Retro Review // WWE Judgment Day 2004

May 2004 – The Frankie/Eamon debacle was dominating the music charts, Friends aired its last ever episode and WWE's SmackDown brand was promoting Judgment Day. The show was promoted around three singles matches, with a lot of big name talent...and Rene Dupree. Dupree was set to challenge John Cena for his newly won United States Championship, whilst Booker T went head to head with The Undertaker and the newly rechristened John “Bradshaw” Layfield found himself with an opportunity for Eddie Guerrero's WWE title. Whilst the undercard didn't appear to offer all that much, there was potential for a good PPV if the top matches could deliver...but did they? Lets take a look. 

So, yeah, the show begins with the traditional video package...but this one takes on a much darker tone in retrospect and actually becomes a little hard to watch as it focuses on the theme of Judgement (because it's Judgment Day obvs). You're probably wondering what makes this dark, that would be the heavy focus on Eddie Guerrero as the voice over says “Is there actually life after death? Or are the memories we create here the only true after life?” In May 2004, this wouldn't have meant all that much (although I still feel it would've felt unnecessarily over-the-top), but considering Guerrero passed away less than a year and half later, watching the footage in May 2018 is a little uncomfortable. The open also included John “Bradshaw” Layfield, Booker T, The Undertaker, Rene Dupree and John Cena.

Our commentary team of Michael Cole & Tazz welcomed us to the Staples Center in Los Angeles, California, after some pyro and what have you. Hugo Savinivich & Carlos Cabrera were there to provide Spanish commentary, good lads. 

Tag Team Match - Rey Mysterio & Rob Van Dam vs. The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray & D-Von)

This was a fun, well-booked opener, that played to it's strengths and despite going a little too long in this reviewer's opinion, managed to keep the Staples Center hot and behind the ultra babyface duo of Rey Mysterio & Rob Van Dam throughout. The Dudley Boyz dominated the majority with plenty of intensity and heely tactics, with Bubba Ray in particular shining as he repeatedly distracted the ref to do something dastardly. Bubba's character work was on point here, as he showed glimpses of what would become his Bully Ray character in TNA many years later and it was clear from this that he had the most potential for a singles run. Mysterio & RVD are a fun team and the brief flashes of offence from them provide just enough to buoy the bout at the right times, whilst also both selling the beating they take from the Dudleyz well. There's a couple of instances of awkardness, like a poorly conceived monkey flip from RVD to Bubba Ray and an overall lack of cohesion from the Dudley Boyz, who appear to operate as two singles wrestlers rather than the well-oiled machine that you'd expect at this point. However, the finishing stretch features a couple of nice near falls and the highlight of the match as RVD pops Mysterio straight up into a frankensteiner to D-Von. Probably not quite good enough to go out of your way to check out on it's own, but it works as the curtain jerker and the Staples Center loved everything Mysterio & RVD had to offer.

Next Pay-Per-View – At Great American Bash on 27th June, Rey Mysterio defended the Cruiserweight Championship (which he won on the 17th June SmackDown) against Chavo Guerrero, Rob Van Dam got a shot at John Cena's United States Championship in a Fatal Four-way, whilst The Dudley Boyz battled The Undertaker in the one and only Concrete Crypt match as the main event. 

A very young and oddly dressed Josh Mathews hosted a weird interview in Booker T's lockeroom, that for some reason was filled with candles, concluding with Booker revealing that a mysterious pouch will help him beat the Undertaker in their match later on the show. Booker's performance actually wasn't all that bad, but the gimmick is stupid and has very little to do with anything that he said.

Some shots of the outside of the Staples Center, which was bathed in sunlight on what looks like a lovely afternoon all round.

This show continues to get weirder as SmackDown General Manager Kurt Angle arrived in what I can only describe as a contraption, pushed out by Luther Reigns, with Angle rising up into the air whilst sitting in a wheelchair with a French flag on the back. Angle proceeded to cut a cheap heat promo on Los Angeles, ending by wishing an earthquake on the city, before calling out Torrie Wilson and telling her if she lost her match with Dawn Marie she'd be fired...this was apparently because Angle had blamed Wilson for the injury he'd suffered at the hands of the Big Show. I'm not familiar with the angle, but it sounded pretty lame. 

Singles Match – Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie

This match is trash, pure and utter trash. Apart from swathes of sloppy strikes and awkward reversals, the “highlight” of the match was Wilson attempting to hold the tights on pinfall (despite being a babyface) and “accidentally” revealing Marie's arse to the Staples Center. This gets a massive pop. Despite their being a clear storyline to be told, with Wilson being thrown straight into a career-threatening match against a woman who had previously shagged her Dad to death, the only thing that garners a reaction is the sight of woman's (almost) bare backside. Someone should let this crowd know about the internet or indeed actual women. If you ever want to show someone an example of how far women's wrestling has come in WWE over the last 15 years, this is probably a good place to start. 

Next PPV – The Great American Bash would see Torrie Wilson's momentum halted as she lost to Sable, whilst Dawn Marie wouldn't return to PPV until October's No Mercy where she'd tag with The Dudley Boyz in a losing effort against Charlie Haas, Miss Jackie & Rico. 

Whilst surrounded bottles of champagne, John “Bradshaw” Layfield cut a promo on America, with strong xenophobic overtones, before ending by claiming that he will be victorious over Eddie Guerrero later on. 

Singles Match – Mordecai vs. Scotty 2 Hotty

The ludicrously dressed Mordecai's first of just three broadcast WWE bouts saw the 6 foot 3 Memphian squash former WWF Light Heavyweight Champion Scotty 2 Hotty. If this had been on an episode of SmackDown it would've been a decent introduction to Mordecai as he looks pretty impressive at points, showing good intensity and has a couple of inventive spots like a sneaky submission hold around the ring post. But this is PPV and a match like this really has not place on an event that people are paying for. The highlight was a short Scotty comeback that got a massive pop from the crowd as he hit a superkick that busted open Mordecai's lip. The Crucifix powerbomb that Modercai wins with is a lame choice as finisher and nowhere near the best incarnation of the move. 

Next PPV – Mordecai took on Hardcore Holly at The Great American Bash, whilst Scotty 2 Hotty wouldn't be back on PPV until January as he took part in the 2005 Royal Rumble, with this bout being his final PPV singles match.

Jacqueline presented Chavo Guerrero with some underwear backstage, whilst Chavo Classic was seen with his trousers around his ankles for some reason. 

WWE Tag Team Championship Match – Rico & Charlie Haas © (w/ Miss Jackie) vs. Hardcore Holly & Billy Gunn

This really was a match of two halves, beginning with some dated homophobic comedy and concluding with a rather good closing sequence. The first six minutes of the match was bad comedy, which with 2018 vision is not a lot of fun to watch, as everyone seems afraid of the effeminate Rico, who constantly feels up his opponents. Basically, Rico was rehashing the Goldust gimmick and not doing so all that brilliantly, but it has to be said that the Staples Center seemed to lap up all the various sexual positions that the competitors fell into. 2004 was a world away in more ways than one it seems. Also why was Billy Gunn so afraid of Rico now? It's like Billy & Chuck has been retconned. The beginning is made all the more frustrating by the fact that the finish features some of the best work on the show so far, with all four men delivering high quality back and forth action, as the momentum changes repeatedly, before Rico nails Holly with a superkick just before Holly can hit an Alabama Slam on Haas. If the company had been more focused on putting on good wrestling than telling a bad joke, then this could have been a very satisfying ten minutes. 

Next PPV – After dropping the Tag Team titles to the Dudley Boyz on 17th June SmackDown, Charlie Haas would compete in a singles match with Luther Reigns at The Great American Bash, whilst Rico would wait until No Mercy in October for the aforementioned six person tag match, which would turn out to be his final PPV match with WWE. Billy Gunn and Hardcore Holly would both compete in singles matches at Great American Bash, against Kenzo Suzuki (Gunn's last ever one on one match on a WWE PPV) and Mordecai respectively. 

A quick backstage promo from The Undertaker and Paul Bearer that really offered up nothing of note.

The commentary team discussed how much “voodoo” Booker T would have to bring in order to defeat The Undertaker later on. Fuck off. 

Highlights of Chavo Classic beating Jacqueline on SmackDown and Jacqueline pulling Classic's trousers down after the match. Fuck off. 

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match – Chavo Guerrero (w/ Chavo Classic) vs. Jacqueline (C) 

This was lame. I hated pretty much everything that happened here, from the counterproductive gimmick of Guerrero having one arm tied behind his back to the presentation of Jacqueline to the multiple interference spots from Classic in the finish. No one came out looking good, no one got any extra heat, the Cruiserweight title looked like a joke and I wanted to scratch my eyes out with a rusty spoon. I don't want to talk anymore about it. 

After the match, Chavo Guerrero cut a short promo about something, before Chavo Classic kicked Jacqueline in the gut. Brilliant. Well done.

Next PPV – Chavo Guerrero would drop the Cruiserweight title to Chavo Classic on the SmackDown following this PPV (in a three way that also included Spike Dudley), with Classic later dropping the belt to Rey Mysterio. At The Great American Bash, Guerrero received a shot at Mysterio's title. Jacqueline would be released by WWE the following month, eventually resurfacing in TNA in November, facing Trinity at Victory Road.  Jacqueline would make her WWE PPV return 14 years later at the 2018 Royal Rumble. 

A quick package lets us know that Rene Dupree and John Cena are feuding because Dupree hates the United States and also for some reason, Torrie Wilson. The highlight of their feud seemed to be Dupree powerbombing Cena through the announce table. 

John Cena got to do a little rap before his match, which was not great and pretty much buried Dupree, but was over with the LA crowd. 

WWE United States Championship Match - John Cena © vs. Rene Dupree

Not a classic at all here, as Rene Dupree showed us why this was his one and only one on one WWE PPV match. The French Phenom looked sloppy when taking and receiving offence for pretty much the whole bout, whilst the early exchanges were particularly poor as Dupree struggled to get over the top rope on a clothesline spot, before taking a weird looking bump into the turnbuckle off an Irish whip. Whilst Dupree would later hit a number of big moves, including a spinebuster, DDT and a clunky neckbreaker, the Frenchman either didn't cover Cena or was slow to the cover, which made the then 20 year old grappler come out of the match looking like a bit of chump. Whether this was purposefully done to help John Cena, I'm not sure, but it certainly didn't help the match. For his part, Cena looked competent, but it would be stretch to say that the Massacusettsan appeared to have anywhere near the star potential that he'd develop in coming months and years, although he was notably over with the LA audience (although they appear to be happy with what has been a pretty awful PPV so far, so lets not trust their reactions anymore). The highlight was a big spot that saw Dupree dodge a crossbody while on the apron, sending Cena over the top and to the floor and even this didn't make a whole load of sense if you thought about it for more than half a second. It looked cool though, so there's that.

Next PPV – Both Cena and Dupree would be involved in a Four-way match for Cena's US title at The Great American Bash. 

Kenzo Suzuki is coming to SmackDown and he tells us so in Japanese, I imagine. 

The package for The Undertaker vs. Booker T showed once again how inept the SmackDown creative department was at the time as whilst the storyline appeared to initially be run of the mill as Booker attempted to establish himself after jumping from RAW to SD, it quickly devolved into Booker enlisting the help of a voodoo priestess and putting dirt from a graveyard into a bag. Why? 

Singles Match – The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer) vs. Booker T

This would be a poor match if anyone was involved, but considering you have two top level talents in here, it makes for an even more painful watch. The gimmick that Booker has a bag of dirt that he keeps rubbing on himself for somekind of advantage is bad enough, but when you consider that it gives Booker absolutely no help, even when he resorts to lobbing the dirt into the Deadman's eyes it produces some of the most mind-numbing action either man has ever been involved in. It's clear that neither guy gives a shit about the match, with The Undertaker in particular half-arsing his performance, no-selling his leg after Booker spent some time on it, whilst also struggling with his ring positioning on a number of occasions. Both men do shit looking version of their signature holds for the finish of what must be considered some of the least inspired work of either man's career.

Next PPV – At Great American Bash, The Undertaker would face The Dudley Boyz in the main event, the first ever and indeed only, Concrete Crypt match, whilst Booker T would be involved in the four-way bout for the United States Championship. 

John “Bradshaw” Layfield's rise up the card was the main thrust of the promo package for the main event, until the despicable angle that saw Eddie Guerrero's mother “suffer a heart attack” at a live event after being confronted by JBL. Fuck off. Who is booking this shit? SmackDown was a pile of shit at this point and I'm glad I'm only watching this PPV and not sitting through what looks like a terrible time to be a fan of the blue brand.

JBL proceeded to cut a promo about Mexico being a shithole and wanting to put Eddie Guerrero on a raft back home (despite Guerrero being from El Paso, Texas), whilst also offering Guerrero's mother a job as his maid. Eugh. This doesn't make me hate the character or want to see him get his comeuppance, it just makes me cringe and want to watch anything else. 

Singles Match for WWE Championship – John “Bradshaw” Layfield vs. Eddie Guerrero © 

Okay, so this match is remembered for one thing and one thing only. Which is, of course, JBL nailing one of the dirtiest chair shots in WWE history and Eddie Guerrero slicing his head to fuck in a horrendous bladejob. More on that in a moment, lets skim over the rest of the bout first, even if it is pretty inconsequential stuff. There was some firey brawling early on and a botched spot in the mid-way point that leads to some awkwardness as the two, quite surprisingly, struggle to improvise their way back to where they need to be. That botch adds a lot of time that the match really doesn't need, as I feel a quicker match that escalated quickly to the chair shot would have been more fitting to the rivalry that had been built around JBL hating Mexico and almost killing Eddie's Mom, rather than JBL whacking on about six chinlocks. I guess the reason this had to go so long is that neither of the other featured matches went much over ten minutes and the pair were forced to kill time.

Let's talk about that blood baybeeeeeee. Because it is fucking horrific and super uncomfortable to watch at various times, meaning that this match is not one for anyone a little squeamish. That's without mentioning some of the nastiest chairshots that the WWE has ever seen being thrown by both men. The blood however does create some wonderful visuals, improve the strength of any near fall that JBL has on Latino Heat and make Guerrero's comeback an absolute experience to witness. Seriously though, Guerrero hulking up after kicking out of a Clothesline from Hell and a JBL bomb, whilst covered in, and dripping, blood is a moment that is so ridiculous that somehow it works. The crowd goes absolutely nuts for their hero as he refuses to lie down for a men who has criticised his heritage and people. Therefore, it's difficult not to say that the finish of the bout itself comes across as more than a little lame, as after multiple ref bumps, Guerrero nails JBL in the goolies and then clobbers him with the WWE title belt for a DQ finish. It makes logical sense that Guerrero couldn't see another way out, but couldn't bare to lose to JBL, but the fact that Eddie would never manage a victory over the man that basically caused his Mom a heart attack really doesn't sit right. 

The post-match attack makes up for the crappy finish somewhat as Guerrero went mad on JBL, with a pair of brutal unprotected chair shots and a Frog Splash, before the two are eventually separated by a number of WWE officials, including Fit Finlay, Arn Anderson, Dean Malenko and Steve Keirn.

Next PPV – Layfield would get a second chance at the WWE Championship as he got a rematch with Guerrero at the Great American Bash, this time in a Texas Bullrope match. 

This is not a good PPV, not a good PPV in the slightest. The only match I'd recommend going and checking out is the main event, because I think there's more merit to that bout than simply seeing the chair shot and brutal bladejob in a YouTube clip. There's moments in both the opening tag and the Tag title bout, but outside of that there's nothing on this show, as two of the top three matches fall flat, especially The Undertaker vs. Booker T clash. However, match quality isn't my biggest problem with this show. My biggest problem is that beyond the opening match, every single match on the card has an element of sexism, racism, homophobia or xenophobia, that (according to the crowd reactions from LA in 2004) has not aged very well at all. It feels like the only way the creative team knew how to get heat was to alienate elements of their own fanbase and the only way they knew how to get a reaction was to use lazy poorly conceived stereotypes. There's stuff on this show made me cringe and will I'm sure make others feel even more uncomfortable. Don't waste your time with Judgment Day 2004, lads. 

For an alternative look at this event, check out our good pal Marc Pearson's review from his 10 Years Ago series. 

Next time - WCW Slamboree 1993 

My WrestleMania Moments

Next week signals the biggest week of the wrestling calendar itself as WWE descends on the Superdome in New Orleans, Louisiana for WrestleMania 34.

With Brock Lesnar set to defend the Universal Championship against Roman Reigns, The Undertaker set to return to take on John Cena, Ronda Rousey set to make her in-ring debut as she teams up with Kurt Angle to take on Triple H and Stephanie McMahon amongst other matches, it should prove to be a memorable edition.

WrestleMania 33 will mark the 16th WrestleMania I have watched live and despite the highs and lows of wrestling, it still remains something that always managed to excite me.

I was lucky enough to attend last years WrestleMania in Orlando, Florida, which was the culmination of a lifelong dream. It was a terrific experience, reminding me why I love the wacky world of professional wrestling and all it's highs and lows. 

But what do I see as the most memorable WrestleMania moments since I've been watching? Here are my top five.

The End of The Undertaker's Streak

Certainly the most shocking moment for my money, as Brock Lesnar put an end to a 21 year streak. 

The best thing about this was how low key the build up to the match was. It just seemed like it was going to be yet another victory for Taker,  all the way until the actual finish.

After that, several questions went through people's heads. Was that planned? Did Brock go into business for himself? Was the Undertaker supposed to kick out? When this daft old sport can make you question things like that, you know you're onto a winner. 

Shawn Michaels retires 

The end of the Heartbreak Kid's storied career came at the end of WrestleMania 26 in one of the best moments in recent memory. 

A two year rivalry with a wrestler's competitive spirit and obsession with achieving greatness leading to his downfall was by far the best story told in recent years.  

This is a moment that still lasts to this day, largely due to the fact that it was the definitive end for HBK when so many retirements have gone the opposite way. A true 'WrestleMania Moment'.

Daniel Bryan becomes WWE World Heavyweight Champion. 

If anything could describe Daniel Bryan defying the odds to end the biggest WrestleMania of all time, it would be fan power. 

As the fans hijacked numerous attempts by WWE to force a main event of Batista v Randy Orton on them, they were made to change their plans and the rest is history.

Although the aftermath wasn't what we wanted, there is nothing better than seeing an underdog achieve their dreams, and that is exactly what happened here.

The Rock takes on Hulk Hogan

A clash of two icons during WrestleMania X8 saw The Rock and Hulk Hogan take part in one of the biggest dream matches of the century.

It's a match that had me on the edge of my seat as a child, and my appreciation for seeing two of the best of all-time has only increased to this day. 

Showing their understanding of the crowd, Hogan wrestled the match as as a babyface and added to already electric atmosphere in the stadium, giving the fans exactly what they want.

Cena and Batista become stars  

WrestleMania has become somewhat of a nostalgia trip in recent years, with part timers coming back to take on each other becoming a new theme for the show.

The last time WWE successfully looked to the future was shockingly over a decade ago at Wrestlemania 21 when John Cena defeated John Bradshaw Layfield to become WWE Champion and Batista defeated Triple H to become World Heavyweight Champion.

By creating two detestable heels in JBL and Triple H that had talked and cheated their way to victory for months, WWE helped create two of the biggest babyfaces in recent memory, and in an era where they are severely lacking stars, the company could do worse than to follow this template again. 

Written by Andy Phillips // 

@AndyP_GY

The Best of Times…The Worst of Times // WrestleMania

The SuperBowl; The World Series; The World Cup; WrestleMania: the fact that Vince McMahon’s showpiece event is regularly mentioned in the same breath as these mainstream juggernauts is testament to his vision and drive, proof that his legacy goes beyond wrestling and touches the worlds of sport and entertainment. Whichever city secures the show of shows becomes the epicentre of the wrestling word, hosting a week-long festival that draws in grap-fans from across the globe. As exciting as all of the supplementary shows are, for me, WrestleMania always remains the most significant: the grandeur of the national anthem; the first shot of the epic set design; the pageantry of the entrances. For 33 years, this show has forged some of the greatest moments in professional wrestling history, as well as some that would be better forgotten. For one last time, I roll out the best of times, worst of times treatment to examine the granddaddy of them all...

Best WrestleMania: WrestleMania 17

This is the only sane choice for best Mania ever and in my humble opinion is the GOAT of all wrestling shows. Want to know how much I love this card? I had My Way by Limp Bizkit played at my wedding (it wasn’t the first dance or anything but yeah, it was in there).

The first hour is a little slow (Kane in a golf cart though) but business picks up in hour two. Angle vs. Benoit isn’t a classic but it’s much better than it gets credit for while the battle of the McMahons over-delivers more than any match in Federation history. That pop Linda gets when she kicks her old man in the plums…wow. TLC is magical, the Edge-Jeff Hardy spear spot absolute perfection while the Undertaker and Triple H have a spirited tussle. The legends’ battle royale is harmless fun: Bobby Heenan’s last stint at a WWF commentary table the undoubted highlight. And then there is the main event: in hindsight the turn was a bad idea but many wrestling commentators were calling for it at the time. And the match itself was superb. The epoch of attitude era brawling: multiple finishing moves, big near falls and genuinely exciting punch-kick combos, this match is action movie wrestling at its finest.

Honourable Mentions: Mania 19/ Mania 31

Worst WrestleMania: WrestleMania 11

For most fans, WrestleMania 9 usually takes this category hands down but at least the Vegas show is fun to look at. True the matches are at best bang average and at worst Undertaker vs Giant Gonzales but there are good moments: sick bumps in the Steiner-Headshrinker war; respected announcers in togas; Todd Pettingill interviewing clearly pissed up fans. By contrast, WrestleMania 11 is just a bit boring. It emanates from their home state of Connecticut, a metaphor for the play it safe nature of the PPV - and features one good match: HBK doing the J-O-B for his kayfabe foe Diesel. Lawrence Taylor may have been big news in the States (and to be fair he performs pretty well here) but as an 11 year old from the UK, this felt like such a nothing main event and I can’t shake that feeling watching the card years later. Elsewhere Bob Backlund vs. Bret Hart is so poor while King Kong Bundy versus Taker is every bit as mundane as it sounds.

Honourable Mentions: Mania 2/ Mania 9

Best Match: Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels - WrestleMania 25

I was fortunate enough to be in attendance in Houston, Texas when the Deadman went to war with the Heartbreak Kid in the greatest WrestleMania match of all time. Walking into the Reliant Stadium, I knew Taker would win a; indeed, everyone I spoke to that day shared that conviction. We knew Taker’s streak was now the WrestleMania storyline and that if it was ever to be vanquished, it would be offered up to someone other than the near-retired Shawn Michaels. However, half way through this incredible, absorbing contest, I stopped believing that: I reacted to near falls as though either man could win, as did the rest of the crowd. This match shut off the “smart” part of our wrestling brains and retreated to the naïve, purity of fandom that we enjoyed as children; we didn’t question the booking of whether Micheals could or should win, rather  we just lived in the moment,. When HBK kicked out of the Tombstone I took pause and glanced around me: some fans were pumping their fists while others were shaking their heads, the emotion as real and raw as any legit sporting event. A father and son sat next to me, the former cheering on Taker, the latter supporting Michaels, shared a gasp, unable to believe the ride they were being taken on. The feeling among the thousands in attendance was mutual.

Honourable Mentions: Savage vs Warrior (Mania 7)/ Michaels vs Ramon (Mania 10)/ Dudleys v Edge and Christian v Hardys (Manias 16 and 17), Austin vs Rock (Mania 17)/ Michaels v Angle (Mania 21)

Worst Match: Al Snow and Steve Blackman vs. Test and Albert: WrestleMania 16

Al Snow is the worst good wrestler in the sport’s history: he is a pretty capable performer but his back catalogue is full of undisputed train wrecks. This is no different: his odd man team with Blackman was entertaining in skits but really struggled in the ring. This clunky mess, played out before a largely disinterested crowd and topped off by a violent attack on a little person dressed as a block of cheese (!), was better than Snow’s previous nadir (Kennel in the Cell) but only just.

Honourable Mentions: Hulk Hogan vs Sid (Mania 8)/ Undertaker vs Giant Gonzales (Mania 9)/ Sable vs Tori (Mania 15)

Best Promo: Hogan- Austin-Rock at WrestleMania 30

The best promo in Mania history started with two flubs as Hulk Hogan forgot what a) building and b) decade he was in. However, this error provided the base for a great running joke as Steve Austin and The Rock joined him in-ring to provide fans with a real life wrestling Rushmore. Comedy (love Austin’s “great to be back in the Silverdome” line), catchphrases and nostalgia proved a heady cocktail as fans laughed, chanted and cheered through this genuine once in a lifetime moment. Star power never shone so bright.

Honourable Mentions: Hulk Hogan at Mania 4 (he claims that in the event of Trump Plaza sinking, host and future Prez The Donald would abandon all materialistic possessions (!) in order to doggy paddle his family to safety: to illustrate the point, Hogan then backstrokes out of frame); Jake ‘the Snake’ Roberts- Mania 6; Pete Rose laying waste to the Boston sports’ scene at Mania 14.

Worst Promo: Rhythm and Blues- WrestleMania 6

In a bloated show, the last thing the fans in Toronto needed was a terrible tag team wasting their time with a poor, pointless promo, singing not so bad it was funny, just so bad as to be really bad. Especially frustrating was that this whole mess existed simply to set up a Bushwhackers run-in. I love cartoon wrestling but this material would drive away hardened fans, let alone non-believers.

Honourable Mention: Brutus Beefcake at Mania 4: he literally just chats waffle for 30 seconds while staring at his scissors. No clue what he was trying to do here.

Best surprise moment: Seth Rollins cashes in at WrestleMania 31.

To qualify as a truly effective surprise, the moment in question should feel spontaneous and unexpected but on closer inspection make total sense for all performers involved. Such was the case when Rollins became the first man to cash in his Money in the Bank briefcase at WrestleMania, interjecting himself into a great title bout between Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar, not diluting the match but adding to it. All three men prospered: for Rollins, the moment was an arrival for him, a chance to close the biggest show of the year title in hand; for Lesnar, the title was dropped but as the odd man out in the fall, his aura was preserved; and Reigns maybe benefited most of all. Had he won, the crowd may have rioted and destroyed his push once and for all; by putting over his well-liked Shield alumni, he did business and lived to fight another day.

Honourable Mentions: Rowdy Roddy Piper interferes in Hogan v McMahon- Mania 19; Ronda Rousey appears at Mania 31.

Worst surprise moment: Hogan beats Yokozuna at WrestleMania 9

To the above point: if the surprise benefits no-one going forward, it really shouldn’t happen. Take this infamous night in Vegas: Yokozuna cheated to win the world title, a few grains of salt once again proving too much for a main event wrestler to withstand. Hogan, consoling the defeating Bret Hart, soon decided to enact revenge for the Hitman or ‘Merica or something and within seconds, Yoko was beaten and the Hulkster was the new champion. This match, impromptu and unadvertised as it was, didn’t boost buy rates, it made the Hit-man and Yoko look weak and cast Hogan as, at best a shrewd political mover and at worst, a conniving, attention-hungry schemer. Often fans view Hogan’s antics at Manias 6 and 18 as his most self-serving; this was far worse.

Honourable Mention: Vince turns heel (again) and re-unites the McMahons (again)- Mania 16

Quick Hits:

To sign off the series, here are some quick hits to cover the great and not so good of ‘Mania history.

Best Promoted Main Event: John Cena vs The Rock- Mania 28 (a year in the making and the biggest money show at the PPV box office).

Worst Promoted Main Event: Triple H vs Chris Jericho- Mania 18 (this was all about Steph- glad they don’t take that approach anymore…)

Best Opening Match: Bret Hart vs Owen Hart- Mania 10 (one of the underrated feuds in Fed history)

Worst Opening Match: Tag Team Battle Royale- Mania 14 (I only remember that LOD were in fancy dress and they had Sunny knocking about).

Best Set Design: WrestleMania 29 (an ode to New York: the Statue of Liberty above the ring was something else)

Worst Set Design: WrestleMania 11/13 (these could have just been any old television tapings).

Best Celebrity Involvement: Donald Trump (love him or loathe him, Trump was big business).

Worst Celebrity Involvement: Akebono (I can never unsee Big Show in a nappy).

Written by Sean Taylor-Richardson // @GrownManCenaFan

The Non-Fan Review 4 // The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns (WM 33)

Three blokes, have become two, with Sam Button stepping down prior to this edition...so Two blokes who've had little time for professional wrestling...watch professional wrestling...then write about professional wrestling. That's pretty much the premise that we're building this series around. Our two non-fans will be given iconic moments from the history of wrestling and this month they'll be looking at Roman Reigns vs. The Undertaker from WrestleMania 33, the most recent incarnation of the sports-entertainment spectacular, what will our intrepid graps newbies make of this one? 

---

Andrew suspects he may be an alien from another planet, frequently finding human rituals baffling. Wrestling is one of the many things that continues to baffle him, but no doubt his findings will be subjected to rigorous study back on his home planet (wherever that is).

---

This is easily the longest match I have watched so far in this strange yet interesting experiment - and the slowest. Hulk Hogan was all about the theatre. Hart and Austin brawled non-stop, including with the referee. The billionaire shave-off arguably had five fighters, six if you include the Donald, so there was never a dull moment. This is, perhaps, the first "ordinary" match I've watched, for a given value of ordinary.

I mean, take the competitors. Dark and sinister music as a man in black enters. He punches the floor, and fire erupts along the path to the ring. This is the 265 pound Roman Reigns. Swollen muscles, detailed tattoos, hair urgently needs conditioner - and he's not even the scary one.

Then the bell tolls, the choir starts up, the organ music swells. Roman's competitor takes his sweet time, but he doesn't bother with such mediocre entrances as walking in through the door. He merely rises from the ground. This is the Undertaker, the ultimate goth. He hasn't even entered the ring yet, and Roman looks worried. The audience have gone quiet, too. Even the commentators have nothing to say. This dude is scary. But man, I love this guy's style.

Slowly, deliberately, the Undertaker strolls up to the ring. He undoes his long coat but doesn't seem quite ready to take it off yet. However, he does have a neat trick with rolling his eyes into his head. Five minutes in, the Undertaker finally removes his hat and coat. He's a big guy with a receding hairline. I can see why he likes the hat. Roman stands quietly by, waiting for the match to begin.

And then it does - Roman charges in, but is swiftly punched back by the big guy. Trapped in the corner under a barrage of punches, he breaks away. The Undertaker simply walks beside him, takes his head in one hand and shoves him through the ropes and out of the ring.

Roman steps back in and tries again. Swings and misses. Takes a barrage of punches and gets shoved out of the ring again. Roman prowls around the ring, the Undertaker watching him the whole time - it's a cat fight without the miaowing.

Finally Roman makes his move, and as the Undertaker moves in to chuck him back out he shoves the big guy's face into the ropes. The Undertaker staggers back. Roman climbs into the ring while he's distracted. Charge! WHACK! Damn it, these guys always try for the charge and it. Never. Works.

Roman swings again, and this time connects. The Undertaker staggers. Roman lands another blow and sends the big guy into the ropes. Then he yells out, charges forward and sends the Undertaker spinning over the ropes and out of the ring. He lands deftly on his feet (see? cat fight).

Roman strolls away, then turns to see the big guy just standing there, waiting. Roman is puzzled. Wasn't he supposed to go sprawling? Roman steps forward to complete the job. Mr U grabs his foot and pulls him over. Then he yanks him out of the ring, gives him a solid headbutt and throws him noisily into the metal steps leading into the ring. Roman hits the deck. Ouch.

There's no yelling, no running, no expression. The Undertaker is as slow and relentless as the Terminator, or Pepe le Pew. He casually tosses the steps away. Then he just as casually tosses the gulping fish that is Roman Reigns back into the ring.

The two men rise. Still dazed, Roman takes a punch to the head and blinks in surprise. He seems unable to resist as the Undertaker takes his arm and prepares to throw him across the ring - but, somehow, Roman reverses it and it's the big guy that sails across the canvas. He bounces off the ropes, flips over Roman's shoulders and hits the ground. Maybe the little guy has a shot after all.

The Undertaker struggles upright, clearly unused to falling down. That metal endoskeleton is clearly heavy. Roman tries to shake some sort of cramp out of his arm and decides the best approach is to whack it down on the big guy as he's getting up. Then he helps him up before dishing out a savage headbutt. The Undertaker rolls out of the ring and walks away, a little dazed.

Roman comes out to play and gets a surprise punch in the jaw. As he staggers away, the Undertaker gives him a guiding hand and then a headbutt of his own. For a moment, both men are simply milling about like zombies, and then the Undertaker picks up his opponent, legs kicking, ready to throw him back into the ring. But Roman slips down behind him and shoves him into the post!

Both men wander dazed for another moment, which seems to happen a lot in this match. A few blows are exchanged, and then they both need a moment to get their breath back. I can see why the Undertaker may be struggling but surely Roman's not that old?

Roman surges back to life with a flying kick into his opponent's face. He picks the big guy up, throws him back into the ring and climbs back in himself. As the Undertaker sags against the corner post, Roman aims a series of punches and kicks.

Unlike some of our earlier brawls, this match is almost gentlemanly - Roman lets the Undertaker stagger to his feet, then the two men take turns punching each other in the face. Eventually the Undertaker gets a second shot in, then throws Roman into the ropes - but the young man grabs hold rather than rebounding. He kicks out, hitting the Undertaker in the face, who stands there with an expression that says "oh no girl, you didn't just do that."

The two men stare at each other for several long seconds. Then the Undertaker slaps his opponent in the face, throws him into the post, punches him, headbutts him and then slings him into the opposite corner. He charges into Roman, who sags helplessly. Then Roman gets lifted up, thrown chest first into the ropes and taken down with a flying kick. Then the Undertaker decides to sit on his face - hard. Pinned to the mat, surely it's all over for this young whippersnapper?

But no. Roman throws a desperate arm up - it doesn't connect, but it makes the Undertaker get off. The big guy waits, and Roman slowly gets up, rolls out of the ring and walks away. The Undertaker follows. Roman yells as he makes a flying charge - but the Undertaker swats him out of mid air with one mighty right hook. Roman is prone on the edge of the ring. Again.

As Roman slowly recovers, the Undertaker politely asks the commentary team to get up. He quickly clears the table of its miscellaneous electronics. As Roman gets to his feet, the Undertaker gives him a swift punch to the face and then drags him over by the hair. SMACK! Head first into the table. WHACK! Another headbutt. Give up already, Roman.

But he won't. He gives another battlecry, then lets fly another flying kick. Both men go sprawling - the Undertaker on the floor, Roman spreadeagled on the commentary box.

Both men struggle to get up. Roman goes for another flying kick but the Undertaker once again snatches him out of midair. He lifts him up and SMASH! Roman ends up on (or maybe in) another table. He struggles up and rolls onto the floor.

There's still a third commentary table unmolested. The Undertaker starts clearing it in readiness.

The Undertaker climbs onto the middle table, Roman pulling himself painfully up with its support. The Uglytaker (dude, that face should never try to smile) does a little showboating to the crowd.

What happens next is almost too fast to see. Roman charges forward and flips both of them back into the newly cleared table. Now it's in pieces and I can't guarantee the two men aren't as well.

Both wrestlers are panting furiously amongst the wreckage. The referee checks on Roman - he's still moving, but that isn't saying much. The Undertaker is barely moving at all. Roman struggles back to the ring while the big guy sleeps.

The crowd boos. This is not what they wanted to see. But the boos turn to cheers as the Undertaker suddenly sits up. It's not over yet. But as he climbs slowly back into the ring, Roman is waiting with a helping foot. Kick! Stomp! Knee in the face! Knee in the face! You should have stayed down, Underweartaker! Stomp! Kick!

The Undertaker rises up to a sitting position. Roman tries punching him in the face but keeps missing, hitting him with his armpit instead of his fist (arguably worse). Mr U just sits there and takes it, leaving Roman out of breath and his opponent looking up with weary bafflement - "what was that all about?"

Okay, thinks Roman. Time for plan B. He climbs up the ropes, over his unmoving opponent, who simply watches with detached amusement. He doesn't even complain at getting a face full of sweaty man crotch, never mind the punches on the top of his head.

Roman is getting tired, doing all the work. After countless blows to the Undertaker's head and still no reaction, Roman yells something at the guy that I can't make out. Suddenly, the Undertaker's arms shoot up and grab Roman's buttocks. It looks like he really likes that crotch in the face after all. Or maybe not, as he staggers into the ring and drops Roman like a sack of cement. The Undertaker falls on top of him, pinning him down while the referee counts.

Roman shoots an arm up. He's not done yet. The Undertaker rises from the floor, aiming a savage punch at Roman's arm before he wanders out of the ring. He's not going far - just to pick up a steel folding chair from the devastated commentary area. Back to the ring he goes, putting the chair down while he climbs into the ropes - just long enough for Roman to make a grab for it. But the Undertaker is having none of that and stomps down. Roman falls back.

The weary Undertaker picks up the chair. He slowly hobbles towards the crawling Roman, adjusts his grip on the chair and jabs the edge of it down upon the younger man's back. WHAM! There's a moment of calm as Roman pulls himself back onto his hands and knees, and then WHAM! The flat of the chair smacks into his back.

"Get up," says the Undertaker. Roman looks up, wondering whether it's worth the effort, and gets another chair in the back for trying. No, it wasn't worth the effort. The "sadistic and cruel" Undertaker (who so far has been a perfect gentleman, chair aside) waits patiently for Roman to move again.

This time, as Roman returns to all fours, he discards the chair. He raises a single hand as if to say "wait for it..." but what "it" is we will never know. As if knowing something is coming, Roman changes tactics and rolls aside, under the ropes and out of the ring. That's one way to get back onto your feet.

The Undertaker follows him out, but then immediately climbs back in as Roman reverses direction. Suddenly, FLYING PUNCH! Blimey, Roman, where did that come from? The two men stagger drunkenly about for a moment, and then Roman tries another flying punch. This one is less impressive but enough to send the big guy into the ropes. But a third time? Bad idea. There's a nasty crunching sound as the Undertaker grabs Roman's throat in midair. The younger man is lifted up, then thrown down onto his back. Right on top of the steel chair.

The Undertaker pins him down. The referee counts. Surely this is it now for Roman? But no - he motions once again that he's not done yet. The Undertaker makes a face to the camera that seems to ask the same question - how much longer can this go on?

The Undertaker stands. Roman sprawls. The big guy motions to the crowd - is he planning some special finishing move? He kicks the chair gently aside, then helps Roman to his feet (by the hair... well, it's the thought that counts). He picks him up, spins him round on his shoulder and then drops him down into... well, it's a position I've only adopted with some very special friends, and we were normally lying down at the time. Honestly, there's more crotch eating in this match than some porn films.

Suddenly, DROP! Roman's head bounces off the mat. I think they called this one "piledriver" and I can see why. The Undertaker plays to his name, laying out the prone body like an Egyptian pharaoh, but a few more seconds of that crotch in Roman's face are enough to bring him around. He jerks violently to one side, and the Undertaker rolls off, a look of dazed confusion on his face. "But... he dead!"

The two men pause for breath, one sitting and the other a gulping fish flat on his back. Several seconds pass before either has the strength to move.

The Undertaker rises, adjusts his trousers and picks Roman back up - this takes a couple of attempts. Roman doesn't resist as the Undertaker lifts him onto his mighty shoulder, but it's a lift too far - Roman slips down behind him, lifts the big guy instead and gently drops him onto the mat. The Undertaker tries to reverse it, but fails. After several seconds of random grappling, Roman lets him go, and then floors him with a flying punch. He likes those.

Roman attempts a pin by the unconventional method of falling on top of the big guy and hoping he doesn't get up. It doesn't work. Mr U shoves him away, and the two men gasp for breath again. Honestly, they seem to have spent half this insanely long match resting between blows. Roman struggles up into the corner. The Undertaker crawls slowly to his feet. Several more seconds pass.

Suddenly, Roman throws his arms up in a show of strength and LEAPS for the other man. Both go sprawling. Exhausted, Roman crawls over to the big guy for another pin - but the Undertaker grabs his hands, wrapping his mighty legs around the younger guy's neck. The two men cry out in agony, neither willing to give up, the Undertaker trying to dislocate Roman's left arm and Roman trying not to breathe any more crotch fumes.

They roll around. Then Roman puts a foot on the bottom rope, and this is apparently enough to get the referee to break the hold. We've seen this before with Umaga and Lashley - I guess it really is a rule, though I'd love to know what it's about.

In any event, we have several more seconds of both men crawling painfully across the ring. The Undertaker grabs for the chair - but Roman beats him to it, his mighty foot pinning the chair to the floor. The Undertaker looks up. Roman picks up the chair. WHACK! The Undertaker takes a chair to the back. SMACK! The edge of the chair slams into the big guy's side. "My turn now, bitch!" CRASH! Another broadside on the back. THUD! The edge of the chair punches into his stomach. Roman's had enough now. He's got the chair and he's enraged.

The Undertaker struggles to get up. The chair comes down again and again. Roman goes for a rest in the corner. The Undertaker pulls himself back up with the aid of the ropes. Roman sighs. Here we go again. A flying charge, a body hitting the mat, another attempt to pin. And still the battle goes on.

The Undertaker struggles back up. Roman roars, charges, pins... and the Undertaker STILL gets up. Is there any way to stop a dead man?

Roman walks away, thinking. Another charge, half flying punch and half body slam. No pin this time - not much point - but the Undertaker can't even sit up now. Roman walks slowly closer, watching and waiting. The big guy crawls over, on his knees, and the two men exchange unheard words.

Roman bounces off the ropes, aims a punch, lands a second, throws a third. Then he bounces, bounces, bounces off the ropes while the Undertaker stands dazed and helpless. WHAM! He charges into the big guy. He's down. He's pinned. And finally, FINALLY, Roman has won.

Roman climbs out of the ring, a slow victory hobble out of the arena. The Undertaker lies broken on the ring. Fireworks erupt over the arena (this is the first I've noticed that we're outside).

The Undertaker twitches, and slowly sits up. The graveyard music stirs up again as, back in his coat and hat, the big guy bids farewell to the crowd. Roman may have the victory, but the Undertaker remains the fan favourite.

He removes his gloves, placing them on the ring. He removes his coat, carefully folds it, then places it upon the gloves. The seconds tick by. Then the trademark hat too comes off, placed upon the coat. The Undertaker walks away, greeting his fans as he slowly walks away, leaving his image behind. The smoke billows, and the Undertaker sinks back into the earth from whence he came.

Damn, that dude has style.

Summary: That took forever. The Undertaker is basically the Terminator - emotionless, relentless, impossible to kill, and with an iconic look that commands awe and respect. Roman Reigns may have won the match, but the Undertaker will never be defeated for long.

---

Nick is a 5'11" homo sapiens who never watched wrestling before in his life before embarking on the project.

Born at an early age, he is currently finishing off a PhD in linguistics and has never referred to himself in the third person. He doesn't intend to start now.

---

Sometimes, things happen that make you realise how far we’ve all come. In the short time I’ve been reviewing wrestling, I’ve seen matches stretching back to the late 80s, to 90s, to 00s, to this very year. While the essence remains the same, the trappings change and evolve to meet the trends of today.

This year’s WrestleMania was presented by three shouty men in blue blazers with haircuts like characters from Yu-Gi-Oh. “The New Day” (odd since there are three of them, shouldn’t it be “half a week”?) are in a suspiciously good mood. We have an announcement to make, exclaims Yugi: this year’s tournament has a record-breaking attendance of 75,245, expounds Dreadlocks. Thank you and you all rock, adds Crewcut.

Dance break!

An unusually subdued video greets us in the buildup to our next bout; it seems that there is a chap called the Undertaker, who is wrestling’s “greatest entertainer”. I wonder why that is, maybe he does puppet shows for children? Nah, probably not - most of this video consists of Undies (as I’ve affectionately decided to call him) digging a grave in sepia tones with enough melodrama for an entire season of Hollyoaks. This is all because a chap with spiky sleeves called Roman Reigns (nice name, wonder if he did Latin at school?) flattened Undies in a rumble. Resplendent in his big hat and proclivity for fog machines, Undies will not take that lying down!

Our old chum Jim Ross - he of the amazing hat - has come over to do some commentary; his well-dressed chum Michael informs us that poor Jim has had a rough couple of weeks. 

Roman Reigns enters (to boos) with the words “ROMAN EMPIRE” projected behind him. (It should be IMPERIUM ROMANUM if they want to be authentic.) Punching the floor to trigger off some pyrotechnics and then prowling slowly down the catwalk like a supermodel, Roman is wearing a fetching black gauntlet/black booties combo, as well as black trousers and a black vest with Spider-Man logo and lots of straps across it (to keep his girdle in place?). He also has a sleeve up only one arm, curiously; maybe he burned himself while doing the ironing? Whatever the case, some random lass lets us know that Roman is 265 pounds and from Pensacola, Florida; moreover, this match has no countdown or disqualification, only “submission or pinfall”. Her subsequent claim that “this match favours the dead man” makes me wonder whether necromancy will be involved somewhere along the way.

But then the lights dim! Twelve tolls from a bell (as a real-life campanologist, I’d estimate from the tone that it’s a similar size to the tenor from Blackburn Cathedral), a puff of smoke and LO! The Undies has arrived. The crowd goes wild as Undies twangs his way ever-so-slowly to the ring, wearing an enormous hat and a coat with weird bumps up the back, like a baby Stegosaurus. He’s been at this 25 years, the commentary informs us; he’s certainly taking his sweet time, the bell tolls eight more times in the time it takes for him to mooch his way over. The camera zooms in longingly and we see Undies facing the corner post of the ring, rolling his eyes like a teenage girl sitting on a washing machine. He takes off his coat and hat, showing us his leather trouser/black vest outfit. “What is Roman Reigns thinking right now?” wails the commentator. Going off his facial expression, Roman looks bored off his arse.

DING-DING-DING! After a couple of punches, Undies throws Roman out of the ring: “My yard.” Incensed, Roman leaps back in and throws a punch… misses by a mile, then gets thrown out again. “Still my yard.” Now even more incensed, Roman skulks around the ring like a shark; he pounces up and manages to throw Undies out of the ring, only for the latter to land upright and drag the Latin lad out with him. “Eheu”, he thinks in Latin. (“Oh no.")

After administering a headbutt and throwing Roman into some steps, Undies gently puts his opponent back into the ring and punches him some more, only for Mr Reigns to flip the Undies over! Both chaps look tired already; Roman has a sore wrist, so and kicks his opponent and delivers a Glasgow kiss, declaring “Belligero!” (“I am waging war!”)

Undies rolls out of the ring with his adversary in hot pursuit; Roman follows him and gets a smack in the gob for his trouble. Undies puts Roman in a fireman’s lift (the latter even kicks his little legs like Olive Oyl), but Roman slips down and shoves his foe into the corner post! They both seem winded. The crowd screams “Euge!” (“Hooray!”).

One flying kick - a “toxic kick”, according to the commentator - from Roman later, the plucky Floridan nods like Mr Miyagi, then shoves his foe back into the ring. Taking turns in smacking each other, the pair are acting very strangely: Undies crouches like he needs to take a dump so Roman gives him another kick. PADDINGTON BEAR GAVE HIS HARDEST STARE… No, it’s just Undies in a mood; he does a Super Mario-style ground-pound on Roman’s bonce! Ref counts ONE, TWO… “Minime!” (“No!”) cries Roman, before rolling out of the ring again. A lot of this slinking in and out of the ring, I notice.

Undies follows him out and motions to the commentators to get out of the way, then he upsets their TV monitors… Collectively the crowd asks “Cur?” (“Why?”) Then we all see the reason: Undies whacks Roman’s head against the announcer’s table, then drags him up onto the table with him to pose. One confusing edit and explanatory replay later, it turns out that Roman launched into Undies and sent them both crashing through the Spanish announcers’ table, doing them both a mischief. “Omnes paucis annis prosedae erunt,” sigh the viewers. (“In a few years, they will all be prostitutes.”)

Undies is lying very still. Worryingly still, in fact. Nursing a sore shoulder, Roman limps up into the ring to boos, asking the motionless brawler “Whose yard is it now, Taker?” These magic words make Undies sit up with a start! “Coleus!” (“Bollocks!”), Undies thinks to himself as he tries to roll back in (to be bounced away by a knee from Roman); following a punch on the head from his enemy, Undies is next told “MY yard!” So undies garbs him down and the countdown goes ONE, TWO— Nope, still not out. “Quagis?” (“What's up?”) asks the crowd.

Nipping down for a chair, Undies leaps back into the ring and administers three blows to Roman’s spine with it; Roman responds with a “superman punch” (so I’m told), leading to another countdown: ONE, TWO— Nope, Undies still isn’t put. Undies does a piledriver into Roman, before putting him into a hold the commentator calls a “tombstone”. (I think it looks more like a squirrel hugging a twig than anything else.) Yet another countdown, ONE, TWO— NOPE. Still not done. Another lift, another Superman punch, another countdown, ONE, TWO— NOPE!! Seriously, this has more false endings than Lord of the Rings. more exchanges of blows, by fist and chair, before the commentator claims that Undies is “the phenom” and that he knows the Undertaker better than anyone. To that revelation, I say “Narratio resumetur…” (“To be continued…”)

A Hulk-style roar from Roman is followed by a “spear” (so I’m told) into Undies’s sternum, grabs his leg, ONE, TWO— BLOODY NOPE! Roman suddenly seems to have an existential crisis, staring off into space as “The Sound of Silence” plays on a loop in his head. But not for long - Roman punches the ground again and administers another Superman punch, after which Undies tries to sit up, only to fall on his side, like a four-month-old learning to walk. He’s clearly knackered. Trying to pull himself up seemingly by Roman’s groin (ew), Undies seems to say “you don’t have the balls”. WELL, YOU DIDN’T NEED TO PULL YOURSELF UP BY HIS GENITALS TO FIND THAT OUT! Either way, the crowd goes “OOOOOOOH!” like a bunch of schoolgirls on a sleepover; not one to have his manly bits dismissed, Roman gives his foe a couple of slaps, bounces off some ropes and crashes into him. A quick grab of Undies’s leg, ONE, TWO, THREE—and it’s all over!

Undies is having a long nap, he’s earned it; the commentators call this the “best win” of Roman Reigns’s career. Not that anyone’s cheering; Roman just walks out, not seeming too bothered either way. Well, I at least would like to say to all involved: “Vobis plurimas gratias ago!” (“Thank you very much!”)

FINAL SCORE: 4/10

Elapsam semel occasionem non ipse potest Iuppiter reprehendere.

--- 

I hope you've enjoyed this month's trek into the mind of the non-wrestling fan. We'll see you next time for a Christmas special...

Next time - John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio in a Miracle on 34th Street Fight from RAW #1022 (Aired Christmas Eve 2012)

Article by Andrew Williams (@adw_author) & Nicholas Peat (@NPChilla)