Our Favourite RAW Moments

What's this? A shameless cash-in article because it's RAW 25 tonight? Absolutely not. Shut up. Don't go away though, read these views. 

I thought I'd ask our writers and a few friends what they've enjoyed the most over the last twenty five years and this is the collection of those views. What a treat for you the reader. We've got a cavalcade of the great and the good when it comes to ATPW involved Craig Hermit, 

CRAIG HERMIT 

Twenty Five years people, that's a quarter of a century. That's how long RAW has been on that long?! So what is my favourite moment? I genuinely can't give you one because think about it. You as an individual has changed throughout that time.

Case in point, I remember being a child cheering watching the RAW episode when Mr Perfect sent Ric Flair away to WCW after a career ending match. I wouldn't be having the same reaction now. I remember watching the Stone Cold vs Mr McMahon feud every week with something else added on, now I'd be saying this is just drawn out. 

Kurt Angle feuding with Stone Cold was my highlight of the Invasion, "Milkomania!"

Then when the Trish Stratus feud with Lita reached new levels, they main evented the show. WWE had consistently fed fans that Women in the division were eye candy, but damnit that match, both women displayed exactly why they were role models to women that this was just the beginning and it's to WWE's discredit that fans never saw more of this and more development from their wrestlers until recently.

And Daniel Bryan, or should I say the Daniel Bryan movement, wow, think about it, highjacking The Authority's Championship speech and then in the run to Wrestlemania highjacking the show.

Closing with Paige, remembering her first Divas Title victory. It was incredible, not the match but the moment. Fans who'd seen her in NXT, Shimmer and UK knew how awesome she is and this moment seeing her seize the Title. Damn incredible.

So those are some of the moments I remember, oh The Shield breaking up too, there we go!


Think about your 25 years, can you sum it up in one moment? Much like RAW, you can't.

JOZEF RACZKA

Not everything great in WWE happened in the Attitude Era. I'm sure a lot of them did but as someone whose first Wrestlemania was Thirty, it would be disingenuous to write about something that really had no meaning to me. The first full episode of RAW I watched was June 2nd 2014, does that mean anything to you? It should, it's when Seth Rollins, the Architect of The Shield brought it all crashing down around him when he beat Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose with a chair. It was the beginning of my understanding of why you dumb nerds watch this shit and also of me becoming one of you.

But here's the thing, that's not even the death of friendship, I wanted to talk about today. Sure, we've had the end of The Shield, we've had The Miz & Damien Mizdow but in recent years, there's no contender for one moment that we're going to all look back on , maybe even 25 years from now and think 'well that was basically perfect'. I talk to you, of course, about Chris Jericho & Kevin Owens' Festival of Friendship. The Festival is a tribute to the rock-solid nature of Owens and Jericho when it comes to character relations, you see, anyone who's been watching the programming could have worked out that Owens was going to turn on Jericho but Jericho being so blinded to how one-sided the friendship is at that point makes it all the more heartbreaking. Yet it doesn't forget in making Jericho the hero of the story, that he's also a grand-stage narcissist who talks of himself as a gift and makes his entrance with a chorus of showgirls, it's a celebration of friendship but very much, it's a Chris Jericho event, nothing of the flash or pomp suggests Kevin Owens. Wrestling is just a media through which the story is performed, stories of superheroes and supervillains can stand alongside more nuanced tales of broken people refusing to see that they can't make someone change.

That's what we got here and with all the Craigslist magicians, reinterpretations of The Creation of Adam and surprise Gillberg returns you could ask for. This segment was great, as good as the pipebomb, as good as The Rock: This Is Your Life. All this and we learnt one of the most important lessons that wrestling has taught us in years: "It's art! You don't need pants!"

SEAN TAYLOR-RICHARDSON

When Nitro commentator Tony Schiavone joked about Mick Foley’s title win putting butts on seats, he not only hammered a nail in the WCW coffin, he also pointed viewers in the direction of Raw’s greatest ever moment. In front of a wild crowd, Mankind and The Rock engaged in a fiery brawl, aided and abetted by a rich cast of supporting characters: from the McMahons to D-X, this who’s who of the Attitude Era was capped off by the arrival of the never-hotter Stone Cold Steve Austin. As the glass shattered, the fans came unglued; more than happy to see a major star, this pop was reminiscent of a home crowd witnessing a last minute winner over the local rivals Moments later and Mankind was champion: for all of Schiavone’s sarcasm, this represented one of the most genuine feel good moments in WWF/E history.

ANDY SCOTLAND 

I think for me personally, my favourite moment from Raw would be the segment between Mike Tyson and Steve Austin from January 19th, 1998. Steve Austin had just come off his Royal Rumble win and was as popular as anyone had ever been. Vince McMahon was a proud as could be about having “The Baddest Man On The Planet” Mike Tyson on Monday Night Raw and you just knew that Austin was coming to spoil the whole thing. I can still remember the whole segment almost from memory. I was glued to the TV watching it. You could have offered me anything in the world but as a 10 year old, nothing else existed for those minutes. It made regular news around the world. That brawl between the two was probably up there with the best brawl ever on TV, not just WWE. Over 20 years later, people still put it in the top moments in WWE history and I can completely agree.

JAMES MARSTON 

When I asked myself to write my favourite RAW moment, it seems like a lot of our writers I struggled to find my moment. Not because of a lack of choice, but because of the abundance of choice. As much as we, the fans, like to bemoan the WWE, there's no doubt that Vince McMahon and his pals know how to create moments that stick in your mind for years and years. Part of that is how often WWE likes to replay it's classic moments...how often have you seen D-Generation X invade on WCW get an outing on RAW? But another part is the power behind the moments themselves in the first place. Whilst storylines might not always hit home or end how we'd like to see them end, the moments along the way are what keeps us coming back. 

I was a young fan during the tail end of the Attitude Era, but didn't have Sky, so my main exposure to WWF was Sunday Night Heat on Channel 4 and the handful of PPVs they showed. Whilst I've obviously seen the majority of the iconic moments from this period, it would be wrong to choose something from here as it just didn't have the same impact on me watching them years after the fact and often knowing what was going to happen. I began finding WWE back again in 2007, before learning how to connect with RAW online a few years later. Therefore the moments I've been most effected by mostly come from after 2010. I remember being baffled by Donald Trump buying RAW, thrilled by the Nexus invasion angle and saddened by Edge's retirement...but the first time I remember coming away thinking "Holy shit, what has just happened?" was CM Punk's Pipebomb promo. 

Coming after a fairly forgettable Tables Match between R-Truth and John Cena, from the moment Punk sat cross-legged on ramp, clad in a "Stone Cold" Steve Austin t-shirt, his energy came straight through the screen and made me take notice of what was about to happen. Pre this moment, Punk's 2011 had been hit and miss, placed as the leader of the New Nexus, over as fuck and picking up victories over John Cena, Rey Mysterio and John Morrison, but also losing ever match in his series with Randy Orton, there was no particular indication of what was about to come. That's probably what made the subsequent promo so special. 

It might have launched a series of worked shoots that didn't always work, but in that moment as Punk began to rile off his issues with WWE, Vince McMahon, John Lauranitis and the fans, it felt like a real shift was occurring. Winks and nods to things outside the company, mentioning New Japan, Ring of Honor and even Colt Cabana, at a time when WWE was much more cut off from the rest of the wrestling world than it is today, felt like nothing else that had happened on that show, that month, year or beyond. Punk bought attitude, a real visceral energy as he spat his lines at the audience, the camera and mentioned the death of Vince McMahon. Pulling back the curtain and airing petty grievances, all whilst John Cena, the Micky Mouse to WWE's Disney, lay prone in the ring, selling a table bump for what felt like an age. It propelled storylines for months and months to come, resulting in a lengthy WWE title run for Punk, the return of Paul Heyman and gave WWE a genuine buzz. Even if WWE essentially dropped the ball after Money in the Bank, this promo also gave us one of the greatest WWE matches of all-time. 

(All this nice stuff and we're still blocked by CM Punk on Twitter!) 

--- 

Enjoy RAW 25 tonight folks, lets hope it brings us many more fantastic moments to talk about!

Article by Craig Hermit, Jozef Rackza (@NotJozefRaczka), Sean Taylor-Richardson (@GrownManCenaFan), Andy Scotland (@WrestleRopes) and James Marston (@IAmNotAlanDale) 

The Non-Fan Review // Women's Evolution

Two blokes who've had little time for professional wrestling...watch professional wrestling...then write about professional wrestling. That's pretty much the premise that we're building this series around. A slight change to format this month as our two non-fans watch two seperate matches along the same theme. This month it's women's wrestling under the spotlight as Nicholas Peat watched Lita & Trish Stratus tagging against Stacy Keibler & Torrie Wilson in a Bra and Panties match from WWF Invasion 22nd July 2001, before Andrew Williams checks in with Sasha Banks vs. Bayley over the NXT Women's Championship from WWE NXT Takeover: Brooklyn from 22nd August 2015. What will our intrepid graps newbies make of their respective matches and what will we learn about their opinions of Women in pro wrestling? Let's go.

Nicholas Peat on... Trish Stratus & Lita vs. Stacy Kiebler & Torrie Wilson from WWF Invasion

Do you know what the best thing is about James Marston, creator of Across The Pond Wrestling and all around top bloke?

It’s not his winning smile, impressive turn of phrase or how he promised to slip me a fiver if I began my review this way. (EDITOR’S NOTE: NO, I DIDN’T. HONEST.) It’s that after five sessions of having me, a red-blooded alpha male with a predisposition for womanly flesh, watch sweaty, muscular men run around and grapple, he’s kindly given me some female totty to watch. (On a side note, there was a girl with the surname Totty in my class in primary school. I think she lives in New Zealand now.)

Flashback to July 2001! The Nintendo GameCube was about to be released in most of the world, Ant & Dec hadn’t left SM:TV Live just yet and Wikipedia was just six months old.
But even more dramatic than all of these things was the first ever Bra & Panties Tag-Team Match Up™! So what does such a match entail, I hear you enquire? Well, it’s beautifully simple, the commentator informs us: strip you opponent down to her bra and knickers and you win.

Wrestling gets no better than this, surely?

It seems that this is a battle between two duos, each representing a different group: WWF (as it was called back that, before the panda-loving wildlife bagged the initials) and a group I don’t know called WCW.

In the traditional video introduction, we’re introduced to Stacy, an extremely lengthily legged blonde who likes posing in front of desk fans. She lets us know that “WCW women always come out on top.” She is my favourite, calling it now.

As if to draw contrast, we meet the WWF damsels: an extremely serious ginger bird called Lita (pronounced like “litre”) and a blonde wench who goes by Trish Stratus. We learn via flashback that Trish “planted a big old kiss on Lita’s boyfriend, Matt Hardy”. THE LITTLE TART! But that’s not all, Trish also kissed Matt’s brother, Jeff… which for some reason incenses Lita. Hmm.
Cut to two chaps, one who looks a lot like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo and the other with a bandana on his head like Axl Rose, who watch Trish and Lita cat fight on telly. At this point, in slink the WCW babes: Stacy and a similarly flaxon-haired chick, known as Torrie Wilson; the politely shake hands with the gentlemen. What a lovely first impression, these seem to be well brought up young ladies, I’d be thrilled to take them home to meet my mother… Actually, forget I said that, the doxies just smooched the boys and said “nice meeting ya!”

“What was that all about?” asks Shaggy, reasonably.
“I think those girls digs us,” opines Axl, bemusedly.
The WWF birds have been ruffled. It’s on now.

But hark, strange sounds in the air! “Hey, that’s Mick Foley’s music! What’s Mick Foley doing here?” demands the commentator. I’d be happier if someone explained who the her heck Mick Foley is. From context, he’s our special guest referee: a vision in tracksuit bottoms, a checked shirt over a Universal Studios t-shirt and Matthew Kelly beard.

Do they have to pass an entrance exam to be a referee?

Then the music softens, a WCW logo appears on the big screen and out skips Torrie Wilson in the girliest way imaginable; in her red “COWBOY” top, silver sci-fi trousers and white trainers, she plays with her hair and winks at audience members and I go slightly gooey inside.

Cut to Mick, who has the dirtiest smile I’ve ever seen on a man. Lucky sod. Torrie steps in (making sure to stick her arse out as much as possible), then starts chatting to Mick. We can’t tell what they’re saying but she just be good at telling jokes, from Mick’s chuckles.

Following with one hand on her hip (like she’s impersonating half a teapot) is Stacy Keibler, in a fetching red leather top/black trouser combo. No flirting or waving for this babe: she strides straight to the ring as fast as her maxi-legs will carry her, her arms swinging wildly as she does so, like she’s trying to keep balloons in the air. It’s at this point that the camera focuses upon a man holding a sign saying “WE WANT PANTIES”. I think he’s been directed to the wrong part of the shopping centre.

And now for out first WWF waif: out bounds Trish Stratus, short of fetlock but big on glittery blue leggings, with a black tank top to complete the image. Trish stops before going into the ring, leaving Stacy and Torrie to jump and dance in front of his eyeline so she can’t charm him. Cute.

(Here, the cameraman chooses another odd sign to show us. This one says “I WANT TO SEE PUPPIES”. I genuinely have no idea how anyone could mistake this wrestling arena for a pet shop.)

But when the camera comes away from the man searching for a doggy, Lita is already out and body-popping. Head-banging like a madwoman, she is wearing a white top and the most chav-tastic trousers I have ever seen; seriously, there’s a pocket on those blue leggings for every letter of the alphabet. Once she finally stops posing and joins Trish outside the ring, the WWF girls dive into the ring with perfect synchronicity… only for their WCW rivals to slap them away! This is fun.

DING DING DING! The WWF birds slam their foes down and start hitting them; while Torrie turns the tables and starts giving Trish a good whacking, Stacy rolls out of the ring. Mick tries to restrain Lita for some reason (I don’t think he needs much excuse) and Stacy runs off somewhere, maybe to ask George Clooney if she can borrow his Batman outfit; as the commentator mentions, “thongs are legal".

Wonderful cat-fighting ensues as Trish drags Torrie up by her hair, before Torrie breaks free by kicking Trish in the girl-goolies. A good exchange of slaps from them both, before they collide with each other, leaving Torrie the worse off. Poor lamb. Trish attempts to pull Torrie’s top off, but then Stacy appears from nowhere (just like Hong Kong Phooey) and drags Trish away from her comrade by her hair! It’s two against one now, with Lita just standing there and not helping; luckily, Trish is canny enough to knock both her assailants down single-handedly. I love a woman who takes initiative.

Trish tags Lita in (is that the system they’re using now?) and the WCW lasses just stand outside the ring, arguing the toss about who is going in. Lita has no time for such folly: she shoves Torrie off and drags Stacy in, tearing her top off to reveal a canary yellow bra. Yellow is nice.

Stacy, clutching at her breasts like she’s frightened they’re about to drop off, tries to do a runner! Managing to give Lita the slip, Stacy engages in what I call “Baywatch running” (i.e. running V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y, lest your bosoms pop out to say hello) with Lita in hot pursuit, only for the latter to end up trapped on the end of the ring like a beached porpoise. Seizing the moment, Torrie holds Lita’s legs down as Stacy tears off her top, revealing the titian-haired wench’s purple/green camouflage bra. Her knockers will certainly be well hidden when she goes hiding in the indigo forests of Swindon.

Lita, creatively, uses her own shirt as a garrotte to flip Stacy by her neck; fittingly, the cameraman chooses this moment to show us yet another sign held by a fan: “CAN I BUY YOU A FISH SANDWICH?” I’m beginning to think half the attendees are confused shoppers looking for the nearest Asda!

As the commentator explains: “Mick Foley is dong very little officiating in this match. I don’t blame him.” That makes two of us, son; Lita stands on a corner with the intention of punching on Stacy like a naughty little kitty - but the leggy blonde dodges, letting the WWF virago crash headfirst.

Stacy tags Torrie in as Lita tags in Trish; a few blows exchanged, then Torrie gets inventive: she stands on Trish’s hair and pulls the harridan up by her arms. HOW UTTERLY EVIL! Drunk off her clever idea, Torrie temporarily forgets how shirts work and tries to take Trish’s top off while still standing on her hair; this gives Trish to roly-poly out while successfully de-trousering her, revealing her tiny, white KNICKERS! Torrie is as SHOCKED as I am! But in the confusion, Trish’s shirt HAS ripped off, so each of the fighters has but one garment left.

In a moment of magical choreography, Trish drops down and acts as a stool so that Lita can jump into Torrie, giving the WWF birds a chance to tear her top off. Utterly astonished by the development, Torrie dashes off.

Where has Stacy been all this time? Well, she’s stopped clutching her norks as if they’re going to escape, so maybe she’s been having them screwed on tighter. Whatever the case, Trish drags the remaining WCW combatant into the ring, letting Lita backflip onto her. Realising their advantage, they both desperately tear the remaining clothing off of their foe; at this exact moment, the commentator decides to go through puberty: “I said it all along: you wanna be a winner, you take Stacy’s pants.”

…Indeed. So they tear them off (plus her trainers - though she’s still wearing her socks, so it’s not JUST her bra and panties…? Ah well, it seems to count) and Stacy seems utterly despondent about it. Poor love, I’d cheer you up, Stacy. I know lots of jokes too.

The victors walk off proudly leaving the referee to clean up. The commentator raises a valid point: “What is Mick Foley gonna do with the garments?”

…I have a couple of ideas but I daren’t say them on a family website.

FINAL SCORE: 10/10

I know what I want for my birthday now.

Andrew Williams on... Sasha Banks vs. Bayley from WWE NXT Takeover: Brooklyn

I wasn't sure what to expect with women's wrestling. Are they just as tough and melodramatic as the men? Bayley's entrance suggests otherwise - the screens flash "Bayley!" as she dances into the arena, decked out in ribbons of gold and white and black.

Then Sasha emerges, in a car, flanked by four ripped bodyguards in black. She's wearing Venetian blinds for sunglasses and struts on with every bit as much sass and stage presence as the queeniest of the male wrestlers. She even has her bodyguards lift her into the ring. Maybe this isn't going to be so different after all.

Sasha parades around the ring, cradling her championship belt. Bayley is not impressed by all this showing off. She's here to take it from her.

And they're off! The bell rings and the two ladies... don't do much. They're just standing there. Then they start chatting. I don't know what Sasha is saying but Bayley doesn't like it - suddenly Sasha is slapped down and the two girls are rolling about on the floor and slapping each other around the head.

The referee bravely intervenes to separate them. Bayley immediately leaps back against her opponent on the mat, then starts bouncing off the ropes for another charge. Wham! Smack! She tries to pin Sasha down but the match isn't going to be quite that fast. Sasha pulls away.

I can already see one huge difference between the men and the women here. Male wrestling is all about strength - huge guys with big, heavy blows. Female wrestling is more about speed - this match is by far the fastest paced I've seen.

Bayley helps Sasha up, and then throws her towards the ropes - but Sasha twists away and Bayley takes the brunt of it. As she staggers away, Sasha presses her advantage, smashing Bayley's face into the corner post several times. "NOOO!" yells Bayley, grabbing the other girl and doing the same to her.

Bayley then picks her up, spins her upside down and hangs her over the post by her feet. She gives herself a good run-up and then SLAM into Sasha's stomach. Sasha falls in a heap. Bayley drags her into the middle of the ring by one foot, tries another pin... but Sasha kicks out with both feet and the referee breaks the hold. Not yet, Bayley.

The two girls separate, and then charge at each other. Bayley aims high, but Sasha ducks low and grabs her around the stomach. Now it's Sasha going for a pin and Bayley kicking out, but as they get up Sasha aims a savage kick to the stomach. Bayley winces.

Smug, Sasha takes Bayley's hand and hurls her into the corner again. She charges in after, but Bayley turns her shoulder into the charge and Sasha reels back. Bayley climbs the ropes and leaps into her, the two girls spinning over each other. Sasha rolls out of the ring, Bayley standing ready for more.

The referee orders her back into the ring. Sasha argues back at him. Bayley takes the opportunity to charge after her, sliding across the mat and landing both feet in her face. I approve. It's very bad form to argue with the referee.

Bayley slips out, picks up her opponent and throws her back under the ropes. She's out to win, and she's not putting up with all this nonsense. But as she climbs back in, Sasha aims a knee at her midriff. Evil! She then threads Bayley through the ropes in the corner so she can attack that exposed belly. But as Sasha prepares to leap down upon Bayley and snap her like a twig, Bayley slips out of the way. Foiled!

But it isn't over for Bayley. Sasha is mad now, and she aims a few punches to the head before grabbing Bayley's neck in an armlock and preparing to flip her into the ring. Bayley resists with a flurry of blows to Sasha's back, which is enough to force her down again. Sasha kicks out again, and Bayley falls gracelessly out of the ring.

Sasha struts around, mocking her opponent. Bayley gets back in the ring, but since she's instantly grabbed, pummelled, dropped to the ground and sat on, one wonders why she bothered. Sasha resorts to hair pulling before the referee breaks them up. (Hair pulling is largely absent from male wresting, perhaps because most of the men have no hair to pull.)

Sasha pulls Bayley back up by her hair, and slaps her in the back a few times. Sasha bounces off the ropes and slams her back into Bayley's. This fight has switched completely - Bayley was taking the lead early on, but now all the fight has been knocked out of her and Sasha has turned mean. Her next move as Bayley groggily sits back up is to bounce off the ropes, spin on the spot with a "Wooo!" and then slap her in the face. I'm not sure how that one's supposed to work.

Sasha goes to pin the lacklustre Bayley. But the other girl hasn't given up yet. She kicks out, and the hold is broken. But has she got any fight left in her?

Maybe so. She slowly rises up and aims a swift double handed punch to Sasha's chest. This is not very effective. Sasha retaliates with a kick that sends Bayley flying. She strolls slowly over, grabs Bayley's head and tries to twist. For several agonising seconds, Bayley struggles to avoid her head being twisted off her neck. "Come on, Bayley!" she yells. "You're a loser!"

It's the referee that breaks them up, under that cardinal rule of wrestling that says you can't bore the audience with one hold for the entire match. Sasha decides to try strangling Bayley with one of her own arms instead, and finds using both Bayley's arms at once is even better. Several more seconds pass.

Surely there's no way to get out of this? But Bayley tries. She slowly climbs to her feet... and then Sasha simply lets go, shoving her into the corner post. Bayley drops. Sasha argues with the referee again, planting a savage kick into Bayley's prone body as she does.

I have decided that I don't like Sasha.

The evil one picks Bayley back up and shoves her into the post again. Bayley is barely conscious at the moment, but she deflects a punch and shoves her tormentor away. Sasha slaps back. Bayley fights back, but it's a feeble effort. Once again Sasha hooks her feet into the ropes and prepares to break her opponent in half.

As before, it doesn't work. Bayley slips under her, catches her in midair and... fails to deliver. Sasha wriggles free and Bayley drops to the mat. Sasha is mad again. She really wants to do her special move, so she hooks Bayley back up again and decides to soften her up with a frenzy of blows to the stomach.

The referee tells her to do something else, so she lines Bayley up against the post, picks up her legs and hooks her not into the middle ropes but the very top ones. The commentators groan. Sasha climbs outside the ropes, ascends the post and drops onto that exposed stomach with both knees. Bayley falls in a heap. Sasha lands on her colourful feet.

Now it must be over! Sasha pins her opponent. The referee counts... and Bayley breaks the hold again! It's not over! Sasha looks like she can't believe it either. Bayley crawls into the corner while Sasha trash talks. ("You think you're better than me?" In many ways, yes...)

Bayley instantly wins my respect by booting Sasha in the chest. It sends her flying but, better still, it stops her talking. Sasha charges back and Bayley grabs her and throws her into the post. As Sasha returns, Bayley trips her up, falls on top of her and punches her repeatedly in the head while yelling a lot. Not all those punches seem to connect, but the yelling is consistent.

Sasha pulls free. Bayley picks her up, hurling her into the ropes, but Sasha bounces back and aims a savage kick that Bayley dodges. Bayley charges in, but more hair pulling results and Bayley falls out of the ring - but not without slamming Sasha into the mat on the way down. This entire paragraph takes less than ten seconds.

Bayley sprawls. Landed badly, perhaps. Sasha climbs out of the ring to press her advantage, sitting on her rival and pulling her arm at a rather awkward angle. This arm has a wrist brace on it - perhaps from a previous injury - and Sasha decides to go one better by removing the brace. This is very unsporting, but apparently legal.

Bayley is hurled back into the ring, then hurled back out of it. She lands on that damaged wrist. Sasha then takes that injured hand, leads Bayley over to the steps and smashes it down on them. As Bayley writhes on the floor, Sasha continues to yank on that hand and, when Bayley resists, she stomps down with one foot.

She's not done yet. Next she takes Bayley's injured hand, wedges it between steps and ring, and smashes the steps themselves. I'd buy this move a little more if it weren't for Bayley's overacting while trying to free her hand, which she manages without much difficulty when Sasha kicks out. I'm also pretty sure that kicking the steps like that is moving them away from the hand, not crushing it like the commentators seem to think.

Bayley may have a broken hand, but I doubt it. While Bayley rolls about on the floor and the referee checks on her, Sasha returns to the ring. But not for long - while Bayley gets to her feet, Sasha runs out of the ring, somersaults over the referee and lands squarely on Bayley's shoulders. Down they both go!

Sasha is up first, pulling Bayley up by the hair and throwing her back into the ring. She tries to pin, but Bayley kicks out again. How much more can she take?

Sasha pulls Bayley up and returns to her favourite mode of attack - trash talk. The only word I can make out is "loser". She slaps Bayley in the face, then leads her by the hand to the corner post, but as she climbs the post for some dastardly finishing move Bayley regains her senses and shoves. Sasha falls out of the ring at some height. Both roll about on their respective floors.

What's this? Sasha is being counted out! But as far as I can understand it, if she's counted out like this, she retains the title. She doesn't have to beat Bayley - she just needs Bayley to fail. But she doesn't want to just beat her opponent, especially on a technicality. She wants to humiliate her, and that's why she crawls back into the ring as the count reaches eight.

A slapfight ensues, both girls on their knees. Bayley seems to think nothing of using her "broken" hand to lay a punch or two. They continue to yell at each other and trade blows as both rise slowly to their feet. Then Bayley throws the other girl into the ropes and slams her down as she bounces back! And again! And again! Sasha just keeps bouncing back and slamming back down!

Bayley then lets out an Amazonian yell, charges headfirst into Sasha in the corner and rolls away. Sasha sprawls. Bayley then does... something, possibly a dance move, before charging into Sasha again. She pulls her out of the corner, tries a lift, tries again... and Sasha flips over her head and crashes down again. SMASH.

Bayley showboats, then goes for a bearhug. Sasha tries to return the favour, then aims a punch that only serves to spin her around. Bayley pins her against the ropes, rolls her right over, picks her up twice, then goes for a slam on the mat. Sasha reverses it, and Bayley goes down hard. She's pinned again, and this time there's no easy way out. She crawls desperately forward, Sasha hanging on with all her strength. We've seen this trick before - if the pinned wrestler can snag the bottom rope, their opponent has to let go. I still don't understand that one.

Sasha isn't having any of this, using a free foot to stomp down frantically at Bayley's outstretched (and injured) hand. But while she hooks that hand down with one leg, Bayley reaches out with the other hand and... yes! She's grabbed the rope! Both girls roll away.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Bayley has grabbed Sasha in a pin instead! How? What? She tries to pull back Sasha's head like a Pez dispenser, and the two spin slowly around as Sasha tries to grab a rope and Bayley turns her away. Then, finally, a foot snags that bottom rope - the hold is broken.

The two girls sprawl on the canvas. Do either of them have anything left? Bayley is up first, but as she goes to pick up her opponent Sasha lashes out with a foot and Bayley staggers back. This only makes Bayley angry. She charges back in, picks up Sasha's feet and, while Sasha hangs onto the ropes for dear life, she shakes her like a duvet cover. Sasha pulls away, but Bayley grabs her in a very unfriendly hug, hurling her into the mat and pinning her once more. The referee counts...

...and it's still not over! Sasha kicks out and the two separate. As both girls gasp for breath, the crowd chants out what I think is "This is awesome". I could be wrong.

Bayley picks up the struggling Sasha and hangs her on the ropes, then moves her to a sitting position on the top of the post. This is always a dangerous approach, Bayley. They have a nasty habit of springing to life while you're setting up your finishing move. You did it to her yourself a few minutes ago! However, it seems all Sasha can do as Bayley climbs up after her is flail a few weak punches at her back.

Bayley grabs her with both arms, but Sasha perks up a little more and, with a load of desperate flailing, manages to push Bayley away. Bayley is so annoyed at having her trick shot ruined that she runs up and punches her in the face. She tries again, mounting the ropes ready for a huge flip - and Sasha slaps her down! Bayley tumbles to the floor.

Sasha takes advantage of Bayley crawling towards her by leaping down from her perch and into Bayley's neck. She tries to pin the challenger, but Bayley suddenly convulses and the two girls flip over. Now Bayley is on top and Sasha underneath! Pounding the mat in frustration, Sasha crawls free.

As the match comes to what must at last be the endgame, Sasha gets to her feet. Bayley is still on the floor, her energy spent. Sasha picks her up and sits her on top of a corner post, facing out. There's an exchange of exhausted slaps between the two girls and Sasha is knocked away. Bayley tries to get into a better position, punching Sasha repeatedly as the champion moves in, and while she's dazed Bayley climbs around to sit on her shoulders. Then Bailey drops down, the two flip over and both land on the mat. SLAM!

Bayley gets up, flips her opponent once more and pins her to the mat. The referee counts and it's all over - Bayley has won! The new champion of the NXT! Hurrah!

But that belt is never going to go with her outfit.

Bayley's friends come in to celebrate with her. And then... so does Sasha! Four girls hugging, all friends again, all enmity apparently forgotten.

In summary...

This is the first female wrestling match I've seen, and if this is typical they certainly last a fair bit longer. It was much faster paced, but it was also a lot meaner - the boys just want to beat each other up, while the girls want to humiliate each other. The slapping, hair pulling and trash talk add a new dimension.

I've never been entirely convinced by the "acting" of the male wrestlers, but it kind of works. They're performing in a play of sorts, and their characters are quite broadly painted. The female wrestlers are better performers, but this actually makes it less convincing for me. I find it hard to buy the trash talk and the desire to bring each other down when the two girls are hugging and friendly again at the end of the match. But which is the lie, and which is the truth?

Next time...We challenge Andrew's theory that men's wrestling is "all about strength - huge guys with big, heavy blows" as we treat our Non-Fans to some Junior Heavyweight classics. 

Andrew watches...

Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Eddie Guerrero in a WCW Cruiserweight title vs. Mask match from WCW Halloween Havoc from 26th October 1997...

Before Nicholas views... 

Will Ospreay vs. Ricochet from New Japan Pro Wrestling Best of the Super Junior XXIII - Day Six from 27th May 2015...

See you next time.

Article by Nicholas Peat (@NPChilla) & Andrew Williams (@adw_author)

The Non-Fan Review // Alberto Del Rio runs over Santa Claus (RAW 1022)

Two blokes who've had little time for professional wrestling...watch professional wrestling...then write about professional wrestling. That's pretty much the premise that we're building this series around. Our two non-fans will be given iconic moments from the history of wrestling and this month they'll be looking at that time Alberto Del Rio ran over Santa Claus on a Christmas Eve edition of Monday Night RAW in 2012, as well as ADR's subsequent Miracle on 34th Street Fight with John Cena. IT'S FREAKING CHRISTMAS! What will our intrepid graps newbies make of this one? 

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Nick is a 5'11" homo sapiens who never watched wrestling before in his life before embarking on the project.

Born at an early age, he is currently finishing off a PhD in linguistics and has never referred to himself in the third person. He doesn't intend to start now.


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Who doesn't love a good Christmas special?

They can absolutely make or break your Christmas experience for a whole year - whether it's chortling along with Del Boy or watching the Queen's Speech or trying to work out when Doctor Who started being so difficult to watch, there's nothing that brings us all together like yuletide-flavoured telly!

They understand this as well as we do in the faraway land of WWE, but surely nobody could have seen this coming: the 2012 WWE Christmas special begins with a Jingle Bells parody being "sung" (using the term as loosely as I possibly can) in an impossibly wholesome living room by scores of what I presume are WWE all-stars. Personally, I find that this item brings enormous joy to my heart.

It proves there are people with less musical talent than I have.

But that was just the starter in our holiday feast, the Brussell sprouts if you will - the show begins in proper as we cut to the wrestling arena. The commentator announces the "special guest referee" - it's only Father bloody Christmas!! (Or as Americans insist on calling him, the far less endearing Santa Claus. Sigh.) Why the man has yellow ribbons up the middle of his outfit and around his waist is unclear, maybe he's disguised as a birthday present. But he can't be more confused than the commentator, who can't remember his lyrics: "you better not shout, you better not... shout?" Maybe being utterly hopeless at anything to do with singing is a prerequisite for this company. As our favourite red-clad housebreaker hands out hats and dolls -- ahem, sorry, ACTION FIGURES -- to the children in the audience, the music suddenly goes weird and then a man in a tux appears smugly. Hmm.

But then it happens. The toy-distributing chap falls over an enormous white BWM that was right behind him, after which a Christmas tree immediately falls onto his face! Although why the man is holding the tree so close to his face is beyond me. Whatever the case, the man behind the wheel of the car exits the vehicle - he is wearing only a white scarf, golden boots (just like Batgirl) and a nappy, so clearly being caught injuring someone with his car is the SECOND most embarrassing thing to happen to him today. With that said, he looks understandably rattled. As the audience boos, smug tux man comes over and bursts into tears, before starting to play with the driver's scarf. He's a bit of an odd duck.

As the audience stars chanting "YOU KILLED SANTA", we get a replay to show what happened - a loudly honking BMW VERY SLOWLY entered the arena, although somehow the Lapland resident didn't realise it was there.. and stagily fell over it. Huh. So is the driver really completely at fault in this case? If anyone at InjuryLawyers4U can shed some light on this, I'd appreciate it immensely.

The beardy-weirdy is taken away by medics on a stretcher, giving us a thumbs-up so we know it's all fine. I admire such determination in a man who breaks into my house once a year to eat my mince pies and leave Nintendo 3DS games in my stocking.

After what is presumably an advert break, we learn from the commentary that the driver of the vehicle is one Alberto Del Rio, who drove in honking like a madman because he "entered the arena as he usually does". This raises a lot more questions than it answers. The tux man who is traumatised by the whole affair is called Ricardo Rodriguez; he's clearly mid-panic attack. To be honest, at this stage I can happily believe that this was all just one big accident with nobody to blame.

Cut to outside the "Trainer's Room"; if only this meant the room where they keep all the Pokémon. A man with glasses steps outside the room to address the scores of people waiting outside. He says - with a COMPLETELY STRAIGHT FACE - “Guys, I’m not going to sugarcoat this: Santa’s down”.

Enter Alberto, whom everyone hates, especially an overacting man in a hat who marches over and starts mugging to the camera: "MESSAGE FROM THE NORTH POLE, WHADDYA DOING MAAAN? TODAY’S CHRISTMAS EVE AND YOU RAN OVER SANTA!” Alberto's excuse that everyone knows where he drives his car so technically it's not his fault goes down less well than he expects: the throng yells their disapproval, culminating in overacting hat man shouting "ST NICHOLAS IS A SAINT!" No flies on this chap, clearly.

Mr Glasses lets us know the last thing Father Christmas said before losing consciousness: “Alberto Del Rio is going to be in a fight tonight, a Miracle of 34th Streetl Fight vs. John Cena". A man with his priorities in order, clearly. From context, I gather that overacting hat man IS John Cena. What is John's reaction to this request? "FOR SANTAAAAAAAAA!" It's on, bitches.

* * *

One hour and 45 minutes later - I counted - and they've put police tape around the BMW and the old chap's ECG monitor is playing Jingle Bells. The crowd reacts as if this is good news rather than a horrifying case of arrhythmia, so I'll follow suit and join the melee as it unfolds: 

From West Newbury, Massachusetts and weighing 251 pounds, John Cena bursts into the arena and looks thoroughly confused about it; he sprints to the ring starts pointing at random people. As one does.

One ad break later he has lost his t-shirt, now wearing only three-quarter shorts and fetching blue trainers. He mentions that he is running out of material to someone offscreen - maybe that's why his shirt had to go? In the meantime, Ricardo is still sobbing (seriously, THAT man needs medical attention more than anyone by this point, he's dehydrating at a rate of knots) and out slinks a very guilty-looking Alberto, still in the nappy and Flash Gordon boots. Alberto skulks to the ring, clearly knowing he's in the bad books.

DING-DING-DING! I'm impressed that they don't immediately start hitting each other and begin by trying to explain their points sensibly. Eighteen whole seconds without any physical contact go by until Alberto needlessly pushes John: "It was just an accident!" Well, that's opened the floodgates: Mr Cena shoves Mr del Rio into a corner, stands on his thighs and starts hitting his head. He then throws Alberto out of the ring, the commentator claiming that John is "fighting for Santa Claus and for Christmas". Well, that escalated quickly.

John follows his opponent out of the ring, only to be thrown into the metal stairs and receive a couple of kicks while he's down. As they roll back in, Alberto hugs John's leg - ONE, TWO... Nope, not out yet. Weirdly, Alberto asks for and gets a microphone from Ricardo - this the kind of thing I wish we'd see more often, running commentary from participants!

"It was just an accident!" pleads Alberto, before hitting a supine John.

"I was not trying to hurt Santa, okay!" he adds, then hits John with the mike as he tries to get up.

“A mí me gusta la navidad, John Cena," Alberto explains bizarrely as he attempts another whack with the mike... But John dramatically pulls it down, yells "SANTAAAAAAA" into it and then kicks the loquacious dangerous driver away. This could be a great PIF for safe driving with very little editing.

One of life's showmen, John allows the fans to pick whichever present he should open of the half dozen scattered around the ring. Opening the white paper around the box, he finds a black folding chair! Leaping back into the ring, he sets about his opponent with it, then grabs his leg: one, two... HANG ON! Ricardo just pulled the ref away before he could count to three! WHY would he even do that, I thought he liked Father Christmas?? John chases Ricardo around like Benny Hill, only for the latter to give him the slip and for Alberto to knock him down. Now it's time for Alberto to open a present - Ricardo (who, I'm increasingly realising, is just Alberto's bitch) brings a small red present containing... A custard pie. One comedy routine later, John ducks so Alberto gets Ricardo in the face with it. Well, now we know what a wrestling match choreographed by Sooty and Sweep looks like.

A few more blows exchanged and John drags Alberto up the aisle to the giant Christmas tree; unwrapping a green box, John discovers a mini-TV monitor with infectious childlike glee. Seriously, he's stroking it like a baby Triceratops. Straight into Alberto's mush it goes, the cad being on the verge of losing consciousness, then... Another advert break?

We come back and WHAT THE MERRY HECK HAS HAPPENED WHILE WE WERE AWAY? Now it's John rolling around on the floor in agony, while Ricardo offers his dungeon-master-- sorry, I mean his FRIEND Alberto a giant, white present. After a quick replay to show what we missed (not a lot to be honest), Alberto opens the present and looks up to heaven as if to say "WHAT IN THE NAME OF CAROLE ANN DUFFY IS THIS???"

Ricardo desperately tries to guess what it is there: "It's a bazooka! It's a tank! It's a bazooka, I swear!" Alberto reaches in and pulls out a teddy bear.

The crowd and commentators wet themselves laughing while John looks even more baffled than earlier. Alberto roars mightily and throws the toy into John, who simple says "Is this seriously happening?" He might well ask.

Alberto grabs Ricardo by the collar - he's clearly the sadist in their relationship - only for John to pull him off (AHEM!) and slam him into the nearby screen. Putting Ricardo out of the way by putting a wreath around him and a present on his head, John knocks Alberto to the ground, then nips back to looks at more presents. "USE THE TREE! USE THE TREE!" chant the fans; John obliges and whacks his foe with the metal-painted-green decorative arboreal, only to nip back and find a bowling ball! After a moment's calculation, he rolls the orange sphere into Alberto's orange spheres, causing him to double over in AGONY.

John's in a playful mood, he goes back to the other side of the ring and unwraps a fire extinguisher, to the delight of the commentators. As the two brawlers reenter the ring, John covers Alberto with carbon dioxide, which the commentator say is like snow. How they reached this conclusion is beyond me, but it seems to be doing the trick.

But zounds! Ricardo has leapt onto John's back like a koala in what the commentary calls a "sleeper hold"; the magnificent ham is starting to sink groggily...

But no. Jingle Bells plays. He's back.

Ricardo's face suggests he's on the verge of orgasm, he's so happy to see him - he lets go of John and dashes towards Father Christmas, arms outstretched for a hug... Only to be knocked unconscious from one swing of his big, red sack. (AHEM!!)

But he doesn't stop there, St Nicholas. No sir, he puts a stocking on his hand and does what the commentators call a "Santa Socko", which is a lot less rude than it sounds. This creates the opening for John to flip his foe, grab his leg, one two three - AND THAT'S IT!

So, there we have it - a TV special wherein the personification of Christmas was run over by a nearly naked beefcake, teddies were used as weapons and it all worked because it was played so straight.

Once a year is too infrequent for this level of madness.

FINAL SCORE: 8.5/10

Father Christmas, do not touch me...

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Andrew suspects he may be an alien from another planet, frequently finding human rituals baffling. Wrestling is one of the many things that continues to baffle him, but no doubt his findings will be subjected to rigorous study back on his home planet (wherever that is).


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It's Christmas at WWE, and we start with a singalong. Well, I call it that. Suffice to say that most wrestlers should stick to what they're good at. And then... Santa! He strolls in and throws random gifts to the crowd, while an instrumental "Jingle Bells" plays. There are a surprising number of children in the audience for this very occasion.

Then OH NO! A car drives in and v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y runs Santa down! It even takes out the tree! Who is this careless hit and run hooligan, and why is he only in a scarf and his underwear? The crowd boos: "You killed Santa!" The driver's tuxedo-wearing companion (what the hell was going on in that car?) dry heaves into a handkerchief a few times.

I think Santa will pull through. The paramedics have got him, and he's still moving, though I see a neck brace. There's not even any blood. And yes - there's a thumbs up from Santa, and a strained and muffled "ho ho ho".

Oh lord. Now it's a crime scene. They've got police tape and everything.

The wrestlers gather backstage. There's a pep talk and a lot of bad acting. In essence, they decide that the show must go on. The driver - I gather this is Alberto Del Rio - states that this was just an accident, but the others aren't happy. "Saint Nicholas is a saint!" says John Cena. Thanks for that.

We then hear that Santa's last words before he lost consciousness was that there should be a street fight. This seems unlikely, but none of this has been at all likely so far, so what the hell. And it's going to be with Cena. He doesn't look keen at first, but he'll "do it for Santa!"

--

We start with a Santa Claus Update. Apparently, he's taken a turn for the worse. But things can't be that bad - his heart monitor has started beeping "Jingle Bells".

Meanwhile, John Cena runs into the ring while Del Rio's friend (chauffer? I have no idea who this guy is) sobs on the sidelines. Del Rio himself seems fairly settled - he hasn't even changed, but then, he seems to wear trunks and kneepads as his usual wardrobe. The only addition in deference to the cold weather is that scarf.

The two men face off in the ring. Del Rio seems reluctant to fight, while Cena apparently blames him for ruining Christmas. Del Rio slaps back, and Cena goes nuts - pummelling the other guy into the ropes. He pins him into the corner, climbs the ropes and punches him repeatedly on the top of his head. The referee - no-one special today - breaks them up. One rule I've seen universally enforced in WWE seems to be "variety". You can't have two wrestlers get stuck doing the same thing for too long. I think this is a rule against boredom rather than anything fighting-related.

Cena slings Del Rio out of the ring. He follows after, ready to sling him about a bit more, but the second attempt backfires and Del Rio sends Cena flying into those metal steps. You'd think, after the number of times this has happened, they'd replace them with something softer.

Del Rio kicks Cena in the head a couple of times, then helps him back into the ring. An attempt to pin him down fails. A yell and a flying kick onto Cena's head seems more effective. "It was just an accident!" Del Rio yells into the microphone. Then he plants another kick on Cena, which rather undermines his innocence.

Now this is the scene of the "alleged crime", according to the commentators. Hmm. Perhaps justice in WWE is based on who wins their fights more than evidence. Del Rio is angry now. Cena is fighting back, apparently wrestling for... the microphone? Is this a battle of words? But Cena has just one word - "SANTAAA!" - before he kicks Del Rio in the tummy and sends him crashing down. The microphone is tossed aside.

John Cena steps out of the ring. He seems more interested in opening a present under one of the trees (one at each corner of the ring - how festive). A bit early, but it's not like Santa can complain. The size and shape of this box make me wonder - could it be...?

IT IS! IT'S A METAL FOLDING CHAIR!

Cena quickly puts it to use, jabbing Del Rio in the stomach and then whacking him on the back with it. He puts it to one side as he goes for a pin, but Del Rio isn't ready to quit just yet. Del Rio's tuxedoed weird friend argues with the referee - I'm not sure whether this is about using a chair or opening his presents early, but either way, Cena gets mad and comes charging out of the ring.

Weird Tuxedo Dude (WTD) runs for his life. He takes a shortcut through the ring itself, and as Cena follows he is intercepted by WTD's mate. Del Rio is not happy. Cena receives a hell of a kicking.

WTD returns with a present of his own, for Del Rio. It's... a pie? I'd prefer the chair myself. Cena avoids a face full of food, however, by ducking at the last moment. WTD gets a pie in the face instead. Well, that was pointless.

Battle rejoins, with Del Rio thrown face first into a post and then out of the ring. Cena decides to entertain the audience by taking Del Rio out for a walk and bashing his head on random things. Like his fist. He pauses to open another present. This one has a portable TV monitor in it with a convenient carry handle (ahh, 2012 technology). It clobbers Del Rio back into a pile of display boxes.

We pause for a commercial break. In this brief period, WTD returns to distract John Cena while Del Rio regains his wits. The latter sneaks up behind Cena and whacks him on the back of the head with something. We return in time for WTD to give Del Rio another present. The last one was a pie - despite his promises of a tank or a bazooka (I suspect even WWE would balk at using these in a match) Del Rio finds...

...a teddy bear?

Cena just stands there and watches. He doesn't react even when said teddy bear is hurled at his chest. With battle rejoined, Cena charges in with a punch and then hurls Del Rio into the display boxes again - via the wall. He then ensures WTD can't cause any more mischief with the restraining powers of a holly wreath around the chest and a large box on his head.

Back to Del Rio, who likes to kick. This time a low kick to the shin/calf area distracts Cena long enough for a punch to the head and another large box to follow. The punch to the groin was a low blow in every sense, however. The two men drag, punch and headbutt each other back to the ring, Cena gaining the upper hand and slamming Del Rio into the commentary desk.

Cena goes hunting for more presents, finding nothing of interest. The crowd offer their own suggestion - "USE THE TREE! USE THE TREE!" And that's just what he does - charging down Del Rio as he struggles to his feet with a fully decorated Christmas tree. Careful, Cena - you might get Tinsellitis.

Cena goes back for another present, this time finding a box he likes. Inside is... a bowling ball?? He lines up for a strike... right into Del Rio's, um, pin. The look of horror on Del Rio's face is matched by every adult male in the audience.

Cena's not done. There's a present left by the tree near the ring, and this one has what must be the final straw - a fire extinguisher. Del Rio struggles upright, crawling back into the ring. Cena follows. Del Rio begs for mercy - "it's Christmas! It's Christmas!" - but Cena is unmoved. He fires a continuous blast over his opponent. Del Rio bounces helplessly from floor to ropes, unable to see or do anything in the spray.

Then a small blur leaps in from nowhere - it's WTD! He leaps onto Cena's back, trying to grab him in some sort of headlock. Cena somehow falls to the ground under this unlikely attack.

And then we hear Jingle Bells. Suddenly, Santa is back! Perhaps we'll get some sanity restored to the proceedings... wait, what am I saying??

Cena and Del Rio are both prostrate, but WTD is thrilled at this turn of events. He runs out to greet the jolly old red suited weirdo - who clobbers him with his sack.

Santa then puts on a red glove, and shoves it into Del Rio's mouth. I have no idea what's going on any more, but Del Rio is roused in a hurry. Cena is up again behind him, grabs him, flips him over his head and slams him into the mat. Pinned, Del Rio is counted out very swiftly and the match is over.

Santa seems mystified by his own red glove. Cena seems happy, however, basking in the cheers of the crowd, then sharing a hug with Santa.


Verdict: Very, very silly. And Santa is surprisingly bloodthirsty.

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Next time // We mix up the format as Andrew watches Sasha Banks vs. Bayley from NXT Takeover: Brooklyn...

 whilst Nicholas views Trish Stratus & Lita vs. Stacy Kiebler & Torrie Wilson in a Bra and Panties Match from WWF Invasion! 

Article by Nicholas Peat and Andrew Williams