Retro Review // WWE Judgment Day 2004

May 2004 – The Frankie/Eamon debacle was dominating the music charts, Friends aired its last ever episode and WWE's SmackDown brand was promoting Judgment Day. The show was promoted around three singles matches, with a lot of big name talent...and Rene Dupree. Dupree was set to challenge John Cena for his newly won United States Championship, whilst Booker T went head to head with The Undertaker and the newly rechristened John “Bradshaw” Layfield found himself with an opportunity for Eddie Guerrero's WWE title. Whilst the undercard didn't appear to offer all that much, there was potential for a good PPV if the top matches could deliver...but did they? Lets take a look. 

So, yeah, the show begins with the traditional video package...but this one takes on a much darker tone in retrospect and actually becomes a little hard to watch as it focuses on the theme of Judgement (because it's Judgment Day obvs). You're probably wondering what makes this dark, that would be the heavy focus on Eddie Guerrero as the voice over says “Is there actually life after death? Or are the memories we create here the only true after life?” In May 2004, this wouldn't have meant all that much (although I still feel it would've felt unnecessarily over-the-top), but considering Guerrero passed away less than a year and half later, watching the footage in May 2018 is a little uncomfortable. The open also included John “Bradshaw” Layfield, Booker T, The Undertaker, Rene Dupree and John Cena.

Our commentary team of Michael Cole & Tazz welcomed us to the Staples Center in Los Angeles, California, after some pyro and what have you. Hugo Savinivich & Carlos Cabrera were there to provide Spanish commentary, good lads. 

Tag Team Match - Rey Mysterio & Rob Van Dam vs. The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray & D-Von)

This was a fun, well-booked opener, that played to it's strengths and despite going a little too long in this reviewer's opinion, managed to keep the Staples Center hot and behind the ultra babyface duo of Rey Mysterio & Rob Van Dam throughout. The Dudley Boyz dominated the majority with plenty of intensity and heely tactics, with Bubba Ray in particular shining as he repeatedly distracted the ref to do something dastardly. Bubba's character work was on point here, as he showed glimpses of what would become his Bully Ray character in TNA many years later and it was clear from this that he had the most potential for a singles run. Mysterio & RVD are a fun team and the brief flashes of offence from them provide just enough to buoy the bout at the right times, whilst also both selling the beating they take from the Dudleyz well. There's a couple of instances of awkardness, like a poorly conceived monkey flip from RVD to Bubba Ray and an overall lack of cohesion from the Dudley Boyz, who appear to operate as two singles wrestlers rather than the well-oiled machine that you'd expect at this point. However, the finishing stretch features a couple of nice near falls and the highlight of the match as RVD pops Mysterio straight up into a frankensteiner to D-Von. Probably not quite good enough to go out of your way to check out on it's own, but it works as the curtain jerker and the Staples Center loved everything Mysterio & RVD had to offer.

Next Pay-Per-View – At Great American Bash on 27th June, Rey Mysterio defended the Cruiserweight Championship (which he won on the 17th June SmackDown) against Chavo Guerrero, Rob Van Dam got a shot at John Cena's United States Championship in a Fatal Four-way, whilst The Dudley Boyz battled The Undertaker in the one and only Concrete Crypt match as the main event. 

A very young and oddly dressed Josh Mathews hosted a weird interview in Booker T's lockeroom, that for some reason was filled with candles, concluding with Booker revealing that a mysterious pouch will help him beat the Undertaker in their match later on the show. Booker's performance actually wasn't all that bad, but the gimmick is stupid and has very little to do with anything that he said.

Some shots of the outside of the Staples Center, which was bathed in sunlight on what looks like a lovely afternoon all round.

This show continues to get weirder as SmackDown General Manager Kurt Angle arrived in what I can only describe as a contraption, pushed out by Luther Reigns, with Angle rising up into the air whilst sitting in a wheelchair with a French flag on the back. Angle proceeded to cut a cheap heat promo on Los Angeles, ending by wishing an earthquake on the city, before calling out Torrie Wilson and telling her if she lost her match with Dawn Marie she'd be fired...this was apparently because Angle had blamed Wilson for the injury he'd suffered at the hands of the Big Show. I'm not familiar with the angle, but it sounded pretty lame. 

Singles Match – Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie

This match is trash, pure and utter trash. Apart from swathes of sloppy strikes and awkward reversals, the “highlight” of the match was Wilson attempting to hold the tights on pinfall (despite being a babyface) and “accidentally” revealing Marie's arse to the Staples Center. This gets a massive pop. Despite their being a clear storyline to be told, with Wilson being thrown straight into a career-threatening match against a woman who had previously shagged her Dad to death, the only thing that garners a reaction is the sight of woman's (almost) bare backside. Someone should let this crowd know about the internet or indeed actual women. If you ever want to show someone an example of how far women's wrestling has come in WWE over the last 15 years, this is probably a good place to start. 

Next PPV – The Great American Bash would see Torrie Wilson's momentum halted as she lost to Sable, whilst Dawn Marie wouldn't return to PPV until October's No Mercy where she'd tag with The Dudley Boyz in a losing effort against Charlie Haas, Miss Jackie & Rico. 

Whilst surrounded bottles of champagne, John “Bradshaw” Layfield cut a promo on America, with strong xenophobic overtones, before ending by claiming that he will be victorious over Eddie Guerrero later on. 

Singles Match – Mordecai vs. Scotty 2 Hotty

The ludicrously dressed Mordecai's first of just three broadcast WWE bouts saw the 6 foot 3 Memphian squash former WWF Light Heavyweight Champion Scotty 2 Hotty. If this had been on an episode of SmackDown it would've been a decent introduction to Mordecai as he looks pretty impressive at points, showing good intensity and has a couple of inventive spots like a sneaky submission hold around the ring post. But this is PPV and a match like this really has not place on an event that people are paying for. The highlight was a short Scotty comeback that got a massive pop from the crowd as he hit a superkick that busted open Mordecai's lip. The Crucifix powerbomb that Modercai wins with is a lame choice as finisher and nowhere near the best incarnation of the move. 

Next PPV – Mordecai took on Hardcore Holly at The Great American Bash, whilst Scotty 2 Hotty wouldn't be back on PPV until January as he took part in the 2005 Royal Rumble, with this bout being his final PPV singles match.

Jacqueline presented Chavo Guerrero with some underwear backstage, whilst Chavo Classic was seen with his trousers around his ankles for some reason. 

WWE Tag Team Championship Match – Rico & Charlie Haas © (w/ Miss Jackie) vs. Hardcore Holly & Billy Gunn

This really was a match of two halves, beginning with some dated homophobic comedy and concluding with a rather good closing sequence. The first six minutes of the match was bad comedy, which with 2018 vision is not a lot of fun to watch, as everyone seems afraid of the effeminate Rico, who constantly feels up his opponents. Basically, Rico was rehashing the Goldust gimmick and not doing so all that brilliantly, but it has to be said that the Staples Center seemed to lap up all the various sexual positions that the competitors fell into. 2004 was a world away in more ways than one it seems. Also why was Billy Gunn so afraid of Rico now? It's like Billy & Chuck has been retconned. The beginning is made all the more frustrating by the fact that the finish features some of the best work on the show so far, with all four men delivering high quality back and forth action, as the momentum changes repeatedly, before Rico nails Holly with a superkick just before Holly can hit an Alabama Slam on Haas. If the company had been more focused on putting on good wrestling than telling a bad joke, then this could have been a very satisfying ten minutes. 

Next PPV – After dropping the Tag Team titles to the Dudley Boyz on 17th June SmackDown, Charlie Haas would compete in a singles match with Luther Reigns at The Great American Bash, whilst Rico would wait until No Mercy in October for the aforementioned six person tag match, which would turn out to be his final PPV match with WWE. Billy Gunn and Hardcore Holly would both compete in singles matches at Great American Bash, against Kenzo Suzuki (Gunn's last ever one on one match on a WWE PPV) and Mordecai respectively. 

A quick backstage promo from The Undertaker and Paul Bearer that really offered up nothing of note.

The commentary team discussed how much “voodoo” Booker T would have to bring in order to defeat The Undertaker later on. Fuck off. 

Highlights of Chavo Classic beating Jacqueline on SmackDown and Jacqueline pulling Classic's trousers down after the match. Fuck off. 

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match – Chavo Guerrero (w/ Chavo Classic) vs. Jacqueline (C) 

This was lame. I hated pretty much everything that happened here, from the counterproductive gimmick of Guerrero having one arm tied behind his back to the presentation of Jacqueline to the multiple interference spots from Classic in the finish. No one came out looking good, no one got any extra heat, the Cruiserweight title looked like a joke and I wanted to scratch my eyes out with a rusty spoon. I don't want to talk anymore about it. 

After the match, Chavo Guerrero cut a short promo about something, before Chavo Classic kicked Jacqueline in the gut. Brilliant. Well done.

Next PPV – Chavo Guerrero would drop the Cruiserweight title to Chavo Classic on the SmackDown following this PPV (in a three way that also included Spike Dudley), with Classic later dropping the belt to Rey Mysterio. At The Great American Bash, Guerrero received a shot at Mysterio's title. Jacqueline would be released by WWE the following month, eventually resurfacing in TNA in November, facing Trinity at Victory Road.  Jacqueline would make her WWE PPV return 14 years later at the 2018 Royal Rumble. 

A quick package lets us know that Rene Dupree and John Cena are feuding because Dupree hates the United States and also for some reason, Torrie Wilson. The highlight of their feud seemed to be Dupree powerbombing Cena through the announce table. 

John Cena got to do a little rap before his match, which was not great and pretty much buried Dupree, but was over with the LA crowd. 

WWE United States Championship Match - John Cena © vs. Rene Dupree

Not a classic at all here, as Rene Dupree showed us why this was his one and only one on one WWE PPV match. The French Phenom looked sloppy when taking and receiving offence for pretty much the whole bout, whilst the early exchanges were particularly poor as Dupree struggled to get over the top rope on a clothesline spot, before taking a weird looking bump into the turnbuckle off an Irish whip. Whilst Dupree would later hit a number of big moves, including a spinebuster, DDT and a clunky neckbreaker, the Frenchman either didn't cover Cena or was slow to the cover, which made the then 20 year old grappler come out of the match looking like a bit of chump. Whether this was purposefully done to help John Cena, I'm not sure, but it certainly didn't help the match. For his part, Cena looked competent, but it would be stretch to say that the Massacusettsan appeared to have anywhere near the star potential that he'd develop in coming months and years, although he was notably over with the LA audience (although they appear to be happy with what has been a pretty awful PPV so far, so lets not trust their reactions anymore). The highlight was a big spot that saw Dupree dodge a crossbody while on the apron, sending Cena over the top and to the floor and even this didn't make a whole load of sense if you thought about it for more than half a second. It looked cool though, so there's that.

Next PPV – Both Cena and Dupree would be involved in a Four-way match for Cena's US title at The Great American Bash. 

Kenzo Suzuki is coming to SmackDown and he tells us so in Japanese, I imagine. 

The package for The Undertaker vs. Booker T showed once again how inept the SmackDown creative department was at the time as whilst the storyline appeared to initially be run of the mill as Booker attempted to establish himself after jumping from RAW to SD, it quickly devolved into Booker enlisting the help of a voodoo priestess and putting dirt from a graveyard into a bag. Why? 

Singles Match – The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer) vs. Booker T

This would be a poor match if anyone was involved, but considering you have two top level talents in here, it makes for an even more painful watch. The gimmick that Booker has a bag of dirt that he keeps rubbing on himself for somekind of advantage is bad enough, but when you consider that it gives Booker absolutely no help, even when he resorts to lobbing the dirt into the Deadman's eyes it produces some of the most mind-numbing action either man has ever been involved in. It's clear that neither guy gives a shit about the match, with The Undertaker in particular half-arsing his performance, no-selling his leg after Booker spent some time on it, whilst also struggling with his ring positioning on a number of occasions. Both men do shit looking version of their signature holds for the finish of what must be considered some of the least inspired work of either man's career.

Next PPV – At Great American Bash, The Undertaker would face The Dudley Boyz in the main event, the first ever and indeed only, Concrete Crypt match, whilst Booker T would be involved in the four-way bout for the United States Championship. 

John “Bradshaw” Layfield's rise up the card was the main thrust of the promo package for the main event, until the despicable angle that saw Eddie Guerrero's mother “suffer a heart attack” at a live event after being confronted by JBL. Fuck off. Who is booking this shit? SmackDown was a pile of shit at this point and I'm glad I'm only watching this PPV and not sitting through what looks like a terrible time to be a fan of the blue brand.

JBL proceeded to cut a promo about Mexico being a shithole and wanting to put Eddie Guerrero on a raft back home (despite Guerrero being from El Paso, Texas), whilst also offering Guerrero's mother a job as his maid. Eugh. This doesn't make me hate the character or want to see him get his comeuppance, it just makes me cringe and want to watch anything else. 

Singles Match for WWE Championship – John “Bradshaw” Layfield vs. Eddie Guerrero © 

Okay, so this match is remembered for one thing and one thing only. Which is, of course, JBL nailing one of the dirtiest chair shots in WWE history and Eddie Guerrero slicing his head to fuck in a horrendous bladejob. More on that in a moment, lets skim over the rest of the bout first, even if it is pretty inconsequential stuff. There was some firey brawling early on and a botched spot in the mid-way point that leads to some awkwardness as the two, quite surprisingly, struggle to improvise their way back to where they need to be. That botch adds a lot of time that the match really doesn't need, as I feel a quicker match that escalated quickly to the chair shot would have been more fitting to the rivalry that had been built around JBL hating Mexico and almost killing Eddie's Mom, rather than JBL whacking on about six chinlocks. I guess the reason this had to go so long is that neither of the other featured matches went much over ten minutes and the pair were forced to kill time.

Let's talk about that blood baybeeeeeee. Because it is fucking horrific and super uncomfortable to watch at various times, meaning that this match is not one for anyone a little squeamish. That's without mentioning some of the nastiest chairshots that the WWE has ever seen being thrown by both men. The blood however does create some wonderful visuals, improve the strength of any near fall that JBL has on Latino Heat and make Guerrero's comeback an absolute experience to witness. Seriously though, Guerrero hulking up after kicking out of a Clothesline from Hell and a JBL bomb, whilst covered in, and dripping, blood is a moment that is so ridiculous that somehow it works. The crowd goes absolutely nuts for their hero as he refuses to lie down for a men who has criticised his heritage and people. Therefore, it's difficult not to say that the finish of the bout itself comes across as more than a little lame, as after multiple ref bumps, Guerrero nails JBL in the goolies and then clobbers him with the WWE title belt for a DQ finish. It makes logical sense that Guerrero couldn't see another way out, but couldn't bare to lose to JBL, but the fact that Eddie would never manage a victory over the man that basically caused his Mom a heart attack really doesn't sit right. 

The post-match attack makes up for the crappy finish somewhat as Guerrero went mad on JBL, with a pair of brutal unprotected chair shots and a Frog Splash, before the two are eventually separated by a number of WWE officials, including Fit Finlay, Arn Anderson, Dean Malenko and Steve Keirn.

Next PPV – Layfield would get a second chance at the WWE Championship as he got a rematch with Guerrero at the Great American Bash, this time in a Texas Bullrope match. 

This is not a good PPV, not a good PPV in the slightest. The only match I'd recommend going and checking out is the main event, because I think there's more merit to that bout than simply seeing the chair shot and brutal bladejob in a YouTube clip. There's moments in both the opening tag and the Tag title bout, but outside of that there's nothing on this show, as two of the top three matches fall flat, especially The Undertaker vs. Booker T clash. However, match quality isn't my biggest problem with this show. My biggest problem is that beyond the opening match, every single match on the card has an element of sexism, racism, homophobia or xenophobia, that (according to the crowd reactions from LA in 2004) has not aged very well at all. It feels like the only way the creative team knew how to get heat was to alienate elements of their own fanbase and the only way they knew how to get a reaction was to use lazy poorly conceived stereotypes. There's stuff on this show made me cringe and will I'm sure make others feel even more uncomfortable. Don't waste your time with Judgment Day 2004, lads. 

For an alternative look at this event, check out our good pal Marc Pearson's review from his 10 Years Ago series. 

Next time - WCW Slamboree 1993 

The Non-Fan Review // Alberto Del Rio runs over Santa Claus (RAW 1022)

Two blokes who've had little time for professional wrestling...watch professional wrestling...then write about professional wrestling. That's pretty much the premise that we're building this series around. Our two non-fans will be given iconic moments from the history of wrestling and this month they'll be looking at that time Alberto Del Rio ran over Santa Claus on a Christmas Eve edition of Monday Night RAW in 2012, as well as ADR's subsequent Miracle on 34th Street Fight with John Cena. IT'S FREAKING CHRISTMAS! What will our intrepid graps newbies make of this one? 

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Nick is a 5'11" homo sapiens who never watched wrestling before in his life before embarking on the project.

Born at an early age, he is currently finishing off a PhD in linguistics and has never referred to himself in the third person. He doesn't intend to start now.


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Who doesn't love a good Christmas special?

They can absolutely make or break your Christmas experience for a whole year - whether it's chortling along with Del Boy or watching the Queen's Speech or trying to work out when Doctor Who started being so difficult to watch, there's nothing that brings us all together like yuletide-flavoured telly!

They understand this as well as we do in the faraway land of WWE, but surely nobody could have seen this coming: the 2012 WWE Christmas special begins with a Jingle Bells parody being "sung" (using the term as loosely as I possibly can) in an impossibly wholesome living room by scores of what I presume are WWE all-stars. Personally, I find that this item brings enormous joy to my heart.

It proves there are people with less musical talent than I have.

But that was just the starter in our holiday feast, the Brussell sprouts if you will - the show begins in proper as we cut to the wrestling arena. The commentator announces the "special guest referee" - it's only Father bloody Christmas!! (Or as Americans insist on calling him, the far less endearing Santa Claus. Sigh.) Why the man has yellow ribbons up the middle of his outfit and around his waist is unclear, maybe he's disguised as a birthday present. But he can't be more confused than the commentator, who can't remember his lyrics: "you better not shout, you better not... shout?" Maybe being utterly hopeless at anything to do with singing is a prerequisite for this company. As our favourite red-clad housebreaker hands out hats and dolls -- ahem, sorry, ACTION FIGURES -- to the children in the audience, the music suddenly goes weird and then a man in a tux appears smugly. Hmm.

But then it happens. The toy-distributing chap falls over an enormous white BWM that was right behind him, after which a Christmas tree immediately falls onto his face! Although why the man is holding the tree so close to his face is beyond me. Whatever the case, the man behind the wheel of the car exits the vehicle - he is wearing only a white scarf, golden boots (just like Batgirl) and a nappy, so clearly being caught injuring someone with his car is the SECOND most embarrassing thing to happen to him today. With that said, he looks understandably rattled. As the audience boos, smug tux man comes over and bursts into tears, before starting to play with the driver's scarf. He's a bit of an odd duck.

As the audience stars chanting "YOU KILLED SANTA", we get a replay to show what happened - a loudly honking BMW VERY SLOWLY entered the arena, although somehow the Lapland resident didn't realise it was there.. and stagily fell over it. Huh. So is the driver really completely at fault in this case? If anyone at InjuryLawyers4U can shed some light on this, I'd appreciate it immensely.

The beardy-weirdy is taken away by medics on a stretcher, giving us a thumbs-up so we know it's all fine. I admire such determination in a man who breaks into my house once a year to eat my mince pies and leave Nintendo 3DS games in my stocking.

After what is presumably an advert break, we learn from the commentary that the driver of the vehicle is one Alberto Del Rio, who drove in honking like a madman because he "entered the arena as he usually does". This raises a lot more questions than it answers. The tux man who is traumatised by the whole affair is called Ricardo Rodriguez; he's clearly mid-panic attack. To be honest, at this stage I can happily believe that this was all just one big accident with nobody to blame.

Cut to outside the "Trainer's Room"; if only this meant the room where they keep all the Pokémon. A man with glasses steps outside the room to address the scores of people waiting outside. He says - with a COMPLETELY STRAIGHT FACE - “Guys, I’m not going to sugarcoat this: Santa’s down”.

Enter Alberto, whom everyone hates, especially an overacting man in a hat who marches over and starts mugging to the camera: "MESSAGE FROM THE NORTH POLE, WHADDYA DOING MAAAN? TODAY’S CHRISTMAS EVE AND YOU RAN OVER SANTA!” Alberto's excuse that everyone knows where he drives his car so technically it's not his fault goes down less well than he expects: the throng yells their disapproval, culminating in overacting hat man shouting "ST NICHOLAS IS A SAINT!" No flies on this chap, clearly.

Mr Glasses lets us know the last thing Father Christmas said before losing consciousness: “Alberto Del Rio is going to be in a fight tonight, a Miracle of 34th Streetl Fight vs. John Cena". A man with his priorities in order, clearly. From context, I gather that overacting hat man IS John Cena. What is John's reaction to this request? "FOR SANTAAAAAAAAA!" It's on, bitches.

* * *

One hour and 45 minutes later - I counted - and they've put police tape around the BMW and the old chap's ECG monitor is playing Jingle Bells. The crowd reacts as if this is good news rather than a horrifying case of arrhythmia, so I'll follow suit and join the melee as it unfolds: 

From West Newbury, Massachusetts and weighing 251 pounds, John Cena bursts into the arena and looks thoroughly confused about it; he sprints to the ring starts pointing at random people. As one does.

One ad break later he has lost his t-shirt, now wearing only three-quarter shorts and fetching blue trainers. He mentions that he is running out of material to someone offscreen - maybe that's why his shirt had to go? In the meantime, Ricardo is still sobbing (seriously, THAT man needs medical attention more than anyone by this point, he's dehydrating at a rate of knots) and out slinks a very guilty-looking Alberto, still in the nappy and Flash Gordon boots. Alberto skulks to the ring, clearly knowing he's in the bad books.

DING-DING-DING! I'm impressed that they don't immediately start hitting each other and begin by trying to explain their points sensibly. Eighteen whole seconds without any physical contact go by until Alberto needlessly pushes John: "It was just an accident!" Well, that's opened the floodgates: Mr Cena shoves Mr del Rio into a corner, stands on his thighs and starts hitting his head. He then throws Alberto out of the ring, the commentator claiming that John is "fighting for Santa Claus and for Christmas". Well, that escalated quickly.

John follows his opponent out of the ring, only to be thrown into the metal stairs and receive a couple of kicks while he's down. As they roll back in, Alberto hugs John's leg - ONE, TWO... Nope, not out yet. Weirdly, Alberto asks for and gets a microphone from Ricardo - this the kind of thing I wish we'd see more often, running commentary from participants!

"It was just an accident!" pleads Alberto, before hitting a supine John.

"I was not trying to hurt Santa, okay!" he adds, then hits John with the mike as he tries to get up.

“A mí me gusta la navidad, John Cena," Alberto explains bizarrely as he attempts another whack with the mike... But John dramatically pulls it down, yells "SANTAAAAAAA" into it and then kicks the loquacious dangerous driver away. This could be a great PIF for safe driving with very little editing.

One of life's showmen, John allows the fans to pick whichever present he should open of the half dozen scattered around the ring. Opening the white paper around the box, he finds a black folding chair! Leaping back into the ring, he sets about his opponent with it, then grabs his leg: one, two... HANG ON! Ricardo just pulled the ref away before he could count to three! WHY would he even do that, I thought he liked Father Christmas?? John chases Ricardo around like Benny Hill, only for the latter to give him the slip and for Alberto to knock him down. Now it's time for Alberto to open a present - Ricardo (who, I'm increasingly realising, is just Alberto's bitch) brings a small red present containing... A custard pie. One comedy routine later, John ducks so Alberto gets Ricardo in the face with it. Well, now we know what a wrestling match choreographed by Sooty and Sweep looks like.

A few more blows exchanged and John drags Alberto up the aisle to the giant Christmas tree; unwrapping a green box, John discovers a mini-TV monitor with infectious childlike glee. Seriously, he's stroking it like a baby Triceratops. Straight into Alberto's mush it goes, the cad being on the verge of losing consciousness, then... Another advert break?

We come back and WHAT THE MERRY HECK HAS HAPPENED WHILE WE WERE AWAY? Now it's John rolling around on the floor in agony, while Ricardo offers his dungeon-master-- sorry, I mean his FRIEND Alberto a giant, white present. After a quick replay to show what we missed (not a lot to be honest), Alberto opens the present and looks up to heaven as if to say "WHAT IN THE NAME OF CAROLE ANN DUFFY IS THIS???"

Ricardo desperately tries to guess what it is there: "It's a bazooka! It's a tank! It's a bazooka, I swear!" Alberto reaches in and pulls out a teddy bear.

The crowd and commentators wet themselves laughing while John looks even more baffled than earlier. Alberto roars mightily and throws the toy into John, who simple says "Is this seriously happening?" He might well ask.

Alberto grabs Ricardo by the collar - he's clearly the sadist in their relationship - only for John to pull him off (AHEM!) and slam him into the nearby screen. Putting Ricardo out of the way by putting a wreath around him and a present on his head, John knocks Alberto to the ground, then nips back to looks at more presents. "USE THE TREE! USE THE TREE!" chant the fans; John obliges and whacks his foe with the metal-painted-green decorative arboreal, only to nip back and find a bowling ball! After a moment's calculation, he rolls the orange sphere into Alberto's orange spheres, causing him to double over in AGONY.

John's in a playful mood, he goes back to the other side of the ring and unwraps a fire extinguisher, to the delight of the commentators. As the two brawlers reenter the ring, John covers Alberto with carbon dioxide, which the commentator say is like snow. How they reached this conclusion is beyond me, but it seems to be doing the trick.

But zounds! Ricardo has leapt onto John's back like a koala in what the commentary calls a "sleeper hold"; the magnificent ham is starting to sink groggily...

But no. Jingle Bells plays. He's back.

Ricardo's face suggests he's on the verge of orgasm, he's so happy to see him - he lets go of John and dashes towards Father Christmas, arms outstretched for a hug... Only to be knocked unconscious from one swing of his big, red sack. (AHEM!!)

But he doesn't stop there, St Nicholas. No sir, he puts a stocking on his hand and does what the commentators call a "Santa Socko", which is a lot less rude than it sounds. This creates the opening for John to flip his foe, grab his leg, one two three - AND THAT'S IT!

So, there we have it - a TV special wherein the personification of Christmas was run over by a nearly naked beefcake, teddies were used as weapons and it all worked because it was played so straight.

Once a year is too infrequent for this level of madness.

FINAL SCORE: 8.5/10

Father Christmas, do not touch me...

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Andrew suspects he may be an alien from another planet, frequently finding human rituals baffling. Wrestling is one of the many things that continues to baffle him, but no doubt his findings will be subjected to rigorous study back on his home planet (wherever that is).


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It's Christmas at WWE, and we start with a singalong. Well, I call it that. Suffice to say that most wrestlers should stick to what they're good at. And then... Santa! He strolls in and throws random gifts to the crowd, while an instrumental "Jingle Bells" plays. There are a surprising number of children in the audience for this very occasion.

Then OH NO! A car drives in and v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y runs Santa down! It even takes out the tree! Who is this careless hit and run hooligan, and why is he only in a scarf and his underwear? The crowd boos: "You killed Santa!" The driver's tuxedo-wearing companion (what the hell was going on in that car?) dry heaves into a handkerchief a few times.

I think Santa will pull through. The paramedics have got him, and he's still moving, though I see a neck brace. There's not even any blood. And yes - there's a thumbs up from Santa, and a strained and muffled "ho ho ho".

Oh lord. Now it's a crime scene. They've got police tape and everything.

The wrestlers gather backstage. There's a pep talk and a lot of bad acting. In essence, they decide that the show must go on. The driver - I gather this is Alberto Del Rio - states that this was just an accident, but the others aren't happy. "Saint Nicholas is a saint!" says John Cena. Thanks for that.

We then hear that Santa's last words before he lost consciousness was that there should be a street fight. This seems unlikely, but none of this has been at all likely so far, so what the hell. And it's going to be with Cena. He doesn't look keen at first, but he'll "do it for Santa!"

--

We start with a Santa Claus Update. Apparently, he's taken a turn for the worse. But things can't be that bad - his heart monitor has started beeping "Jingle Bells".

Meanwhile, John Cena runs into the ring while Del Rio's friend (chauffer? I have no idea who this guy is) sobs on the sidelines. Del Rio himself seems fairly settled - he hasn't even changed, but then, he seems to wear trunks and kneepads as his usual wardrobe. The only addition in deference to the cold weather is that scarf.

The two men face off in the ring. Del Rio seems reluctant to fight, while Cena apparently blames him for ruining Christmas. Del Rio slaps back, and Cena goes nuts - pummelling the other guy into the ropes. He pins him into the corner, climbs the ropes and punches him repeatedly on the top of his head. The referee - no-one special today - breaks them up. One rule I've seen universally enforced in WWE seems to be "variety". You can't have two wrestlers get stuck doing the same thing for too long. I think this is a rule against boredom rather than anything fighting-related.

Cena slings Del Rio out of the ring. He follows after, ready to sling him about a bit more, but the second attempt backfires and Del Rio sends Cena flying into those metal steps. You'd think, after the number of times this has happened, they'd replace them with something softer.

Del Rio kicks Cena in the head a couple of times, then helps him back into the ring. An attempt to pin him down fails. A yell and a flying kick onto Cena's head seems more effective. "It was just an accident!" Del Rio yells into the microphone. Then he plants another kick on Cena, which rather undermines his innocence.

Now this is the scene of the "alleged crime", according to the commentators. Hmm. Perhaps justice in WWE is based on who wins their fights more than evidence. Del Rio is angry now. Cena is fighting back, apparently wrestling for... the microphone? Is this a battle of words? But Cena has just one word - "SANTAAA!" - before he kicks Del Rio in the tummy and sends him crashing down. The microphone is tossed aside.

John Cena steps out of the ring. He seems more interested in opening a present under one of the trees (one at each corner of the ring - how festive). A bit early, but it's not like Santa can complain. The size and shape of this box make me wonder - could it be...?

IT IS! IT'S A METAL FOLDING CHAIR!

Cena quickly puts it to use, jabbing Del Rio in the stomach and then whacking him on the back with it. He puts it to one side as he goes for a pin, but Del Rio isn't ready to quit just yet. Del Rio's tuxedoed weird friend argues with the referee - I'm not sure whether this is about using a chair or opening his presents early, but either way, Cena gets mad and comes charging out of the ring.

Weird Tuxedo Dude (WTD) runs for his life. He takes a shortcut through the ring itself, and as Cena follows he is intercepted by WTD's mate. Del Rio is not happy. Cena receives a hell of a kicking.

WTD returns with a present of his own, for Del Rio. It's... a pie? I'd prefer the chair myself. Cena avoids a face full of food, however, by ducking at the last moment. WTD gets a pie in the face instead. Well, that was pointless.

Battle rejoins, with Del Rio thrown face first into a post and then out of the ring. Cena decides to entertain the audience by taking Del Rio out for a walk and bashing his head on random things. Like his fist. He pauses to open another present. This one has a portable TV monitor in it with a convenient carry handle (ahh, 2012 technology). It clobbers Del Rio back into a pile of display boxes.

We pause for a commercial break. In this brief period, WTD returns to distract John Cena while Del Rio regains his wits. The latter sneaks up behind Cena and whacks him on the back of the head with something. We return in time for WTD to give Del Rio another present. The last one was a pie - despite his promises of a tank or a bazooka (I suspect even WWE would balk at using these in a match) Del Rio finds...

...a teddy bear?

Cena just stands there and watches. He doesn't react even when said teddy bear is hurled at his chest. With battle rejoined, Cena charges in with a punch and then hurls Del Rio into the display boxes again - via the wall. He then ensures WTD can't cause any more mischief with the restraining powers of a holly wreath around the chest and a large box on his head.

Back to Del Rio, who likes to kick. This time a low kick to the shin/calf area distracts Cena long enough for a punch to the head and another large box to follow. The punch to the groin was a low blow in every sense, however. The two men drag, punch and headbutt each other back to the ring, Cena gaining the upper hand and slamming Del Rio into the commentary desk.

Cena goes hunting for more presents, finding nothing of interest. The crowd offer their own suggestion - "USE THE TREE! USE THE TREE!" And that's just what he does - charging down Del Rio as he struggles to his feet with a fully decorated Christmas tree. Careful, Cena - you might get Tinsellitis.

Cena goes back for another present, this time finding a box he likes. Inside is... a bowling ball?? He lines up for a strike... right into Del Rio's, um, pin. The look of horror on Del Rio's face is matched by every adult male in the audience.

Cena's not done. There's a present left by the tree near the ring, and this one has what must be the final straw - a fire extinguisher. Del Rio struggles upright, crawling back into the ring. Cena follows. Del Rio begs for mercy - "it's Christmas! It's Christmas!" - but Cena is unmoved. He fires a continuous blast over his opponent. Del Rio bounces helplessly from floor to ropes, unable to see or do anything in the spray.

Then a small blur leaps in from nowhere - it's WTD! He leaps onto Cena's back, trying to grab him in some sort of headlock. Cena somehow falls to the ground under this unlikely attack.

And then we hear Jingle Bells. Suddenly, Santa is back! Perhaps we'll get some sanity restored to the proceedings... wait, what am I saying??

Cena and Del Rio are both prostrate, but WTD is thrilled at this turn of events. He runs out to greet the jolly old red suited weirdo - who clobbers him with his sack.

Santa then puts on a red glove, and shoves it into Del Rio's mouth. I have no idea what's going on any more, but Del Rio is roused in a hurry. Cena is up again behind him, grabs him, flips him over his head and slams him into the mat. Pinned, Del Rio is counted out very swiftly and the match is over.

Santa seems mystified by his own red glove. Cena seems happy, however, basking in the cheers of the crowd, then sharing a hug with Santa.


Verdict: Very, very silly. And Santa is surprisingly bloodthirsty.

---

Next time // We mix up the format as Andrew watches Sasha Banks vs. Bayley from NXT Takeover: Brooklyn...

 whilst Nicholas views Trish Stratus & Lita vs. Stacy Kiebler & Torrie Wilson in a Bra and Panties Match from WWF Invasion! 

Article by Nicholas Peat and Andrew Williams

The Best of Times, The Worst of Times // Triple H

WWE likes to use the term polarising as a positive. For years, the announce team have used this term to describe John Cena’s mixed reactions as something to be celebrated; the same approach has since been adopted for Roman Reigns. But while both Cena and Reigns certainly draw juxtaposing responses from the live crowd, when it comes to truly polarising the fan base, Triple H really is the king of kings.

To some fans, Hunter is a legendary performer and the rightful heir apparent to the WWE. For the hardcore fans, NXT, his baby, is arguably the second most beloved brand in wrestling, lagging behind only NJPW, and his recent masterstroke, reviving the War Games and filling it with ROH alumni, is testament to his ability to marry wrestling traditions with modern independent stylings. However, to others, NXT’s success glosses over his reoccurring character flaws. To some, he will always be the ultimate politician, a performer who never really matched up to the true greats and an opportunist who married the boss’ daughter, in the process forcing his way into writing meetings so that he could bury his potential opponents (his recent defeat of Jinder Mahal in India raised more eyebrows than his post-match dancing). Whichever side of the fence you fall on, one thing is for sure: when the history books are written for the WWE, Triple H will justify more than a few chapters…

Best Match: vs Chris Jericho (Raw, 17^th April 2000)

This remains one of the best matches in the (near) 25 year history of Monday Night Raw and may be the most fun match of both men’s WWE runs. Triple H has had fiercer brawls and more epic struggles of endurance but this contest was an example of what an on-point WWF/E do better than anyone else: build in a supporting cast of characters (here it was Shane and Stephanie McMahon, the APA and Earl Hebner) to present a logical yet unpredictable story. As the action intensified and the red hot State College crowd began to believe in Y2J, a ref bump triggered scenes of madness: a false finish was followed up by Triple H and Hebner physically getting into it, the distraction allowing Jericho to score the pin. The count seemed a little fast but it had reason to be: an enraged Hebner had just cause to screw Hunter. When the McMahon-Helmsley regime reviewed the footage, they immediately demanded the result be overturned which led to another entertaining segment between Hunter and Hebner. This finish might have seemed a cop-out in different circumstances but here, it played into the story perfectly and set the wheels in motion for a summer long feud.

Honourable mentions: vs Cactus Jack (Royal Rumble, 2000); vs Chris Jericho (Fully Loaded 2000); vs Shawn Micheals (Summerslam 2002); vs The Undertaker (Wrestlemania 28)

Worst Match: vs Scott Steiner (Royal Rumble 2003)

Nearly fifteen years later, this remains a huge disappointment and it was the lowest ebb in what was, arguably, Hunter’s most dissatisfying year in the business. Having been one of the most believable and engaging acts in the dying days of WCW, the signing of Scott Steiner seemed like a real coup for the WWE.  Big Poppa Pump was over like Rover, still looked like a million bucks and seemed tailor made to tangle with Triple H: his reputation would surely guarantee hard-hitting, competitive matches, right? Nope: these two didn’t click on any level. Steiner blew up early and while Triple H fared better with regard to stamina, he still wasn’t able to mask his opponent’s shortcomings. Their exchanges were ugly, the match was sloppy and the non-finish was insulting. The rematch a month later was another pointless exercise; this time, Hunter derailed the Big Booty Daddy’s hype train by pinning him in the middle of the ring. Three months after rocking Madison Square Garden on his debut, Steiner was finished while Triple H’s reputation for burials gathered pace.

Honourable mentions: vs  Henry Godwin (In Your House 5); vs Randy Orton (WrestleMania 25)

Best Feud: vs Mick Foley (1997/ 2000)

Not once, but twice, did Mick Foley play a significant role in giving Hunter a leg up the card. Back in 1997, Mankind’s star was rising while Hunter Hearst Helmsley was firmly entrenched in the mid-card.  Indeed, when Hunter won the King of the Ring it was somewhat of an upset: true, he had been earmarked for the crown a year earlier but the build to this event had been all about Foley. However, the hard-hitting nature of this match meant that both men got over and subsequent brawls at Canadian Stampede, Summerslam and on Monday Night Raw saw Triple H face off against Mankind, Dude Love and Cactus Jack in consistently excellent outings. His reputation enhanced by the Foley programme, by the year’s end Hunter was ready to be elevated and paired with Shawn Michaels: D-X was born.

A few years later, Hunter was close to the Promised Land: having risen up the mid-card and having captured the WWF title (from, you guessed it, Mick Foley), he was so close to being the man. However, he needed a statement victory to obtain that alpha male status: at this point, his wins had been tainted; he needed to pin a star cleanly and convincingly. That star was Cactus Jack: first at the Royal Rumble and then inside Hell in a Cell, Foley bumped and bled for the cause, doing clean jobs that transformed Hunter from competent heel to bad ass main eventer. Triple H was a made-man and it was Foley, more than any other, who made him.

A footnote here: there are rumours that Hunter was always quick to badmouth Foley backstage, undermining his contributions to the industry. I was lucky enough to attend the Hall of Fame in MSG in 2013: the night when Foley was inducted. As the show came to an end and the cameras stopped rolling, I noticed Hunter make a point of reaching over to Foley to shake his hand. In the same building in which Cactus Jack and Triple H had waged war their mutual respect seemed genuine.

Honourable mentions: vs Kurt Angle (2000); vs Batista (2005); vs The Undertaker (2011-12)

Worst Feud: vs Booker T (2003/ 2007)

The programme with Booker epitomised the very worst of Hunter’s career: the predominance of bad taste segments (the racial overtones of "Somebody like you…doesn't get to be a world champion" went beyond wrestling heat); the insistence in proving WWE superiority over WCW (watch Triple H’s slow motion cover following his one pedigree: seemingly there was no directive for Booker to look strong here) and the lack of clear resolution (this was their only title match: the vanquished challenger never got his redemption). Their brief feud in 2007 wasn’t as offensive but was as damaging: after successfully portraying a King for a year, Booker T had secured a main event spot. But when the King of Kings returned at Summerslam, it was clear who the true King was. Again, a lack of competitiveness in the bout spoke volumes about. Booker didn’t hang around for the trilogy; he soon left for TNA.

Honourable mentions: vs Scott Steiner (2003);

Best Title Run: WWE Champion (January 2000- April 2000)

After defeating The Big Show on an episode of Monday Night Raw, Triple H kicked off a title run that saw him truly cement himself as the best wrestler in North America at the time. His aforementioned feud with Mick Foley was the pinnacle of his reign but he had many more great bouts: a generous performance in a Smackdown battle with Rikishi was a real coming out party for the former Fatu; a Raw title match with The Rock and The Big Show was electric; and while the main event of Wrestlemania 16 was a tad disappointing, his Backlash encounter with The Great One was superb. For four months, this game really was all about Triple H.

Honourable mentions: World Champion (September 2004- April 2005); WWE Champion (April- November 2008)

Worst Title Run: World Heavyweight Champion (December 2002-September 2003)

In these ten months, Triple H didn’t achieve half of what he had managed in four back in 2000. The reign started with an underwhelming win over Shawn Michaels at Armageddon: for a match with ladders and flaming barbed wire bats, it was rather average. His series’ with Steiner and Booker have been documented while a feud with Kevin Nash was ordinary. The Goldberg programme had promise but again never really sparked to life: at Summerslam, big Bill’s coronation was senselessly delayed until the next PPV, with a potentially memorable moment stolen from the masses. The subsequent match at Unforgiven was saddled with a stipulation that telegraphed the finish: should Goldberg lose, he would have to retire. At one point, Hunter even put a cash bounty on Goldberg’s head! Unquestionably, in booking and execution, this whole contest was very 1970s. Indeed, that was the crux of the problem for Hunter here: he had stopped being himself and had instead morphed into a Ric Flair/ Harley Race tribute act. Triple H rose to prominence in the Attitude era; lazily reviving NWA tropes in the noughties wasn’t going to cut it.

Honourable mention: WWE Champion (February- April 2009)

Best Angle: The Return at MSG (7^th January 2002: Monday Night Raw)

I was at university in January, 2002 and I remember this night vividly. Our regular Friday night routine was to hit the student union, represent on the dance floor until 2am and then head home, kebab in hand, for the late night/early morning repeat of Raw on Sky Sports. This night, we literally ran home, kebab still in hand, shouting excitedly at passers-by that tonight was the night Triple H was returning! Some people even returned our drunken proclamations with high fives: that’s how over Trips was then!

His return, after 7 months out nursing his blown quad, was truly a momentous moment. His pop, described by some as the loudest sustained cheer in MSG history, served as a reminder of how good he had been in the 18 months prior to his injury. This was Triple H at the height of his powers. And his cut-off denim jacket was as cool as shit.

Honourable mention: Batista turns on Triple H (Monday Night Raw: February 21^st 2005)

Worst Angle: The Katie Vick debacle (October 21st 2002: Monday Night Raw)

There have been enough words written over this angle to last a lifetime: a recent Something to Wrestle Podcast addressed this detestable train wreck and it was revealed, to Hunter’s credit, that he at least tried to convince Vince that this was a very bad idea. Of course, his words fell on deaf ears and an attempt to court controversy amongst the mainstream merely bemused his loyal audience. Its best summed up by an exchange that occurred on air between GM Eric Bischoff and Shawn Michaels in December of that year: when Michaels referenced Vick with disdain, Bischoff asked “Does that offend you as a Christian, Shawn?”

Michaels replied: “No Eric. It offends me as a wrestling fan”.

Honourable mention: Triple H breaks JR’s arm (Monday Night Raw:  4^th October 1999)

Article by Sean Taylor-Richardson (@GrownManCenaFan)