensuke Sasaki looked great on his hot tag, appeared to be super over with the crowd and came across as  mad entertaining when he started mocking Rick Rude's hip gyrations and then unfortunately the Slamboree curse reared its head and the finish went to shit. I've no idea what was actually happening. Sasuke waited for ages on the top rope to get pushed off, there was some random aimless brawling with Orndorff and Rhodes and Rude hit a crap looking version of his Rude Awakening finish to take the win. With a solid finish and better timing this would have been a rather cool tag bout, but just like the opener it was let down by some sloppy in the final stages.

Next PPV – At Beach Blast, Rick Rude and Dustin Rhodes would clash in a 30 minute Iron Man match for the the vacant WCW United States Heavyweight title, whilst Paul Orndorff put his WCW World Television title on the line against Ron Simmons. Kensuke Sasaki wasn't back on PPV until 26th November 1995, where he was featured in the Three Ring Battle Royal for the vacant WCW World Heavyweight Championship at World War 3. 

WCW Hall of Fame Inductions

Gordon Solie struggled with the rowdy crowd as he introduced the first inductees into the WCW Hall of Fame. Solie listed some dead lads who couldn't be there, including Buddy Rodgers, Andre the Giant, Pat O'Connor, Gene Anderson, Dick the Bruiser, Wilbur Snyder and someone else, asking for a moment of silence that was not very well observed. Lou Thesz, Verne Gagne, Mr. Wrestling II and Eddie Graham (inducted posthumously and represented by his son Mike Graham) were the four inductees with Solie introducing each man and giving us some facts about their lives and careers.

It was back to Missy Hyatt who conducted interviews with Lord James Blears and John Tolos, with Tolos telling us that WCW was the only way to spell wrestling...okay, John, you mad egg. Blears presented Hyatt with a monocle for some reason, which lead to her saying “Tally ho” in what sounded like a German accent, for reasons known only to her.

Bounty Match – Sting vs. The Prisoner 

Come back Nick Bockwinkel and Dory Funk Jr all is forgiven. Good golly, The Prisoner (perhaps better remembered as Nailz in the WWF) is a trash wrestler and even though Sting was coming off an all-time classic with Big Van Vader at the last PPV, he was unable to do anything to stop this match being a car crash. The highlights mostly came from Latte on commentary as he wondered whether the Prisoner was wearing a “fist proof vest” after he no-sold a couple of body jabs from the Stinger and then uttered “nobody in the cell that time” after Prisoner had missed an elbow drop. I also noted that both men were wearing orange at one point, because nothing of interest was happened for quite some time. The action was sloppy from start to finish, with Prisoner being incompetent at both selling and gaining heat, with the crowd completely ignoring a moment when the former Nailz wrapped a cable around Sting's throat and attempted to hang him until he got bored. After a weird moment where Sting double-legged Prisoner as if attempting to go for the Scorpion Death Lock, only to just go for a pin instead, Sting would win with a crap diving clothesline after Prisoner had been arguing with the referee. Easily the worst match on the card, with absolutely no redeeming features, Sting vs. The Prisoner was a steaming pile of wank, in all honesty. Don't watch it. 

Next PPV – Sting would go on to main event Beach Blast tagging with Davey Boy Smith against The Masters of the Powerbomb (Big Van Vader & Sid Vicious), whilst The Prisoner would never grace the medium of PPV again, going on to have a short run with New Japan in 1994, before retiring officially in 2000. 

The same promo for Beach Blast is shown, just in case you'd forgotten what you saw less than an hour ago

Eric Bischoff was joined by The Crusher, who struggled to remember his Grand children's names as he challenged Ox Baker to a cage match, whilst Baker stood next to him randomly patting himself down. These lads keep trying to work themselves into storylines for some reason. The segment ended with Bischoff looking confused as fuck as Baker gave him a big hug. 

Ricky Steamboat explains that he and Shane Douglas are wearing masks, body suits and sombreros tonight, because the outfits had previously bought them a victory over The Hollywood Blondes. In reality they kept the mask on because it was Tom Zenk and not Shane Douglas that was tagging with Steamboat that night.

Steel Cage Match for WCW/NWA Unified World Tag Team Championship – Dos Hombres (Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat & Shane Douglas*) vs. The Hollywood Blondes (“Stunning” Steve Austin & “Flyin'” Brian Pillman 

*Actually Tom Zenk 

A good Steel Cage match with a terrific closing stretch, this was easily the best match on the card up to this point. The foursome use the cage well at points, including a creative spot with Steve Austin being hung upside down and a Ricky Steamboat double crossbody, but at times it feels like this would've been a better contest outside of the confines of the cage, with their being very little animosity between the two tandems. There's a couple of moments of sloppiness, especially in the middle, with the aforementioned spot with Austin almost ending in disaster, as well as rough looking dropkick from one of the Hombres moments later and a shit looking spinebuster (I think?) from Austin. However, everything from the Hombres hot tag (seemingly to Steamboat) is bloody superb work, with Steamy lobbing lads into the cage and pulling out the always popular, doubble noggin' knocker. It's then onto a brilliant sequence of near falls for the babyfaces, with Steamboat jumping off the top, followed up by DDT's to both Austin and Pillman and then a pair of dropkicks all not being enough to take the titles of the Blondes as the Omni comes unglued with the best reactions of the entire show. Whilst the Blondes then picking up the win feels like an anti-climax, the sequence that leads to Austin nailing a stungun and Pillman hitting a DDT is very well put together, with it's intricacies only really noticeable on the replay. The matches with Shane Douglas are better, but this is another decent addition to the Hollywood Blondes vs. Dos Hombres rivalry.

Next PPV – The Hollywood Blondes would put their tag straps on the line at Beach Blast against the Four Horseman tandem of Arn Anderson & Paul Roma. Ricky Steamboat would have to wait until Fall Brawl on 19th September, where he'd put his WCW United States Heavyweight Championship up against Lord Steven Regal. Tom Zenk would stay with WCW until March 1994, but didn't receive another opportunity on PPV, before a short-stint with AJPW and then retirement in 1996.

Stu Hart, Mr. Wrestling II and Dusty Rhodes joined Eric Bischoff for another bizarre interview as Rhodes accepted The Assassin's challenge and started taking his clothes off, whilst Wrestling II seemed to have no idea who either man was and then Hart babbled about his family and put over Davey Boy Smith's chances in the main event.

Singles Match for NWA World Heavyweight Championship - “The Enforcer” Arn Anderson vs. Barry Windham © 

Whilst it was held back by an eleven minute run-time, Arn Anderson's challenge for Barry Windham's NWA World Heavyweight title still manages to tell a strong story, with enough big spots peppered in between to give this clash a real main event feel at times. With both men being members of the Four Horsemen at times, the story centralises around Anderson attempting to get into Windham's head with early covers attempts as the two exchange sportsman-like holds, before quickly erupting into a wild brawl that spills to the outside. Windham being the first to crack with some big strikes and a gruesome looking knee strike, leads the match well towards it's storyline peak with Anderson clattering Windham's head off the barricade twice and the Texan beginning to bleed relatively heavily. The use of blood is very effective here as it sells just how far the issue between the men has come from their good-natured wrestling at the start, whilst also adding to moments later in the match as Windham grows more and more desperate to end the contest and walk out with the belt in anyway he possibly can. In terms of spots, a dropkick from Windham that knocked Anderson off the top rope to the floor and is then followed up with suplex on the floor are amongst the highlights, whilst a well-timed out of nowhere spinebuster from Anderson gets a spectacular pop, despite being undersold by the commentary team (with Windham quickly rolling to the outside). The finish does come across as flat, mostly because the match had struggled for convincing near falls previously, as Windham nails Anderson with the title belt, after the ref had been chucked across the ring by a frustrated Arn, before simply getting a cover for win. Perhaps it's the times we're living in or that it was only 11 minutes into a World title match, but I fully expected Anderson to kick out before the match would head towards a much more satisfying conclusion, but nope, that did not happen and I looked to a non-existent camera in a way that would've made Martin Freeman proud. As you'd expect with these two lads, they don't put a foot wrong here, with a number of well-done sequences, both pure wrestling and brawling, but there just isn't enough of it. This bout is worth checking out, but be prepared to feel slightly unfulfilled by the time it ends.

Next PPV – Barry Windham would successfully defend the NWA World Heavyweight Championship against 2 Cold Scorpio at Clash of the Champions (16th June), going on to face Ric Flair with the title on the line at Beach Blast, whilst Arn Anderson challenged for the WCW/NWA Unified Tag Team belts with Paul Roma opposite the champions, The Hollywood Blondes. 

The commentary team discussed Davey Boy Smith getting involved in Big Van Vader's public workout the previous night on Saturday Night, before leading into the main event. I guess this was the closest we got to a hype package in 1993.

Singles Match for WCW World Heavyweight Championship - Davey Boy Smith “The British Bulldog” vs. Big Van Vader © (w/ Harley Race)

Big lads, big lads, big lads. Big Van and Davey Boy put on a really good power vs. power contest, that is loaded with power moves, some splendid highspots and actually a couple of good wrestling sequences as well. The first two thirds of the contest are especially well done, beginning with some simple “show and tell” sequences as we see that Vader's power is having little effect on Smith, before quickly snowballing into big spots like Vader missing a crossbody attempt on the floor and flying over the guardrail, before Smith gets to  show off his power with a beautiful powerslam on the floor (after hoisting Vader up over the guardrail and onto his shoulder in one smooth motion). The two shows a good chemistry when working quicker sequences also and whilst the two keep things relatively simple, it's clear that both know what will work and stick to it, as they use the fake out sunset flip spot, as well as Vader blocking a crucifix pin attempt with a ring-rattling modified samoan drop. The match begins to lose its way a little when Vader comes flying off the top with a splash and then loudly shouts “SHIT” when he lands awkwardly on his knee. Harley Race plays for time on the outside as Vader looks to finish the match, but it's clear that the match would have been much stronger in the closing stages had Vader not suffered a minor injury mid-match. We do get a great looking electric chair drop, that gets an equally electric reaction from the Omni, as well as Race breaking the cover after a running powerslam, but the match eventually ends with Vader clobbing Smith with a four-legged chair for the DQ. Another disappointing conclusion, in a show that is riddled with uncreative booking and lazy endings.

After the match, Marcus Alexander Bagwell and 2 Cold Scorpio both attempted to save Davey Boy Smith unsuccessfully, before Sting was able to come flying down the ramp to save Smith from a powerbomb...setting up this supposedly...

Next PPV – Both men would remain in the main event for the next PPV, Beach Blast, as Big Van Vader tagged with Sid Vicious as The Masters of the Powerbomb, against the team of Davey Boy Smith & Sting. 

Eric Bischoff was joined by Magnum T.A. To discuss the result of the match with Magnum putting over the quality of the competitors.

Tony Schiavone & Latte Zbssskfko spoke to Verne Gagne, who put over the talent of WCW, saying he was shocked at the quality on the roster, before the lads wished us a good night. 

The credits roll to close the show as some lovely generic rock music plays us out. What a time to be alive 1993 was, lads. 

Seriously, take out the Legend's matches and there's a good PPV in here somewhere. Bobby & Benoit vs. Scorpio & Bagwell and Rude & Orndorff vs. Rhodes & Sasaki both aren't perfect but feature some good wrestling at points and whilst Sid Vicious's short return and the god-awful Sting vs. Prisoner match aren't worth your time at all, the show ends up finishing with three good to very good title matches that have plenty of variety. Whilst all three finishes are anti-climatic the trio of bouts that close the show are all well-worth getting your peepers on if you haven't seen them already. But the Legend's matches all coming back to back mean that I wouldn't recommend this show as a complete experience. That would be irresponsible. The whole legends concept sounds pretty cool on PPV, but with the multiple interviews and the fact that the crowd couldn't have given a crap for any of these lads that WCW dragged out to them, in execution it's a shitshow pretty much across the board. 

Next time - TNA Lockdown 2006 

The Non-Fan Review // Mysterio vs. Guerrero from Halloween Havoc '97

So far, I've seen Hulk Hogan fight an actual giant; I've seen blood in the ring; I've seen Vince McMahon shaved, the unstoppable Undertaker, the women of wrestling - even Santa Claus had a go. But those are all heavyweights (well, maybe not the women). Now it's time to see what the lighter wrestlers are up to. They're athletic, they're keen, they want to show what they can do. How different can it be?

First, a chap in purple lycra emerges from a graveyard. Fireworks go off around him. This is Rey Mysterio Jr. He reminds me of a cartoon superhero I saw years ago, called the Phantom. On the other side, Eddie Guerrero appears, wearing shiny metal trousers and a smirk. He ain't popular. The trousers alone may be responsible for that.

The two wrestlers seem to be fighting over... a mask? Well, whatever. Makes as much sense as fighting over a belt (which I think is also at stake). Rey gives a spare mask to a boy in the audience. Couldn't he just give one to Eddie and save all the hassle?

So far, this is wrestling as it always has been - flashy and over the top. A good start!

The match begins. We have a few moments of trash talking before Eddie throws a punch. Rey ducks, clobbers him back and then all hell breaks loose. Rey Mysterio Jr seems to think he's Spiderman, leaping over his opponent, throwing backflips off the ropes and even reversing a throw in midair. When he does end up on his back, he sends Eddie flying with a well-timed push from both legs.

I'd like to see Hulk Hogan try to pull off these moves. He'd probably break a hip - and not the other guy's.

More gymnastics ensue as the two collide against the ropes. I'm not sure who tried that charge but they both go spinning over the top of the ropes and Eddie lands hard. Rey goes one better - while his opponent is getting up, he bounces off the far ropes, flips over the top of the near ones and attempts to land on top of him.

It seems his purple spider sense isn't working for him, as he misses his mark and Eddie slings him down onto the floor. A kick to keep him down, and then Eddie runs him around the ring and into the steel steps. Ouch! When will they put some padding on those?? Eddie isn't done - he chucks Rey back into the ring, then mounts the rope and somersaults onto his opponent. Rey jerks in pain as his back takes the brunt.

Well, that's what you get for showing off, kids.

Eddie showboats to the booing crowd while Rey staggers to his feet. Eddie punches him, slaps him down again. Pulling Rey back up to his feet, Eddie slings him into the far ropes, clearly having never watched another wrestling match - predictably enough, Rey reverses the throw and it's Eddie that bounces off the ropes... and into a flying kick.

Rey is back, and the Ghost Who Walks has summoned the power of ten tigers (seriously, go watch that cartoon). He doesn't just bounce off once set of ropes - no, he bounces off TWO - and then he gets creative again. Eddie responds to his reverse-flip-starjump by snatching him out of the air and slamming him on the mat. Rey writhes in pain, again.

Eddie stands back for a moment, but it's clear that the other man isn't giving up. Eddie picks Rey up by his neck, lifts him up in the middle of the ring and drops him back down. As Rey sits up, Eddie shoves him back down and lies on top of him. One! Two! Thr- nope, he's moving again. The referee calls Eddie off. Eddie is displeased.

Time for another round of abuse. Once again, Rey is helped up by the head. He's slung into the ropes, then grabbed on the way back and thrown back down. Another pin! One! Two! Rey kicks out, and the hold is broken.

Eddie argues with the referee. Rey struggles to hold onto his mask as Eddie tugs at it, wanting to claim his prize regardless, and the referee merely shouts louder. But it seems to work. Eddie gives up and returns to wrestling with what seems little more than a lifesize ragdoll. And what better way to pick up your opponent than by giving him a wedgie?

Pinned under one arm, in a standing position, Rey seems helpless. Eddie can't resist tugging at that mask again. But it won't work - this mask is part of the whole suit! We really don't want to see Rey stripped of his entire outfit, do we?

Half a minute goes by, and then Eddie grows bored. Time to do something else - like pick Rey up, hold him over his head, then slam him down onto his knee. Rey sprawls. Eddie pulls him back from the ropes, flips him over and sits on top of him. The referee counts, but Rey kicks out. Eddie sits back down on him. Rey kicks out. And a third time. And a fourth. The commentators have lost interest at this point as they start talking about other wrestlers.

It's now clear that, having been unable to do anything of note for several minutes and apparently half dead, Rey is going to make a comeback and win the match.

Eddie's fifth (sixth? I lost count) pin is a little more adventurous - he decides to push off with his feet and kick Rey in the chest. Maybe then he'll lie still? But Rey seems to know it's coming - he plants his feet in Eddie's chest and kicks him away. What happens next is hard to describe - Eddie pulls him up, Rey jumps onto the top rope, then he somersaults back down and takes Eddie with him. Both hit the mat, both winded.

The two men get back up, Rey immediately bouncing off the ropes and kicking Eddie in the face with both feet. Eddie rolls out of the ring. Rey doesn't even wait for Eddie to get back in - he's bouncing off the ropes, ready to carry out some more deft gymnastics and jump onto Eddie as he returns to the ring - but Eddie slips in too early, Rey lands on empty ropes, and Eddie kicks him out in return.

They never learn. Stop showing off!

Eddie follows him out. He picks Rey up, shoves him into the metal railings. Eddie throws him back into the ring. Rey crawls away as Eddie strides in for the kill, opting for a squatting hold with Rey's arms across his legs and his back arched in a rather uncomfortable angle. Rey screams, not for the first time. And Eddie's ripping at that mask again - dude, no! You'll ruin it!

Eddie squeezes with both arms, trying to pop Rey's head off, but the referee breaks them up. Eddie picks Rey up, wearing him like a backpack - this is apparently the "Gory Special", named after Eddie's father, Mr Gory. I'm not sure what the idea behind it is as it doesn't seem to be causing any harm - and then Rey suddenly flips off his back and throws Eddie over his head!

As Eddie gets up, the Ghost Who Walks aims a flying kick with both feet - and misses. Eddie's kick to the back of Rey's head doesn't miss.

Eddie follows up with a complicated move that doesn't seem to do anything, picking Rey up and dropping him again in a staggered descent while he drops to one knee. Rey looks finished anyway; Eddie rolls him onto his side and tries to pull his arm off, one knee planted in Rey's back and one leg tucked behind his other arm. This carries on for another remarkably long time.

Rey, unable to perform his trademark gymnastics, returns to his trademark screaming.

Eddie seems to grow bored and lets him go. Rey rolls away, but Eddie soon pulls him back to his feet. Another complex move takes place - Eddie throws Rey into the ropes, then drops to the floor as Rey runs over the top of him, then slams into him as he bounces off the opposite ropes. Another pin takes place, but Rey kicks out straight away - probably because those hideous trousers ended up right in his face. Those things could get a reaction out of a corpse.

The referee separates them. Eddie pulls Rey up by the mask, whacks his head into the corner of the ropes, then slaps him in the chops for good measure. Rey falls to his knees. Eddie lands another punch, but Rey blocks the next and lands one of his own. The two slap each other a few more times and then suddenly Eddie's in the corner and Rey is elbowing him repeatedly in the face. I'll say this for Phantom Rey - he goes down quickly but he comes back just as quickly.

Slap! Eddie is reeling. Rey grabs his arm and throws him towards the centre of the ring, but Eddie reverses it and Rey gets a kick in the keks for his trouble. Eddie then runs him towards the far corner and Rey tries to pull a somersault off at the worst possible time - he ends up hanging from the corner by his feet, arms twitching like a crazed spider. Eddie wastes no time kicking him in the chest while he's vulnerable.

The commentators seem to think that Rey is trapped and cannot get out of this position (by, for example, lifting his feet off the top rope). Eddie grins, a smirk so wide the top of his head is in danger of falling off. He walks to the far corner. If he had a moustache he could twirl, he would be twirling it like crazy right now. He runs to the corner, feet ready to deliver a fatal kick to Rey's helpless body.

Rey pulls his upper body away from the mat, and Eddie slides into the corner post. The only fatalities are the contents of his trousers. Hey, bloodstains could only improve them.

Eddie staggers painfully out of the ring. Rey unhooks himself (trapped, indeed!) and climbs onto the top rope, ready to leap - and he does! More like a flying fox than a tiger (or a purple spider, come to that). He collides with Eddie, and Eddie collides with the railings that keep the audience away. Both stagger upright, but Rey is first to recover and throws a backhanded punch to Eddie's face.

Eddie is thrown gracelessly back into the ring, and Rey follows. Rey picks him up and throws him into the ropes. Which, predictably enough, leads to a reversal! Eddie switches roles, sending Rey flying into the ropes instead, and grabbing him on the return. Rey goes up, Eddie throws him down, and then... double reversal! Rey flips in midair, lands on his feet and leaps crotch first into Eddie's face. He somersaults end over end, landing with Eddie underneath him. Pinned! The referee counts - 1! 2! And Eddie kicks free.

Rey turns to find Eddie running towards him. A mighty arm slams the purple spider phantom back onto the mat. While Rey gets his breath back, Eddie and the referee have a brief discussion. I have no idea what about, but one hopes it might be fashion tips. Those trousers are giving me a headache.

Rey seems dazed now. Eddie throws him into the ropes, bouncing him off and towards the far ones, but suddenly Rey is awake again. He jumps onto the ropes, using them as a springboard to somersault over Eddie's head and land behind him. This is followed by another complicated string of movements - Rey leaps for Eddie, Eddie dodges, Rey grabs the ropes, Eddie grabs his legs and spins him around, Rey grabs the ropes again, Eddie gets flipped over the ropes and out of the ring. This whole sequence takes about five seconds at most.

Rey goes for another unwise attempt to bounce off the far ropes and leap onto his opponent. This time it actually works - the two men go spinning into the railings, Eddie taking a bash to the head while the Amazing Spider-Phantom has a slightly softer landing. It takes a moment for both men to get back to their feet, and it's Rey half walking, half dragging Eddie back into the ring. Eddie gets to his feet while Rey climbs the ropes.

Sigh. More trick shots. This one is apparently called a corkscrew. Rey spins backwards into the other guy and they both go sprawling. But when Rey goes for a pin, Eddie comes back to his senses. The hold is broken. They both seem to take a moment to catch their breath. Sorry, guys, you'll both have to keep going a little longer!

Rey almost gently helps Eddie back up. Then he's picking the man up, and chucking him back down. I don't know whether he has the strength left for any more fancy moves. Or maybe he does - he climbs the ropes, then flips backward onto Eddie - who raises his legs at a pivotal moment and sends Rey sprawling. Eddie responds to these showy gymnastics by picking him up, sitting him on his shoulders and slamming him down onto the mat. There's another one of Eddie's weird pins, this time with his head between Rey's legs (any attempt to describe it further will only sound weird, so you'll just have to see for yourself). But Rey kicks out, and Eddie is shoved away.

We're coming to the end now, and it looks like Eddie and his terrible trousers are going home with a new mask after all. Eddie picks Rey up like a rag doll, then runs into the corner post with him. Rey cries out on impact. As Eddie walks to the far corner, ready for another charge, Rey can only stagger slowly and painfully to his feet. Eddie charges in, screaming, but Rey is more alert than he looks - he drops down and sends Eddie flying over him, head first into the post. Ouch.

Eddie seems surprisingly intact, but is still unable to resist when Rey leaps backwards with the back of his fist in Eddie's face. Quite why Rey feels the need to fall over as well I don't know. Rey is up and raring to go again - an astonishing recovery - and he's going to try something stupid, signally to the referee and crowd with some arcane finger twiddling. As Eddie rises to his knees, the Amazing Spider-Phantom makes an agile leap onto the top ropes.

Rey leaps into Eddie's waiting arms. Rey hits the mat, Eddie apparently wondering what the hell just happened. Oh well. Eddie decides to do something stupid himself. (The commentary suggests this is going to be a "frog splash" or something like that - is Rey about to croak?) Eddie climbs the ropes, and LEAPS across half the ring. Rey simply rolls out of the way.

Eddie recovers fairly well, rolling on impact and soon back on his feet, but Rey is already charging for him. But his attack - apparently an attempt to suffocate Eddie with his underwear in a flying leap - goes awry AGAIN. Eddie pushes him up and over his head, and Rey lands astride that corner post by his delicates.

Before he has chance to recover, Eddie is climbing up behind him for a hug. Or maybe not. Rey throws his elbow back to dislodge the unwelcome advances of his opponent - no means no, Eddie - and a few punches eventually do dislodge him. Eddie changes his approach, sitting back to back with the Mysterious One and lifting him up, up, up... it's time for a throw! The two men tumble to the mat, but it's Rey on top when they land. One mighty leg hold and a three second count later, the bell rings - it's over!

Rey "The Phantom" Mysterio has, incredibly, managed to win the title. The referee hands him the customary belt. And then WHAM! Eddie's back, and he's MAD. He grabs Rey's mask again, still tugging as the two men spiral back into the middle of the ring, and Rey is flung out, still clutching his new belt. Eddie stands in the ring and gets booed; Rey, however, has what he came for and strides purposefully (but quickly) for the exit. I don't really blame him.

Summary: This is what happens when wrestlers see "The Matrix" - they start leaping about the place and pulling off somersaults. And, like most of these showy tricks, they usually go wrong. If you want to win a wrestling match, it seems the best tactic is to be boring.

It also looks like the winner of most of these bouts is the one with more fashion sense, though that usually isn't saying much.

----

I also had the opportunity to watch Nick's match, the 2016 NJPW bout between Will "Captain Britain" Ospreay (flashy and ridiculous) and Ricochet (tattooed bad boy in beard and not quite enough leather - he looked less naked when he took the leathers off and stood in his red undies).

Rey Mysterio Jr loves his gymnastics, while Steady Eddie seemed to prefer a more traditional wrestling style. Here we have two Reys at once - they leap over each other, spinning in cartwheels and somersaults, more an elaborate dance than a wrestling match. It's fast, it's flashy, it's a much more complex arrangement than Rey and Eddie, and I got the sense that the two men were performing together more than fighting each other.

It's a thrilling watch, but it's also bristling with humour. There's overacting aplenty. There's actual SWEARING (you'd never get language like Will's on WWE). There's even spitting! But the funniest moment for me was when both men struck each other with a roundhouse kick to the head at the same time - and both hit the mat at the same time straight after.

But maybe there's more going on between these two than we know. At the end, as they squared up and shook hands, I wasn't sure whether they were going to come to blows one last time or kiss...

Next up for Andrew // Jimmy Havoc & Clint Margera vs. Rickey Shane Page & Drew Parker in DEATHHOUSE from Fight Club: Pro Project Mayhem VI - Night One.

Release Date - 20th March 2018

Written by Andrew Williams // @ADW_Author

The Non-Fan Review // Women's Evolution

Two blokes who've had little time for professional wrestling...watch professional wrestling...then write about professional wrestling. That's pretty much the premise that we're building this series around. A slight change to format this month as our two non-fans watch two seperate matches along the same theme. This month it's women's wrestling under the spotlight as Nicholas Peat watched Lita & Trish Stratus tagging against Stacy Keibler & Torrie Wilson in a Bra and Panties match from WWF Invasion 22nd July 2001, before Andrew Williams checks in with Sasha Banks vs. Bayley over the NXT Women's Championship from WWE NXT Takeover: Brooklyn from 22nd August 2015. What will our intrepid graps newbies make of their respective matches and what will we learn about their opinions of Women in pro wrestling? Let's go.

Nicholas Peat on... Trish Stratus & Lita vs. Stacy Kiebler & Torrie Wilson from WWF Invasion

Do you know what the best thing is about James Marston, creator of Across The Pond Wrestling and all around top bloke?

It’s not his winning smile, impressive turn of phrase or how he promised to slip me a fiver if I began my review this way. (EDITOR’S NOTE: NO, I DIDN’T. HONEST.) It’s that after five sessions of having me, a red-blooded alpha male with a predisposition for womanly flesh, watch sweaty, muscular men run around and grapple, he’s kindly given me some female totty to watch. (On a side note, there was a girl with the surname Totty in my class in primary school. I think she lives in New Zealand now.)

Flashback to July 2001! The Nintendo GameCube was about to be released in most of the world, Ant & Dec hadn’t left SM:TV Live just yet and Wikipedia was just six months old.
But even more dramatic than all of these things was the first ever Bra & Panties Tag-Team Match Up™! So what does such a match entail, I hear you enquire? Well, it’s beautifully simple, the commentator informs us: strip you opponent down to her bra and knickers and you win.

Wrestling gets no better than this, surely?

It seems that this is a battle between two duos, each representing a different group: WWF (as it was called back that, before the panda-loving wildlife bagged the initials) and a group I don’t know called WCW.

In the traditional video introduction, we’re introduced to Stacy, an extremely lengthily legged blonde who likes posing in front of desk fans. She lets us know that “WCW women always come out on top.” She is my favourite, calling it now.

As if to draw contrast, we meet the WWF damsels: an extremely serious ginger bird called Lita (pronounced like “litre”) and a blonde wench who goes by Trish Stratus. We learn via flashback that Trish “planted a big old kiss on Lita’s boyfriend, Matt Hardy”. THE LITTLE TART! But that’s not all, Trish also kissed Matt’s brother, Jeff… which for some reason incenses Lita. Hmm.
Cut to two chaps, one who looks a lot like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo and the other with a bandana on his head like Axl Rose, who watch Trish and Lita cat fight on telly. At this point, in slink the WCW babes: Stacy and a similarly flaxon-haired chick, known as Torrie Wilson; the politely shake hands with the gentlemen. What a lovely first impression, these seem to be well brought up young ladies, I’d be thrilled to take them home to meet my mother… Actually, forget I said that, the doxies just smooched the boys and said “nice meeting ya!”

“What was that all about?” asks Shaggy, reasonably.
“I think those girls digs us,” opines Axl, bemusedly.
The WWF birds have been ruffled. It’s on now.

But hark, strange sounds in the air! “Hey, that’s Mick Foley’s music! What’s Mick Foley doing here?” demands the commentator. I’d be happier if someone explained who the her heck Mick Foley is. From context, he’s our special guest referee: a vision in tracksuit bottoms, a checked shirt over a Universal Studios t-shirt and Matthew Kelly beard.

Do they have to pass an entrance exam to be a referee?

Then the music softens, a WCW logo appears on the big screen and out skips Torrie Wilson in the girliest way imaginable; in her red “COWBOY” top, silver sci-fi trousers and white trainers, she plays with her hair and winks at audience members and I go slightly gooey inside.

Cut to Mick, who has the dirtiest smile I’ve ever seen on a man. Lucky sod. Torrie steps in (making sure to stick her arse out as much as possible), then starts chatting to Mick. We can’t tell what they’re saying but she just be good at telling jokes, from Mick’s chuckles.

Following with one hand on her hip (like she’s impersonating half a teapot) is Stacy Keibler, in a fetching red leather top/black trouser combo. No flirting or waving for this babe: she strides straight to the ring as fast as her maxi-legs will carry her, her arms swinging wildly as she does so, like she’s trying to keep balloons in the air. It’s at this point that the camera focuses upon a man holding a sign saying “WE WANT PANTIES”. I think he’s been directed to the wrong part of the shopping centre.

And now for out first WWF waif: out bounds Trish Stratus, short of fetlock but big on glittery blue leggings, with a black tank top to complete the image. Trish stops before going into the ring, leaving Stacy and Torrie to jump and dance in front of his eyeline so she can’t charm him. Cute.

(Here, the cameraman chooses another odd sign to show us. This one says “I WANT TO SEE PUPPIES”. I genuinely have no idea how anyone could mistake this wrestling arena for a pet shop.)

But when the camera comes away from the man searching for a doggy, Lita is already out and body-popping. Head-banging like a madwoman, she is wearing a white top and the most chav-tastic trousers I have ever seen; seriously, there’s a pocket on those blue leggings for every letter of the alphabet. Once she finally stops posing and joins Trish outside the ring, the WWF girls dive into the ring with perfect synchronicity… only for their WCW rivals to slap them away! This is fun.

DING DING DING! The WWF birds slam their foes down and start hitting them; while Torrie turns the tables and starts giving Trish a good whacking, Stacy rolls out of the ring. Mick tries to restrain Lita for some reason (I don’t think he needs much excuse) and Stacy runs off somewhere, maybe to ask George Clooney if she can borrow his Batman outfit; as the commentator mentions, “thongs are legal".

Wonderful cat-fighting ensues as Trish drags Torrie up by her hair, before Torrie breaks free by kicking Trish in the girl-goolies. A good exchange of slaps from them both, before they collide with each other, leaving Torrie the worse off. Poor lamb. Trish attempts to pull Torrie’s top off, but then Stacy appears from nowhere (just like Hong Kong Phooey) and drags Trish away from her comrade by her hair! It’s two against one now, with Lita just standing there and not helping; luckily, Trish is canny enough to knock both her assailants down single-handedly. I love a woman who takes initiative.

Trish tags Lita in (is that the system they’re using now?) and the WCW lasses just stand outside the ring, arguing the toss about who is going in. Lita has no time for such folly: she shoves Torrie off and drags Stacy in, tearing her top off to reveal a canary yellow bra. Yellow is nice.

Stacy, clutching at her breasts like she’s frightened they’re about to drop off, tries to do a runner! Managing to give Lita the slip, Stacy engages in what I call “Baywatch running” (i.e. running V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y, lest your bosoms pop out to say hello) with Lita in hot pursuit, only for the latter to end up trapped on the end of the ring like a beached porpoise. Seizing the moment, Torrie holds Lita’s legs down as Stacy tears off her top, revealing the titian-haired wench’s purple/green camouflage bra. Her knockers will certainly be well hidden when she goes hiding in the indigo forests of Swindon.

Lita, creatively, uses her own shirt as a garrotte to flip Stacy by her neck; fittingly, the cameraman chooses this moment to show us yet another sign held by a fan: “CAN I BUY YOU A FISH SANDWICH?” I’m beginning to think half the attendees are confused shoppers looking for the nearest Asda!

As the commentator explains: “Mick Foley is dong very little officiating in this match. I don’t blame him.” That makes two of us, son; Lita stands on a corner with the intention of punching on Stacy like a naughty little kitty - but the leggy blonde dodges, letting the WWF virago crash headfirst.

Stacy tags Torrie in as Lita tags in Trish; a few blows exchanged, then Torrie gets inventive: she stands on Trish’s hair and pulls the harridan up by her arms. HOW UTTERLY EVIL! Drunk off her clever idea, Torrie temporarily forgets how shirts work and tries to take Trish’s top off while still standing on her hair; this gives Trish to roly-poly out while successfully de-trousering her, revealing her tiny, white KNICKERS! Torrie is as SHOCKED as I am! But in the confusion, Trish’s shirt HAS ripped off, so each of the fighters has but one garment left.

In a moment of magical choreography, Trish drops down and acts as a stool so that Lita can jump into Torrie, giving the WWF birds a chance to tear her top off. Utterly astonished by the development, Torrie dashes off.

Where has Stacy been all this time? Well, she’s stopped clutching her norks as if they’re going to escape, so maybe she’s been having them screwed on tighter. Whatever the case, Trish drags the remaining WCW combatant into the ring, letting Lita backflip onto her. Realising their advantage, they both desperately tear the remaining clothing off of their foe; at this exact moment, the commentator decides to go through puberty: “I said it all along: you wanna be a winner, you take Stacy’s pants.”

…Indeed. So they tear them off (plus her trainers - though she’s still wearing her socks, so it’s not JUST her bra and panties…? Ah well, it seems to count) and Stacy seems utterly despondent about it. Poor love, I’d cheer you up, Stacy. I know lots of jokes too.

The victors walk off proudly leaving the referee to clean up. The commentator raises a valid point: “What is Mick Foley gonna do with the garments?”

…I have a couple of ideas but I daren’t say them on a family website.

FINAL SCORE: 10/10

I know what I want for my birthday now.

Andrew Williams on... Sasha Banks vs. Bayley from WWE NXT Takeover: Brooklyn

I wasn't sure what to expect with women's wrestling. Are they just as tough and melodramatic as the men? Bayley's entrance suggests otherwise - the screens flash "Bayley!" as she dances into the arena, decked out in ribbons of gold and white and black.

Then Sasha emerges, in a car, flanked by four ripped bodyguards in black. She's wearing Venetian blinds for sunglasses and struts on with every bit as much sass and stage presence as the queeniest of the male wrestlers. She even has her bodyguards lift her into the ring. Maybe this isn't going to be so different after all.

Sasha parades around the ring, cradling her championship belt. Bayley is not impressed by all this showing off. She's here to take it from her.

And they're off! The bell rings and the two ladies... don't do much. They're just standing there. Then they start chatting. I don't know what Sasha is saying but Bayley doesn't like it - suddenly Sasha is slapped down and the two girls are rolling about on the floor and slapping each other around the head.

The referee bravely intervenes to separate them. Bayley immediately leaps back against her opponent on the mat, then starts bouncing off the ropes for another charge. Wham! Smack! She tries to pin Sasha down but the match isn't going to be quite that fast. Sasha pulls away.

I can already see one huge difference between the men and the women here. Male wrestling is all about strength - huge guys with big, heavy blows. Female wrestling is more about speed - this match is by far the fastest paced I've seen.

Bayley helps Sasha up, and then throws her towards the ropes - but Sasha twists away and Bayley takes the brunt of it. As she staggers away, Sasha presses her advantage, smashing Bayley's face into the corner post several times. "NOOO!" yells Bayley, grabbing the other girl and doing the same to her.

Bayley then picks her up, spins her upside down and hangs her over the post by her feet. She gives herself a good run-up and then SLAM into Sasha's stomach. Sasha falls in a heap. Bayley drags her into the middle of the ring by one foot, tries another pin... but Sasha kicks out with both feet and the referee breaks the hold. Not yet, Bayley.

The two girls separate, and then charge at each other. Bayley aims high, but Sasha ducks low and grabs her around the stomach. Now it's Sasha going for a pin and Bayley kicking out, but as they get up Sasha aims a savage kick to the stomach. Bayley winces.

Smug, Sasha takes Bayley's hand and hurls her into the corner again. She charges in after, but Bayley turns her shoulder into the charge and Sasha reels back. Bayley climbs the ropes and leaps into her, the two girls spinning over each other. Sasha rolls out of the ring, Bayley standing ready for more.

The referee orders her back into the ring. Sasha argues back at him. Bayley takes the opportunity to charge after her, sliding across the mat and landing both feet in her face. I approve. It's very bad form to argue with the referee.

Bayley slips out, picks up her opponent and throws her back under the ropes. She's out to win, and she's not putting up with all this nonsense. But as she climbs back in, Sasha aims a knee at her midriff. Evil! She then threads Bayley through the ropes in the corner so she can attack that exposed belly. But as Sasha prepares to leap down upon Bayley and snap her like a twig, Bayley slips out of the way. Foiled!

But it isn't over for Bayley. Sasha is mad now, and she aims a few punches to the head before grabbing Bayley's neck in an armlock and preparing to flip her into the ring. Bayley resists with a flurry of blows to Sasha's back, which is enough to force her down again. Sasha kicks out again, and Bayley falls gracelessly out of the ring.

Sasha struts around, mocking her opponent. Bayley gets back in the ring, but since she's instantly grabbed, pummelled, dropped to the ground and sat on, one wonders why she bothered. Sasha resorts to hair pulling before the referee breaks them up. (Hair pulling is largely absent from male wresting, perhaps because most of the men have no hair to pull.)

Sasha pulls Bayley back up by her hair, and slaps her in the back a few times. Sasha bounces off the ropes and slams her back into Bayley's. This fight has switched completely - Bayley was taking the lead early on, but now all the fight has been knocked out of her and Sasha has turned mean. Her next move as Bayley groggily sits back up is to bounce off the ropes, spin on the spot with a "Wooo!" and then slap her in the face. I'm not sure how that one's supposed to work.

Sasha goes to pin the lacklustre Bayley. But the other girl hasn't given up yet. She kicks out, and the hold is broken. But has she got any fight left in her?

Maybe so. She slowly rises up and aims a swift double handed punch to Sasha's chest. This is not very effective. Sasha retaliates with a kick that sends Bayley flying. She strolls slowly over, grabs Bayley's head and tries to twist. For several agonising seconds, Bayley struggles to avoid her head being twisted off her neck. "Come on, Bayley!" she yells. "You're a loser!"

It's the referee that breaks them up, under that cardinal rule of wrestling that says you can't bore the audience with one hold for the entire match. Sasha decides to try strangling Bayley with one of her own arms instead, and finds using both Bayley's arms at once is even better. Several more seconds pass.

Surely there's no way to get out of this? But Bayley tries. She slowly climbs to her feet... and then Sasha simply lets go, shoving her into the corner post. Bayley drops. Sasha argues with the referee again, planting a savage kick into Bayley's prone body as she does.

I have decided that I don't like Sasha.

The evil one picks Bayley back up and shoves her into the post again. Bayley is barely conscious at the moment, but she deflects a punch and shoves her tormentor away. Sasha slaps back. Bayley fights back, but it's a feeble effort. Once again Sasha hooks her feet into the ropes and prepares to break her opponent in half.

As before, it doesn't work. Bayley slips under her, catches her in midair and... fails to deliver. Sasha wriggles free and Bayley drops to the mat. Sasha is mad again. She really wants to do her special move, so she hooks Bayley back up again and decides to soften her up with a frenzy of blows to the stomach.

The referee tells her to do something else, so she lines Bayley up against the post, picks up her legs and hooks her not into the middle ropes but the very top ones. The commentators groan. Sasha climbs outside the ropes, ascends the post and drops onto that exposed stomach with both knees. Bayley falls in a heap. Sasha lands on her colourful feet.

Now it must be over! Sasha pins her opponent. The referee counts... and Bayley breaks the hold again! It's not over! Sasha looks like she can't believe it either. Bayley crawls into the corner while Sasha trash talks. ("You think you're better than me?" In many ways, yes...)

Bayley instantly wins my respect by booting Sasha in the chest. It sends her flying but, better still, it stops her talking. Sasha charges back and Bayley grabs her and throws her into the post. As Sasha returns, Bayley trips her up, falls on top of her and punches her repeatedly in the head while yelling a lot. Not all those punches seem to connect, but the yelling is consistent.

Sasha pulls free. Bayley picks her up, hurling her into the ropes, but Sasha bounces back and aims a savage kick that Bayley dodges. Bayley charges in, but more hair pulling results and Bayley falls out of the ring - but not without slamming Sasha into the mat on the way down. This entire paragraph takes less than ten seconds.

Bayley sprawls. Landed badly, perhaps. Sasha climbs out of the ring to press her advantage, sitting on her rival and pulling her arm at a rather awkward angle. This arm has a wrist brace on it - perhaps from a previous injury - and Sasha decides to go one better by removing the brace. This is very unsporting, but apparently legal.

Bayley is hurled back into the ring, then hurled back out of it. She lands on that damaged wrist. Sasha then takes that injured hand, leads Bayley over to the steps and smashes it down on them. As Bayley writhes on the floor, Sasha continues to yank on that hand and, when Bayley resists, she stomps down with one foot.

She's not done yet. Next she takes Bayley's injured hand, wedges it between steps and ring, and smashes the steps themselves. I'd buy this move a little more if it weren't for Bayley's overacting while trying to free her hand, which she manages without much difficulty when Sasha kicks out. I'm also pretty sure that kicking the steps like that is moving them away from the hand, not crushing it like the commentators seem to think.

Bayley may have a broken hand, but I doubt it. While Bayley rolls about on the floor and the referee checks on her, Sasha returns to the ring. But not for long - while Bayley gets to her feet, Sasha runs out of the ring, somersaults over the referee and lands squarely on Bayley's shoulders. Down they both go!

Sasha is up first, pulling Bayley up by the hair and throwing her back into the ring. She tries to pin, but Bayley kicks out again. How much more can she take?

Sasha pulls Bayley up and returns to her favourite mode of attack - trash talk. The only word I can make out is "loser". She slaps Bayley in the face, then leads her by the hand to the corner post, but as she climbs the post for some dastardly finishing move Bayley regains her senses and shoves. Sasha falls out of the ring at some height. Both roll about on their respective floors.

What's this? Sasha is being counted out! But as far as I can understand it, if she's counted out like this, she retains the title. She doesn't have to beat Bayley - she just needs Bayley to fail. But she doesn't want to just beat her opponent, especially on a technicality. She wants to humiliate her, and that's why she crawls back into the ring as the count reaches eight.

A slapfight ensues, both girls on their knees. Bayley seems to think nothing of using her "broken" hand to lay a punch or two. They continue to yell at each other and trade blows as both rise slowly to their feet. Then Bayley throws the other girl into the ropes and slams her down as she bounces back! And again! And again! Sasha just keeps bouncing back and slamming back down!

Bayley then lets out an Amazonian yell, charges headfirst into Sasha in the corner and rolls away. Sasha sprawls. Bayley then does... something, possibly a dance move, before charging into Sasha again. She pulls her out of the corner, tries a lift, tries again... and Sasha flips over her head and crashes down again. SMASH.

Bayley showboats, then goes for a bearhug. Sasha tries to return the favour, then aims a punch that only serves to spin her around. Bayley pins her against the ropes, rolls her right over, picks her up twice, then goes for a slam on the mat. Sasha reverses it, and Bayley goes down hard. She's pinned again, and this time there's no easy way out. She crawls desperately forward, Sasha hanging on with all her strength. We've seen this trick before - if the pinned wrestler can snag the bottom rope, their opponent has to let go. I still don't understand that one.

Sasha isn't having any of this, using a free foot to stomp down frantically at Bayley's outstretched (and injured) hand. But while she hooks that hand down with one leg, Bayley reaches out with the other hand and... yes! She's grabbed the rope! Both girls roll away.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Bayley has grabbed Sasha in a pin instead! How? What? She tries to pull back Sasha's head like a Pez dispenser, and the two spin slowly around as Sasha tries to grab a rope and Bayley turns her away. Then, finally, a foot snags that bottom rope - the hold is broken.

The two girls sprawl on the canvas. Do either of them have anything left? Bayley is up first, but as she goes to pick up her opponent Sasha lashes out with a foot and Bayley staggers back. This only makes Bayley angry. She charges back in, picks up Sasha's feet and, while Sasha hangs onto the ropes for dear life, she shakes her like a duvet cover. Sasha pulls away, but Bayley grabs her in a very unfriendly hug, hurling her into the mat and pinning her once more. The referee counts...

...and it's still not over! Sasha kicks out and the two separate. As both girls gasp for breath, the crowd chants out what I think is "This is awesome". I could be wrong.

Bayley picks up the struggling Sasha and hangs her on the ropes, then moves her to a sitting position on the top of the post. This is always a dangerous approach, Bayley. They have a nasty habit of springing to life while you're setting up your finishing move. You did it to her yourself a few minutes ago! However, it seems all Sasha can do as Bayley climbs up after her is flail a few weak punches at her back.

Bayley grabs her with both arms, but Sasha perks up a little more and, with a load of desperate flailing, manages to push Bayley away. Bayley is so annoyed at having her trick shot ruined that she runs up and punches her in the face. She tries again, mounting the ropes ready for a huge flip - and Sasha slaps her down! Bayley tumbles to the floor.

Sasha takes advantage of Bayley crawling towards her by leaping down from her perch and into Bayley's neck. She tries to pin the challenger, but Bayley suddenly convulses and the two girls flip over. Now Bayley is on top and Sasha underneath! Pounding the mat in frustration, Sasha crawls free.

As the match comes to what must at last be the endgame, Sasha gets to her feet. Bayley is still on the floor, her energy spent. Sasha picks her up and sits her on top of a corner post, facing out. There's an exchange of exhausted slaps between the two girls and Sasha is knocked away. Bayley tries to get into a better position, punching Sasha repeatedly as the champion moves in, and while she's dazed Bayley climbs around to sit on her shoulders. Then Bailey drops down, the two flip over and both land on the mat. SLAM!

Bayley gets up, flips her opponent once more and pins her to the mat. The referee counts and it's all over - Bayley has won! The new champion of the NXT! Hurrah!

But that belt is never going to go with her outfit.

Bayley's friends come in to celebrate with her. And then... so does Sasha! Four girls hugging, all friends again, all enmity apparently forgotten.

In summary...

This is the first female wrestling match I've seen, and if this is typical they certainly last a fair bit longer. It was much faster paced, but it was also a lot meaner - the boys just want to beat each other up, while the girls want to humiliate each other. The slapping, hair pulling and trash talk add a new dimension.

I've never been entirely convinced by the "acting" of the male wrestlers, but it kind of works. They're performing in a play of sorts, and their characters are quite broadly painted. The female wrestlers are better performers, but this actually makes it less convincing for me. I find it hard to buy the trash talk and the desire to bring each other down when the two girls are hugging and friendly again at the end of the match. But which is the lie, and which is the truth?

Next time...We challenge Andrew's theory that men's wrestling is "all about strength - huge guys with big, heavy blows" as we treat our Non-Fans to some Junior Heavyweight classics. 

Andrew watches...

Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Eddie Guerrero in a WCW Cruiserweight title vs. Mask match from WCW Halloween Havoc from 26th October 1997...

Before Nicholas views... 

Will Ospreay vs. Ricochet from New Japan Pro Wrestling Best of the Super Junior XXIII - Day Six from 27th May 2015...

See you next time.

Article by Nicholas Peat (@NPChilla) & Andrew Williams (@adw_author)