The Non-Fan Review // Kane vs. The Big Show vs. Raven from WrestleMania X-7

Before we go any further, may I make a small confession?

I absolutely HATE The Lord of the Rings. The books, films, all of it - I’ve always found the thing a slow, self-indulgent plod-athon with occasional bits of violence to tickle up the tedium: a potentially good story dreadfully told.

What could any of this possibly have to do with the Hardcore Championship Match from April 2001, I hear you ask (not unreasonably)? A good question with a surprisingly simple answer: this match is the same as Tolkien’s acclaimed Catholicism metaphor, in that it’s mostly walking at a leisurely pace with the odd smack here and there. Allow me to explain:

A weird echoey remix track of carrion birds plays out loud. “CAW CAW CAW CAW,” sing the raptors, as out strolls current Hardcore Champion Raven. Sadly not the Teen Titan of the same name, this fellow is adorning a white t-shirt, odd facial hair and Fonzie jacket; he pushes a shopping trolley full of wacky props to the ring, as an advert pops up for "WWF The Music, Vol 5”, featuring “What about me?” by Raven. Odd first impression for a 225 pound wrestler to make, having a song with a title that sounds like it was written by a whining 13-year-old girl?

But now for the challengers: pyrotechnics galore as a giant strides out, with girly black hair, flaming red tank top/leggings and a red/black mask like a Power Rangers villain. He also has a glove only on his right hand, maybe he burned it while making muffins? But whatever the case, he is KANE! The commentator starts gibbering incoherently about this 6 foot 10, 326 pound behemoth: “Kane scares the hell out of me and I am a fearless man.”…Isn’t that a bit like saying “he’s the best singer I’ve ever heard and I’m deaf”? Meh, who knows - Raven hits Kane with a wet floor sign just before the DING DING DING can sound, only to be thrown into the corner by the Brobdingnagian.

“WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL,” goes the music. Lulu? If only. The music goes all Killer Instinct as our third and final combatant makes his way out: it’s the 500 pound leviathan known as the Big Show! In his black leotard and extremely neat beard, he has inspired the commentator to start singing the Danger Mouse theme: "He’s invincible! He’s invulnerable! Quite possibly, he’s impervious to pain!” Whatever this commentator’s taking, I want some.

As Biggy (as I’ve affectionately decided to call him) struts his way to the ring, Kane chucks Raven at him; Biggy catches the Lilliputian and shoves his face into his armpit. Quite understandably, this makes Raven thrash about like he’s dying; he is saved by Kane leaping off the ropes onto Biggy! Raven dashes over and grabs Biggy’s enormous fetlock - ONE, TWO… But Kane kicks him away! Whose side is this giant in a gimp mask on??

Kane punches Raven over the soft foam barricade (just like on ITV’s Gladiators), only for them both to run through the crowd, followed by the tiny ref. As they get halfway to the gate through which they all entered, Kane puts Raven into a fireman’s lift, only for Biggy to appear out of nowhere like Hong Kong Phooey and kick the masked meddler in the chest, causing him to drop his mini-foe. Fans mug to the camera as the two massive fighters plus referee make their way to the gate; bizarrely, just as Kane catches up and grabs Biggy’s bonce, the camera cuts to the outside of the crowd. WHY? What is the point of that?

Back to the action and it looks like we’ve missed nothing, they’re STILL slowly making their way over to the gate, only to turn right away from the gate and towards the camera from before, still outside the crowd. Biggy hits Kane in the head, then they walk a bit more. This is a VERY odd thing to witness; again, the camera cuts away just as it looks like something interesting is about to happen. Whoever directed this needs to be taken off whatever he’s currently taking and given whatever the commentator is using.

Kane throws Biggy into a wall, then simply wanders off… It’s as if these wrestlers are bored of fighting and just want to walk about. However, Kane walks straight into Raven, who hits him in the head with a sign! I wondered when his wacky props from earlier would make an appearance. #ThatsSoRaven

Not approving of signs, Kane smacks the prop away and throws his enemy into a wall, ACTUALLY DENTING THE WALL IN THE PROCESS. Surely that’s going cost a bomb to fix, since they’re only renting this stadium?

Before Kane can hit the little birdy again, Biggy once more appears from the shadows like Darkwing Duck and picks up the masked madman, dropping him into a nearby stack of wood.

This leaves Raven to try to limp away from the slow, relentless Biggy. It’s exactly like the end of the first Terminator film; Raven even has Linda Hamilton’s girly hair.

Raven stagily falls down, allowing Biggy to throw him AND the ref into an enclosure and lock the camera out! A slight 50 Shades vibe coming off this part of the match, as gradually this chainlink enclosure prices to be better stocked than your average B&Q.

Very impressively, Kane tears the locked door off, just as Biggy drops a set of shelves onto Raven; as Kane starts hitting Biggy’s enormous head with a fragile block of wood, Raven proves to be supremely ungrateful by wrapping a bit of hose around Kane's neck. “Last I time I help you out, dwarfy,” Kane probably thinks. The mask is too tight for him to do anything more than hum a bit. 

Kane slams Raven into a chainlink fence, then uses the same bit of hose to throw the little ingrate through a window into what looks like a security room! I strangely find this satisfying. Perhaps I’m more evil than I realised.

SURPRISE BIG SHOW KICK! Yep, it’s uncanny how he keeps doing it but he’s managed it yet again, this time literally kicking Kane through a door into a room. Drunk off his amazing ninja kick powers, Biggy takes to opportunity to indulge in Brian Blessed-style enunciation as he picks up kane by the neck: “YA WANNA PLAY? WELL SCREW YOU. I’M GONNA… WRITHING ON THE FLOOR, AAAAAH.” Laurence Olivier, eat your heart out. But NO! Kane has graced Biggy by the neck, causing him to gurn like Sylvester McCoy mid-ferret. They slam each other THROUGH A WALL and end up writhing on the floor; they’re going to need Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen at this rate, they’re making such a mess of the architecture!

And that it happens. As the two Brobdingnagians are rolling on the ground, Raven calmly walks through the door behind them, tips a table on top of Big Show, gives him a couple of kicks for good measure and then toddles off.

This fight is basically Godzilla vs Godzilla with the occasional input of Godzooky, when you stop and think about it.

The chase continues as Raven assaults a perfectly innocent security man and steals his golf cart. Somehow able to catch up to a vehicle moving slower than K9, Biggy gets Tweetie in a headlock, causing him to crash the thing ever-so-slowly into a chainlink wall. Bullitt, this is not.

As the pair once more grapple, Kane and the ref get into another golf cart to drive the 30 yards or so to the brawl. Actually, come to think of it - WHERE IN THE NAME OF WICKET THE EWOK HAS THE REFEREE BEEN ALL THIS TIME? More to the point, why doesn’t he do anything when Kane runs near Raven, which somehow makes his leg hurt?

Time for more traipsing about the place as our plucky trio takes turns to punch each other, throw each other into snack tables and chuck wheelie bins at each other. Then the trio climb a ladder, followed by the referee who has somehow picked up a championship belt— SERIOUSLY, IS THIS MAN ONE OF THE ANIMANIACS? HE JUST APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE AND BRINGS CONVENIENT PROPS OUT OF THIN AIR!

Out they pop from the ladder and they’re back in the arena, having done one giant loop of the place. Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this tour of a random stadium in Houston as much as I did. More, if that’s possible.

A Glasgow kiss from Biggy knocks Raven down and he lifts the little man over his neatly barbered head. Seizing his chance, Kane kicks the Big Show’s big kidney, causing both of this adversaries to tumble into the the scenery new to the podium! The perfect finishing move from Kane as he jumps off and ground-pounds them both, just like in Super Mario Sunshine!

(On a side note, that is a BLOODY BRILLIANT GAME. It doesn’t get nearly as much attention as it should do.)

Our referee appears on the side of the scenery - he’s also teleportation - and counts ONE, TWO, THREE - Kane is the winner!

So, what have we learned from this experience?

First of all, it’s possible to have a wrestling match without a ring. Moreover, walking around and occasionally hitting each other makes for surprisingly poor television. But at least we can say it’s been tried once.

FINAL SCORE: 2/10

Short people got, no reason...

Next time for Nicholas // 

Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy in THE FINAL DELETION

Written by Nicholas Peat //

@NPChilla

The Best of Times, The Worst of Times // Survivor Series

Consider this dear reader: Survivor Series- the second major PPV concept created by Vince McMahon- has been a thing for 30 years now. It’s so old it should by this stage of its existence have a career, be in a long term relationship and at least be thinking about kids. Basically, Survivor Series is a full-blown grown-up, wrestling with the realities of adult life, ready to put a misspent youth behind it. But let’s not consign said youth to the dungeons of the past just yet: its formative years offered much to celebrate as well as some seedy and unfortunate nights it would probably rather forget. So here it is: the best and the worst of Survivor Series. But rather than starting with the matches, let us begin with something for which this event is synonymous: debut performances.

Best debut: The Undertaker (1990)

As was aforementioned, the Survivor Series is an event renowned for a big debut: The Rock, Kurt Angle, Sting and eh, Steve Blackman but none was bigger than that of the Deadman himself. Accompanied by Brother Love and serving as the surprise member of the Million Dollar Team, he made an instant impact, eliminating Hall of Famers Koko B. Ware and Dusty Rhodes before exiting the match himself via count out. In many respects this was the perfect setting to bring in the Undertaker: alongside colourful acts such as The Honky Tonk Man and Messers Ware and Rhodes, his direct, calculated ring style and fearsome look was greatly enhanced and his status as the antidote to the cute, cuddly characters of the era was confirmed. Yes, he was cartoony but in his own distinct manner. This was no Adam West; this was 1980s Frank Miller Batman: cool, cold, iconic.

Honourable mention: Sting (2014)

Worst debut: Chuck Norris (1994)

Okay, I’m cheating a bit here but let’s go with it. Technically his role as ringside enforcer in the Undertaker vs Yozozuna Casket match was a debut for Chuck Norris in the WWF so it kind of counts. Now, Chuck Norris wasn’t as cool in 1994 as he is now: these were the days of the long forgotten Walker, Texas Ranger; there had yet to be any Chuck Norris facts; he hadn’t yet been immortalised in Dodgeball. However, he was still enough of a straight to video action movie badass that I expected high drama of the violent variety. Surely he would kick someone’s face off, maybe fire a bazooka at the casket? Sadly no: while Double J did eat a kick from Norris, his face remained intact. And while Norris was distracted at ringside, IRS interfered in the match anyway. Poor show, Mr Norris, poor show.

Honourable mention: The Gobbledy Gooker (1990)

Best traditional elimination match: Team Eric Bischoff vs Team Steve Austin (2003)

10 men competed here: Randy Orton, Chris Jericho, Christian, Scott Steiner and Mark Henry representing GM Bischoff and Shawn Michaels, The Dudleys, RVD and Booker T fighting for Sheriff Austin (that’s right, he was a sheriff back then). However, whilst all worked hard, this was ultimately a one man show: The Heartbreak Kid delivered a GOAT worthy performance, selling to a level seldom seen today, masterfully teasing comebacks that built the audience’s expectations before finally succumbing to the rising star Orton. I recommend that you fire up your Network if you haven’t seen this for a few years: an undoubted classic.

Honourable mention: Team Cena vs Team Authority (2014)

Worst traditional elimination match: The Royal Family vs Clowns R Us (1994)

When I started to love wrestling, I was already an 11 year old. Essentially, I was getting into WWF at the point most of my friends were starting to outgrow it. That fact didn’t bother me but I was determined to get my dad to accept wrestling as a credible pastime; this was an uphill battle. He didn’t see it as a sport: more of a pantomime. 

On one family jaunt to Blackpool, seeking a respite from the lights and sugar charged children, he slipped into a pub one afternoon. Knowing full well that WWF Wrestling Challenge would be on Sky Sports at that exact time, I asked him to check a result for me (a title match between Bret vs Owen if memory serves). What he reported when he returned from the pub was not the result of a Hart family athletic showcase that fostered an undying love of the graps game: now, he told a tale of three little clowns running around and falling over in the ring while a big clown squirted water in the face of a hapless interviewer. I could hear the disgust in his voice. With this Doink the Clown monstrosity, I had lost him forever.

A couple of weeks later, this angle culminated in a match in San Antonio, Texas. Doink and Jerry Lawler did some bad wrestling and then 6 little people did some even worse wrestling. Forget my dad, this abomination nearly put me off wrestling for life.

Honourable mention: The Four Doinks vs Bam Bam Bigelow. Bastion Booger and the Headshrinkers.

Best non-elimination match: Bret Hart vs Diesel for the WWF championship (1995)

Legend has it that Bret Hart was frustrated that this match didn’t get the credit it deserved: from Vince McMahon, from Dave Meltzer, from everyone really. It is one of only two great matches Kevin Nash would enjoy in the WWF/E and credit must go to the Hit-Man here: from his (at the time) innovative commentary table bump to the ingenious finish- playing possum to hit an inside cradle- this match had the audience leaping out of their seats in astonishment. This praise may be a bit late for Bret but better late than never: this was WWF story-telling at its finest and a slice of action worthy of inclusion on a greatest hits list.

Honourable mention: Undertaker vs Batista for the World Title in Hell in a Cell (2007)

Worst non-elimination match: Randy Orton vs Big Show for the WWF championship (2013)

I honestly don’t know why they bothered with this match. The build-up was more focused on Big Show’s interactions with Hunter and Steph, undermining Orton in front of a crowd already pining for Daniel Bryan. Inevitably the Universe got bored and turned on the contest; usually, that annoys me but given this listless action, it was kind of understandable.  Orton, as he sometimes does with vocal crowds, got flustered, Show lacked the baby face chops to steady the ship and the sloppy finish capped this mess off fittingly. A boring match to end a dull feud on a painfully average PPV: this was WWE story telling at its worst.

Honourable mention: Big Boss Man vs Nailz (1992)

Best overall event: Survivor Series 1995

I debated this one intensely and my final pick may well split the room but I really love Survivor Series 1995. I’ve already laid bare my love of the main event but the show has a bit of everything: it has decent work rate, most notably in the opening exchanges between 1-2-3 Kid and Marty Jannetty and Hakushi; it has Japanese women’s wrestling playing to the sounds of a highly confused Vince McMahon; it has the Wild Card match in which faces and heels team together (a novel concept for the era);and it has a first rate Bill Clinton impersonator who gets the line of the night (after Bill is made to jump by some pyro, Todd Pettengill comments he seems nervy: Clinton shoots back “you would too if you lived in my neighbourhood”). Possibly my favourite thing about this show is also the worst match on the card: to tussle with King Mabel’s hodgepodge of royalty themed heels, Undertaker forms the weirdest Survivor Series team of all time: Henry Godwinn, Savio Vega, Fatu. Mark Callaway basically rounded up his drinking buddies (brilliantly named the Bone Street Krew) and went to war as the most diverse collection of gimmicks ever assembled in one squad. And they won with a clean sweep. I bet the beers tasted good that night.   

Honourable mentions: Survivor Series 1988/ Survivor Series 2002

Worst overall event: Survivor Series 1999

An oft-forgotten truth of the Attitude era is that while the weekly TV shows were excellent, the PPVs could really suck. And this one sucked something powerful. It is best remembered for two things (and when one of the Survivor Series teams was British Bulldog and the Mean Street Posse you can be forgiven for wanting to forget the remainder). The first, is the debut of Kurt Angle who wrestled a match that was, by design, dull. His initial gimmick was to bore the crowd through a combo of technical wrestling and morality (never of which were too common in late 90s WWF) and whilst his evolution was swift and exciting, some of his early weeks were trying, most notably this one. That, however, was not the low point of the show. That dubious distinction belonged to an ill-judged angle, an unadvertised main event and a hot-shot title change.  

The hit and run on Stone Cold was poor on first viewing: it took the industry’s biggest star out of a heavily hyped match up and in did so in a rather lacklustre fashion: we’d all seen Austin get into mischief with cars dozens of times by this point so it lost points for imagination. On second viewing, with the knowledge that the driver was Rikishi, working on instruction from Triple H, well, let’s just say I was glad I’d given up on trying getting my old man into this. To confound matters further, the Fed injected a lukewarm Big Show into the mix and ended up putting the title on him: his win, on the back of a bizarre storyline about his dead father, was supposedly meant to be a joyous moment: the subdued pop that followed the pin spoke to an audience that had come to see Austin and were left with a teary giant.

Honourable mentions: Survivor Series 1993/ Survivor Series 2013

Article by Sean Taylor-Richardson (@GrownManCenaFan)

PG Tips #1 - Edge apologises to Vickie Guerrero and a Fatal Four-Way for an ECW Championship shot (22-25/07/08)

On 22nd July 2008, WWE's television output went from being rated TV14 to TVPG. 

This series plans to take a week by week look at how the RAW, SmackDown and ECW on Sci-Fi developed under this new rating, as well as the quality of the PPVs. The era hasn't been particularly romanticised, especially by the older generation of fans, but considering that those who were ten years old when WWE turned PG are now old enough to be attending University, it's certainly time to look back and re-evaluate just how good or bad for WWE the shift was in terms of quality. 

This week's edition see's us feature a Fatal Fourway for a shot at the ECW title at SummerSlam and Edge attempt at an apology to Vickie Guerrero following his affair with their wedding planner, Alicia Fox! 

We join the Universe just a few days after the last TV-14 PPV, The Great American Bash 2008/ Just to lend some context, here's the results from that PPV.

This week's trip to the "Land of Extreme" brings us a main event of The Miz, John Morrison, Matt Hardy and Finlay battling it out for a shot at Mark Henry's ECW title, which whilst sounding like an interesting match, makes little sense considering all four men lost on the PPV...but was the show any good?

Mark Henry received a new ECW Championship belt in Philadelphia 

An eventful opening segment to begin the show, as we get a new ECW title belt, a promo from Tony Atlas and Colin Delaney (who Atlas calls "Collars Delaney" for reasons) explaining his heel turn from two days earlier. It's not a good segment by any stretch of the imagination, but there was something persevely entertaining about watching Teddy Long and Atlas stumble through their awkwardly worded promos. Considering the show is in Philadelphia, the home of the original ECW, Atlas gets very little heat for mentioning that fact and then telling the crowd "for all of you all, who tired to hold onto yester year, you're going to get squash". I would've expected the comparisons between the two ECW brands to met with at least some kind of derision, but this crowd is almost completely apathetic towards Atlas and his charge Mark Henry. Perhaps by after two years of WWE's version of ECW the crowd had gone past the point of caring that it bore zero resemblance to the rebellious company that Paul Heyman used to run. However, they do come alive once Colin Delaney starts burying Tommy Dreamer, eating up Delaney's burial, before Long gets a nice pop from announcing we're getting Dreamer v Delaney next! 

• Tommy Dreamer def. Colin Delaney. An almost complete squash match for Dreamer here as he gets his revenge on Delaney with a flurry of offence, before picking up the victory with a Dreamer DDT. 

• Backstage - The Miz and John Morrison are upset about dropping the WWE Tag Team Championships two nights earlier, but both put each other and their clothing over, before shaking hands and wishing each other luck in the main event. 

• Promo - Actress Jenny McCarthy will be at Saturday Night's Main Event on August 2nd, to promote the organisation, Generation Rescue. This was an organisation that advocated that autism was caused by vaccinations, which is total utter trash and should never have been promoted on WWE's television product or anywhere else. 

• Evan Bourne def. James Curtis [KC James]. Bourne looks pretty good here, even if extended squashes for high-flying babyfaces don't really work all too well, we did get to see Bourne landing on his feet out of a snapmare early doors, as well as a rana out of a pop-up from Curtis, before a shooting star press got the three count. Bourne was then able to dodge a post-match attack from Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neeley, who had been on commentary. 

• Backstage - A weird backstage segment where Assistant General Manager Tiffany [Taryn Terrell] told Ricky Ortiz about her education, before Teddy Long placed Ortiz in a match next week after Ortiz had claimed her was undefeated after just one match on the brand. 

Matt Hardy def. The Miz, Finlay and John Morrison to earn an ECW Championship match

Despite a shaky start and some terrible commentary from Mike Adamle, this ended up being a more than competent television main event. The opening played up the partnership between The Miz and Morrison, but lacked any notable action as we got the four repeatedly splitting off into pairs and not a whole lot else. The action in the first third was dull and slow and despite all four men being in the ring for an extended period of time, not much actually happened. However, once the action spills to the outside things begin to pick up, as Morrison and Finlay brawl on the outside, before Miz & Morrison are able to hitting their catapult into a forearm smash and then elbow drop/backbreaker combination using the barricade on the Irish man. After this things are much better, with Miz and Morrison trying for victories on Hardy, whilst trying to outwit each other at the same time, before we get a couple of sequences with all four men involved that are particularly well-done. The finish is a frenzied affair with Finlay nailing Miz with a Shillelagh, before getting knocked to the outside himself with a roundhouse kick from Morrison, leading into Morrison springboarding into a Twist of Fate from Hardy to take us home. Despite the early awkwardness and the lack of any convincing near falls, the last five or six minutes featured some really good TV action and provide us with the first recommended match of the PG Era. 

• In Arena - Mark Henry comes out to the ramp for a stare down with his SummerSlam opponent. 

ATPW Scale Rating - 3.83/10 

A good main event, but beyond that there wasn't much on this episode and it's clear that WWE isn't putting a whole lot of effort into the brand or anyone on it. Colin Delaney cut a strong promo in the opening segment, but was surrounded by bumbling speeches from Teddy Long and Tony Atlas and then had his feud with Tommy Dreamer almost immediately put to bed. The build towards Matt Hardy vs. Mark Henry at SummerSlam begins next week so it shall be interesting to see how that is handled and where the likes of Finlay, John Morrison, The Miz, Evan Bourne, Chavo Guerrero and Tommy Dreamer find themselves fitting onto the hour long show.

The episode aired on 25th July 2008 on the CW Network, having been taped on 22nd July at the Wachovia Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvannia. The episode included Edge's apology to wife Vickie Guerrero after the previous episode revealed he'd been cheating with wedding planner Alicia Fox and an edition of The VIP Lounge (hosted by Montel Vontavious Porter) with Jeff Hardy, but was it any good? Let's take a look. 

The VIP Lounge with Jeff Hardy

I didn't enjoy this segment at all, but the Philadelphia crowd was massively into both men. The main thrust of it was that MVP was being a massive dick to Jeff Hardy, bringing up his suspensions, issues with drugs and the death of Hardy's dog, Jack, whilst Hardy looked uncomfortable with the content, delivered his lines with very little enthusiasm or believability and looked like he'd rather be anywhere else. Some of the dialogue was terrible here, when MVP bought up Hardy saying in WWE Magazine (remember that?) that he wouldn't get suspended again, Hardy replied with "I wouldn't, I'd be released", which, whilst in line with WWE wellness policy rules, is hardly the most inspiring babyface line. We close with Hardy pushing MVP over and shouting "You make me sick", for reasons I'm not quite sure. They'll both be involved in the "Biggest Blockbuster of the Summer" Battle Royal later on for a shot at Triple H's WWE Championship at SummerSlam. 

• United States Champion Shelton Benjamin def. Jimmy Wang Yang - A swifty victory for the US Champ with Paydirt, after cutting an uninteresting promo.

• A nervous Edge congratulated Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder on their Tag Team Championship win, before awkwardly looking at his hands for a bit. 

• Festus def. Curt Hawkins - This went under two minutes with Festus winning with a the one man flapjack, before his lame gimmick of going into a vegetative state when the bell rings for a pinfall allowed Hawkins and Zack Ryder to hit a double-team DDT on the Corn-Fed Colossus. 

The Biggest Blockbuster of the Summer Battle Royal for a shot at Triple H's WWE Championship at SummerSlam 

So when I saw the lineup for this battle royal and knowing the time period, I thought this was going to a car crash and it wasn't. Was it a classic? No. But it was well-booked and made the most of its components. We had Mr. Kennedy, The Great Khali, MVP, Umaga, Jeff Hardy and The Big Show; six men who didn't make it onto the Great American Bash card in an unusually thin over-the-top affair. This took away part of the spectacle of a battle royal, but also negated those early stages where a bunch of no hopers are thrown out. The opening portion was kept interesting with a couple of nice spots, like a Poetry in Motion to Khali from Hardy using Kennedy, a Khali and Show face-off being interrupted by a pair of thrust-kicks from Umaga and a Whisper in the Wind from Hardy to Umaga. The match built well towards its conclusion as Hardy eliminated Show by turning a powerbomb into modified hurricanrana that sent the World's Largest Athlete over the top rope, leaving The Charismatic Enigma alone with The Great Khali. The crowd was super hot for Hardy, with Philadelphia desperate to see the underdog overcome, however despite a Swanton Bomb and a low blow to escape a vice grip, Khali picked up the win, dumping Hardy over the top after a Khali Chop. We get a staredown between Khali and Triple H to end the segment and I am already dreading this match. 

• R-Truth is coming to SmackDown soon and we get a package of him in North Carolina talking about his time in prison. Truth had been having dark matches since March, included one before this episode with Sheamus O'Shaunessy.  

• Michelle McCool def. Maryse - Another quick bout as the first ever Diva's Champion picked up a submission victory with a MADT Heel Hook.

• The Brian Kendrick def. Shannon Moore -  A quick promo from Kendrick about his new persona, as he let the roster know that if anyone had a problem with him they should take it up with his bodyguard Ezekiel [Jackson]. This was followed up by Kendrick quickly going over Moore with The Kendrick. 

Hell Hath No Fury Like Vickie Guerrero

Edge and Vickie Guerrero were both brilliant in this segment as Guerrero took revenge for her husband's infidelity by reinstating The Undertaker and placing Edge in a Hell in a Cell Match with the Deadman at SummerSlam. Edge trying to explain away the footage claiming that "No means no, but she wouldn't listen" in regards to Alicia Fox and then explaining he only got involved with Fox in order to make sure the wedding went smoothly was played perfectly by the Rated R Superstar. Edge gets the cowardly cheat act just right, remaining entertaining and getting a couple of laughs, but also being utterly contemptible as a character and someone who you look forward to seeing getting what they deserve. Vickie seemed to relish getting to say something that the crowd would pop for and paced her lines wonderfully getting a huge pop for almost every word that came out of her mouth. The crowd went nuts for The Undertaker coming back, leaving Edge having to let them get on with it whilst looking terrified and trying to come up with a way out of facing his rival again. The segment could have done with a better conclusion as once the announcement has been made there was a lack of a climax or conflict, perhaps just playing Undertaker's music and a few special effects would've rounded off the segment perfectly. 

Finally... 

ATPW Scale Rating - 4.29/10 

Not a terrible episode, but not a great one either. This is pretty much saved by the strength of it's closing segment as Edge and Vickie Guerrero shone in an emotional climax that both played wonderfully, as the opening segment was dire and the Battle Royal was okay. Elsewhere the show was filled with short, inconsequential matches, that did very little for anyone. 

An interesting start to the PG Era as ECW and SmackDown took the leap first. The ECW Four Way main event producing the strongest action of the week, whilst the closing sequence of SmackDown was a great example of the chemistry between Edge and Vickie Guerrero and just why that feud involving the pair and The Undertaker worked so well. Across the three hours there was a lot of talking, with three of the five major segments being promo based and I noticed that the matches were a lot shorter than what we are used to seeing in 2017. When we begin to include next week, a show that is known to include more talking and entertainment segments, it will interesting to compare that to what the other two brands were offering, as the company moves away from the adult and teen orientated programming that caused it's late nineties boom and more towards the family and children market. 

Next week - RAW features a Tag Team main event pitting John Cena & Batista against John "Bradshaw" Layfield and Kane, ECW sees John Morrison and The Miz take on Finlay & Hornswoggle, SmackDown features a classic segment between Edge and Mick Foley, before the Rated R Superstar faces off with one of his signature foes, Jeff Hardy, on the final Saturday Night's Main Event.

WWE Monday Night RAW #1254 Review (5th June 2017)

On 5th June, WWE aired the 1254th episode of Monday Night RAW live from the Mohegan Sun Arena in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania on the USA Network. The show featured Roman Reigns facing Bray Wyatt, new #1 Contender Samoa Joe against Seth Rollins and a confrontation between Joe and Paul Heyman, the advocate for Universal Champion Brock Lesnar, as well as appearances from Intercontinental Champion The Miz, RAW Tag Team Champions Sheamus & Cesaro, The Big Show, Dean Ambrose and Mickie James. But was it any good? Let's take a look.

*Times in brackets are screen time, rather than match length.

• ICYMI - Highlights of Samoa Joe becoming Number One Contender to the WWE Universal Championship at Extreme Rules, with a victory over Finn Balor, Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins and Bray Wyatt.

Reigns def. Wyatt (23:25)

Before our massive opening contest, we got to hear from both men, starting with a typically madcap promo from Bray Wyatt. The Eater of Worlds continued his rhetoric about needing to "slay the beast" and quickly skimming over being unable to get the win on 4th June claiming that "I am still every bit of the God that I have always been". I'm not sure whether the Wyatt character is actually aware of Brock Lesnar or whether he genuinely believes there is an actual beast running about with the Universal title (although that would probably better explain why we haven't seen the belt since WrestleMania). A section where Wyatt listed his opponents from Sunday and called them "guilty" got a good reaction, with each of the four getting loud pops from Wilkes-Barre, with Roman Reigns' being just that bit louder. The crowd was superb when The Big Dog made his entrance, a mixture of love and hate for Roman, who just stood there and let it happen, whilst Wyatt leaned against the ropes and soaked in the atmosphere. "The big dogs not gonna wait, he's ready to be sentenced right now" was all Reigns needed to say and one uppercut later we were into our opener. 

I always enjoy watching Reigns and Wyatt scrap it out with each other. Their 2015 feud provided us with two underrated PPV matches, as they two tore strips off each other and this bout was just as physical as the two went across two adverts breaks. The two have tangible chemistry and with similar brawling styles, they produced some hard-hitting action that held it's lengthy TV time and got a positive reaction from the Mohegan Sun Arena. After both attempting signature moves early on, the two used the heat from the crowd to take their time after the break wit Wyatt controlling the match with headlocks and subduing Reigns' hope spots with a DDT and later by sending the Big Dog into the post. Out of the second break, Reigns made his fiery comeback to a loud mixed reaction, building into Wyatt doing his spider walk moments after Reigns had pumped his fist up to signal as Superman Punch was incoming. With Michael Cole claiming that Wyatt was "thwacked out of his mind" the two headed home with Reigns gathering momentum and Wyatt looking for space. A clean win for Roman after hitting a superman punch and spear, leaves Wyatt with just one win out of four singles matches since jumping to RAW, but as we've seen time and time again from the Eater of Worlds losses rarely affect him or his popularity. Reigns is being heavily protected for the showdown with Brock Lesnar at some point (most likely WrestleMania) and if you couldn't tell from the crowd reactions he's already one of the top full-time guys on the roster. 

• Backstage - Charly Caruso interviewed Enzo & Cass, with Amore chatting up Caruso and Cass promising to keep watching Enzo's back after the multiple attacks as of late...the mystery deepens.

• ICYMI - At Extreme Rules, Alexa Bliss defeated Bayley in a Kendo Stick on a Pole match to retain the RAW Women's Championship. 

• Backstage - After Alexa Bliss told Kurt Angle she was ready to move on from Bayley, Ange shot down her demands for a "Alexa Bliss - This is My Life" segment, calling last week's This is Your Life for Bayley one of the worst segments in the history of RAW and booking Bliss to defend her Women's Championship against Nia Jax later on. 

• In-Ring - Elias Samson treated us to a song about a falling leaf or something, getting some good heat before Dean Ambrose interrupted and hit him with the microphone. A short promo from The Lunatic Fringe demanding an Intercontinental Championship rematch was cut short by The Miz appearing on the big screen, leading to Samson jumping Ambrose and ending the segment with his swinging neckbreaker. 

• Backstage - Kurt Angle told an irate Dean Ambrose to take the night off, after promising he'll get his Intercontinental title rematch soon. 

Heyman Confronted Joe (12:59)

A sublime piece of television as Samoa Joe took his place as Brock Lesnar's first opponent since WrestleMania, creating an issue with the Beast Incarnate right from the off after choking out his advocate Paul Heyman in the middle of the ring. The moments before the attack were fascinating as both dropped their mics with the only sound coming from the camera mic, as the Samoan Submission Machine backed Heyman into the corner, told him exactly what he was going to do to him and then did it. The stylistic choice with the microphones gave the TV presentation an uncomfortable, voyeuristic quality, made Joe look like a force to be reckoned with. When the segment concluded with the crowd chanting "We Want Brock" you know that the work had been done right. The best thing about the conclusion was that the segment didn't really need it. Both Joe and Heyman had cut excellent promos beforehand with the Samoan listing the various things that he wanted to take from Brock, making the Universal title feel like it means something by listing it at the top of his list, before Paul came out to a huge pop, called Joe Lesnar's "worst case scenario" before closing with "It's my job at Great Balls of Fire to make sure that Brock Lesnar is your worst case scenario". Promos that tell stories are the best promos and if you weren't super hyped to see Lesnar v Joe on 9th July, it would've been pretty much impossible not to be by the end of this slice of pure gold. 

• ICYMI - Samoa Joe just choked out Paul Heyman! 

• Backstage - After Kurt Angle berated Samoa Joe for his attack on Paul Heyman, Seth Rollins turned up, got into Joe's face and Angle booked the two in a match for later. 

Sheamus & Cesaro def. Slater & Rhyno (6:53)

After winning the RAW Tag titles from the Hardy Boyz at Extreme Rules, Sheamus & Cesaro picked up a dominant victory over former SmackDown Tag Team Champions Heath Slater & Rhyno to solidify their title win. There was very little too this match, with a couple of heel distraction tactics from Sheamus & Cesaro, before Slater walked into a Brogue Kick. It's a shame that Slater & Rhyno have found themselves in this position as they were super over for a good few months on SmackDown, but with Enzo & Cass as the only other babyface tag team on the roster, I guess it had to be these lads who were used to make Cesaro & Sheamus look dominant. After months of coming off as second best to the Hardy Boyz at every turn and then a questionable nature of their title win, the new champs really needed something to make them look like a force to be reckoned with and this match worked. The promo from the winners after the match didn't do much for me and I'm not sure the "We don't raise the bar, we are the bar" catchphrase is as good as someone clearly thinks it is. 

• Backstage - TJP asked Cruiserweight Champion Neville when he'd get the title shot he was promised, with Neville claiming if TJP beat Mustafa Ali next he'd speak to Kurt Angle about getting him a match for the strap.

TJP def. Ali (6:02)

Another short match here as TJP tripped Mustafa Ali on the top rope as the latter went for his Imploding 450 splash and the Cruiserweight Classic winner sealed the deal with a Detonation Kick. The match had very little to talk about, with a dead crowd sitting in silence, watching some technically solid wrestling at pace, but with very little reason to give a shit about either guy. The post-match angle was much more interesting however with Neville turning on TJP when the Fil-Am Flash wanted to go to Kurt Angle himself about getting a Cruiserweight title shot. The Geordie played his role well, attempting to worm his way out of his promise by telling TJP he wasn't a "miracle worker", despite TJP having only lost former #1 Contender Austin Aries since April and picking up victories over Aries, Gentleman Jack Gallagher, Lince Dorado and Gran Metalik in that time! The timing of the turn within the segment was spot on and the vicious nature of Neville's attack hit home, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for another face run from the Los Angeles native so soon after turning. The segment closed with Neville giving TJP his wish, announcing he'll defend the title on this week's 205 Live. Side note - TJP shitting himself when Neville's pyro went off was brilliant. 

• Vignette - Another Goldust promo with Goldie sitting in his director chair and quoting movies, although there's no interruption from R-Truth this week. 

• Backstage - Alexa Bliss attempted to convince Sasha Banks (who left early), Mickie James and Dana Brooke that the Women's division had a "Nia Jax problem", with the babyfaces brushing off Bliss' attempt. 

• Arena - Kurt Angle interrupted the commentary team on camera, asking to talk to Corey Graves...the mystery deepens

• Match - Kalisto picked up a quick victory over Titus O'Neil (with Apollo Crews) reversing a pin with a handful of tights, whilst Akira Tozawa watched backstage. 

• Backstage - Big Cass was found passed out backstage, with one of Enzo Amore's gold chains near him, with the referees telling Enzo to get a new partner for his match later...the mystery deepens.            

Ambrose Crashed Miz's Intercontinental Championship Comeback Tour Kickoff (10:38)

What a joyous treat this segment was, chock-full over-the-top silliness. We've seen these celebration segments time and time again, but this breathed some fresh air into the trope as Miz carried the scene as his paranoia regarding Ambrose escalated as things went on. The Awesome One quickly shut down the "You deserve it" chants (seriously? Why would you chant that? If you enjoy the Miz's work you should be booing the crap out of him) and then came the confusion about who booked the dancing bear (not a real bear) in the corner of the ring. Miz murdered the bear with a Skull Crushing Finale, thinking it to be Ambrose, only for it to be revealed as just some bloke. The second "near fall" came when a giant box was wheeled to the ring, with Miz going nuts on it with a steel chair and then hilariously dropping elbows on the box. Maryse played her reaction perfectly as she tried to get Miz to stop, because it was a present from her, leading into Miz pulling out the top of a grandfather clock to a the biggest pop a clock has ever received on WWE television. With Maryse gone and Miz losing his mind and calling out Ambrose, we got the slow reveal that the Lunatic Fringe had been the camera man all along with a superb shot of Miz watching the tron with his back to Ambrose as he removed his disguise with the look of realisation on Miz's facing telling the entire story, before taking Dirty Deeds. The segment was almost a farce in it's design with Miz's becoming a weird version of Basil Fawlty, I'm not sure who that makes Ambrose but it sure did make for an entertaining and creative piece of television. 

Amore & Show def. Gallows & Anderson (8:11)

By far the worst segment of the episode, as former RAW Tag Team Champions Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson fell to the make-shift team of Enzo Amore & The Big Show (in his first appearance since breaking the ring with Braun Strowman on #1247) in two minutes. Before the match, there was a cringey as fuck as Amore did his schtick despite partner Big Cass being laid out in the lockeroom moments earlier and also having supposedly been attacked two weeks in a row and then we got Show doing a Cass impression. Honestly, it was terrible and made me feel physical pain. I'm not sure what Show doing a shitty New York accent was supposed to do for anyone, but it certainly happened. Even more so having Show plough through both Gallows and Anderson did nothing for anyone in the long run and knocked the Club duo further down the totem pole as they essentially acted as enhancement talent for a team that will probably never tag again. With only five currently active tag teams (Sheamus & Cesaro, Enzo & Cass, The Club, The Hardy Boyz and Slater & Rhyno) treating one of those teams and especially one that has proved popular, like this is reckless and irresponsible. The fact that Slater & Rhyno also lost in a similarly short amount time highlights just how little the RAW brand seems to care about building a competitive tag team division.

• Backstage - Big Cass accused The Big Show of being the one who attack him and Enzo over the last few weeks...the mystery deepens. 

• Backstage - R-Truth's reply to Goldust, including quoting A Few Good Men and Pulp Fixxion as the intense quote-fest continued.

Bliss def. Jax via Disqualification to retain RAW Women's Championship (6:42)

This was an extremely weirdly booked match, that the crowd sat through without even a mild reaction to anything going on. You had two heels in the ring and two babyfaces on the outside in Mickie James and Dana Brooke, yet it felt like James and Brooke were playing meddling heels on the outside, whilst Alexa Bliss came across as an underdog face when taking a battering from Nia Jax. You can't blame Wilkes-Barre for not reacting to this as with two heels in the match, who are they supposed to cheer for? With little build to the match and without Jax having a singles match on RAW since early April, this felt thrown together and seemed to lack any thought on the reactions that each of the talent should be trying to receive. The performances of James and Brooke, jumping Bliss and causing the disqualification and then later attempting a two on one beat down on the champion (for very little reason when you look back at the backstage segment) were completely off the mark and whilst they weren't helped by the booking they both came across as smarmy and irritating as they intruded in a match they had no business in. Jax destroying them both was probably the best thing about the segment, merely because I'd got so frustrated with Mickie and Dana's character portrayal that I got a kick out of seeing Nia squash them both with Samoan drops. 

• Backstage -  Whilst being checked over by the doctor, Paul Heyman received a phone call from Brock Lesnar, with Heyman telling the Universal Champion that next week would be time to instil some fear into Samoa Joe and that next week, they would "unleash the beast". 

Joe def. Rollins (16:46)

Another good television match here as Samoa Joe and Seth Rollins continued their feud that's been rolling since before WrestleMania. The match was probably a couple of notches below the Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt opener, mainly because the crowd was knackered by this point and was nowhere near as hot as they were for the Reigns/Wyatt match or Joe's promo earlier, this probably wasn't helped by the quality of the last two in-ring segments. The wrestling content though was solid, taking on different direction from their Payback match in April, moving away from Rollins' knee injury and being more of a straight up wrestling match. Whilst the feud has boiled under after shifting to the Extreme Rules five-way, the two got across their dislike with Joe taking control by throwing his towel in Rollins face, before the Kingslayer moments later knocked Joe down with a version of the Lou Thesz press and hammered away with punches. Whilst we saw early on that the two could produce slick reversal sequence with Rollins turning a powerbomb into a rana, most of the match could be split into two parts, Joe's domination and Rollins comeback.

Seth's comeback was superb stuff, coming shortly after a hope spot that ended with a crisp snap scoop powerslam, as Rollins gained some space with an enziguiri out of some back and forth strikes and then the Architect unleashed a barrage of offence. Rollins went nuts hitting a suicide dive by the announce table, then a slingblade in the ring, another suicide dive towards the entrance ramp, a blockbuster, another suicide dive on the side opposite the hard cam and then a diving clothesline for a two count. The momentum building up through the suicide dives was a lot of fun to witness and perhaps a recognisable comeback sequence that has been lacking from Rollins' babyface run. If his suicide dives were a little bit more convincing or impactful, I could potentially see this sequence having a similar effect for Rollins as Daniel Bryan had when he locked in his sequence during his time in Team Hell No. Seth got a series of near falls off a Falcon Arrow and a roll up before hitting Avada Kedavra, before climbing to the top rope for a frog splash. This lead into the finish with Bray Wyatt's signature flashing across the screen and as Rollins looked out for the Eater of World's, Joe locked Seth in the Coquina Clutch and claimed the victory. An interesting angle to close the show with, as Joe ended up looking great standing alone in the ring, despite the cheap victory and it leaves some questions still to be answered. Why did Wyatt decide to get involved in the match? Is he aligned with Joe still? How will Rollins react to Wyatt costing him his chance at putting the feud with Joe to bed? It's brilliant to leave us wanting to know what's happening and I'm actually looking forward to seeing how this develops next week.

Finally...

ATPW Scale Rating - 5.22/10 

This was the best episode of RAW for a few weeks (at least since I started doing weekly reviews again) with a couple of great segments and a handful of very good matches also. Paul Heyman's confrontation with Samoa Joe was gold, The Miz's farcical act with Dean Ambrose was wonderfully, whilst the opener with Roman Reigns against Bray Wyatt and the closer with Joe vs. Seth Rollins were both favourable TV bouts. It was a shame that outside of those matches a lot of the other bouts felt underdeveloped and lacked the time most needed. I really didn't enjoy Big Show with Enzo Amore and the RAW Women's title match seemed liked no one knew what kind of reaction they should be aiming for. Those segments ended up pulling down the rating this week, as well as the number of short backstage skits, replays and hype packages. 

With Brock Lesnar vs. Samoa Joe the only match scheduled for 9th July's Great Balls of Fire, the next few week's should hopefully, at the very least, keep this kind of quality up as we head closer to the PPV.