Impact Wrestling 697 Review // Team Eddie Edwards vs. Team Chris Adonis // Eli Drake Gravy Train Turkey Trot

Bound For Glory 2017 Review // Johnny Impact vs. Eli Drake
Impact Wrestling 695 Review // Alberto El Patron and Johnny Impact Brawl

Impact Wrestling 696 Review // Petey Williams vs. Eli Drake

It was Thanksgiving on 23rd November, so Impact Wrestling treated us to a Turkey based episode. Yeah. Taped at the Aberdeen Pavillion in Ottawa, Ontario, the show featured just one original match, pitting Team Eddie Edwards against Team Chris Adonis. Throughout the show names were drawn, taking up an outstanding near twenty five minutes, leading to Fallah Bahh, Garza Jr., Richard Justice and Allie joining Edwards' team and Adonis' team consisting off KM, El Hijo del Fantasma, Caleb Konley and Laurel Van Ness. The show also featured a number of flash back matches from Thanksgivings gone by including Rhino, Alex Shelley & Sheik Abdul Bashir battling it out in a three way from 2008. But was it any good? Let's take a look. (SPOILER - IT WASN'T GOOD. NOT GOOD AT ALL)

Eli Drake Gravy Train Turkey Trot // Team Eddie Edwards (Eddie Edwards, Allie [Cherry Bomb], Richard Justice [Dick Justice], Garza Jr. & Fallah Bahh [Franciz]) def. Team Chris Adonis (Chris Adonis [Chris Masters], El Hijo del Fantasma, Caleb Konley, Laurel van Ness [Chelsea Green] & KM [Kevin Matthews]) // Pinfall

*If the following paragraph seems repetitive, drawn out and entirely unnecessary, then I've made my point. It's also good to remember it took up 25 minutes* 

Robert Irvine prepared a Thanksgiving meal, whilst Jeremy Borash fannied around with a tumbler...Borash did some more fannying around with a tumbler...Eli Drake told a story to Borash about his Dad's creamy mashed potatoes. They also drew the first team captain for the newly rechristened Gravy Train Turkey Trot, Eddie Edwards...Edwards told McKenzie Mitchell that tonight he'd be ticking an item off his bucket list by competing in the match...Borash drew El Hijo Del Fantasma as the first member of Team two, whilst Drake stole his bread roll...Fantasma told Mitchell that they don't have Thankgiving in Mexico... Borash let us know that they'd be drawing more names later on... Eli Drake gave his thoughts on Johnny Impact vs. Alberto El Patron happening next week, which didn't amount to a whole lot...Borash finally drew the next member of Eddie Edwards' team, Allie...Allie actually seemed pretty excited about the prospect of dressing as a turkey...Borash let us know that they'd be drawing more names later on...Caleb Konley was drawn as the next member of Team Two by Borash...Trevor Lee told Konley that he'd better not lose the match, in another Mitchell interview...Drake pulled Richard Justice as Edwards' next team member...Justice was buzzing for the opportunity when he spoke to Mitchell... Borash drew KM as the next entrant into the Gravy Train Turkey Trot...KM told Mitchell that all he cared about was impressing American Top Team later on...Laurel Van Ness was the next name out of Borash's tumbler... van Ness danced around like a turkey in her interview with Mitchell...Drake asked Chris Adonis "would you?" with Adonis replying "I would stuff that turkey" seemingly in regards to van Ness...Borash pulled another name out of his tumbler, Fallah Bahh...Bahh spoke to Mitchell, saying only the words "Bahh" and "Gobble Gobble"...Borash and Drake spoke about Bahh's weight and then drew Garza Jr.'s name out of the tumbler...Garza Jr. told a Mitchell that a Mexican wrestler never gives up or something...The team captain for the second team was revealed as Chris Adonis, with Drake attempting to put the name back in the tumbler, Adonis seemed furious about the possibility...Adonis gave Caleb Konley, Fantasma and KM a pep talk, whilst van Ness danced around like a turkey...Edwards gave Allie, Justice, Garza and Bahh a team talk, with Justice more interested in the fact that there would be food around the ring...Before the match began Drake made Borash read an oath to the competitors, making them promise to wear the Turkey suit if they were pinned in the match, whilst standing around tables full of Thanksgiving treats... 

Yeah. Well, the match certainly was something. It wasn't completely terrible, but it was pretty terrible. My highlights included Justice attacking Konley with a bread roll, van Ness riding around on Justice's back for a bit, Josh Mathews continuously corpsing on commentary, Bahh and Justice teaming up on KM and a comedy dive spot where Justice pulled his straps down and then fell off the apron, getting caught by the majority of the match, before Allie came flying off the top to knock everyone down. Undoubtedly, the comedy from Justice was the best part of the whole thing, which says more about the use of the likes of Edwards, Garza, Fantasma and Konley, than it does Justice's skills. Then there was the other stuff. Oh dear the other stuff. The commentary making jokes about Bahh and Justice being larger gentleman, KM hitting some of the weakest strikes you ever did see, Garza once again wrestling with an obviously injured arm, Adonis knocking Edwards off the apron to distract the referee and then simply kicking Garza a bit, the referee dropping Garza's hand to the mat multiple times when in an Adonis waistlock and then doing NOTHING about it, followed by Garza eventually escaping and then going straight to the hot tag with absolute no build or struggle. Just a general lack of psychology or common sense in the structure of the bout, with it appearing at multiple times like no one had discussed anything about the match at any point. After Adonis shouting "Masterlock" like a fucking teat, Edwards escaped quickly and got a roll up win in a sloppy finish. After twenty five minutes of mindless build-up segments, the match was over in under half that time and I felt like I'd lost at least three years of my life and many, many brain cells.

You thought this was over? Oh no, my naive friend. There was still ten minutes left of the show. How did they fill those ten minutes? Well, Adonis had to get in the turkey suit, of course. This was much more interesting than the match, but that's not saying much at all. It went like so; Eli Drake said Adonis didn't have to wear the costume, Jeremy Borash said he did, Adonis tried to leave, security stopped him, Adonis tried to leave again, security stopped him again, Borash said if Adonis didn't wear the suit then Drake would have to wear it and then in the best moment of the show, Drake motioned for security to take Adonis back to the ring, whilst saying otherwise on the mic, then Adonis wore the turkey suit. It wasn't high class television and went on for an excruciating long time, but there were moments of relief, mostly enjoying the depth of Drake's performance. The show concluded with a food fight, including Garza Jr. lobbing an entire turkey at Eddie Edwards (his own captain) and Edwards ducking a cherry pie attack from Adonis, leaving Drake covered in pie as the show went off the air.

Turkey Bowl // "The War Machine" Rhino def. Alex Shelley and Sheik Abdul Bashir [Shawn Daivari] // Pinfall 

This bout originally aired on iMPACT 231 (broadcast in November 2008, taped at Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida) and was certainly not a classic. That being said it was probably the best of the three archive bouts, with Shelley and Bashir teaming up to tackle the more powerful Rhino, only for the War Machine to come flying back and pin Shelley with a Gore.

After the match, Mick Foley forced Alex Shelley to wear the Turkey Suit, in an over-the-top promo, threatening to fire the Motor City Machine Guns member. This segment was not entertaining the first time, it really didn't need to be re-aired.

Eli Drake, Dezmond Xavier, Petey Williams, Trevor Lee, Bobby Lashley and Allie let us know their favourite Thanksgiving memories...Drake, Sami Callihan, Alberto El Patron, Williams, KC Spinelli, Johnny Impact and Matt Sydal let us know what their favourite Thanksgiving food was...Drake, Sienna, Ethan Carter III, Impact, Sydal and Allie let us know what they were thankful for...Drake, Willliams and Eddie Edwards (who looked quite ill) told us about their Thanksgiving Traditions... 

Turkey Bowl // Eric Young def. Robbie E // Pinfall

This was a baffling encounter from Impact Wrestling 385 (aired November 2011, taped at Universal Studios in Orlando Florida), with my enjoyment coming from Taz relentless taking the piss out of the whole thing on commentary. Referee Rudy Charles was for some reason positioned as the star of the contest, using the turkey suit to count pinfalls and also randomly breaking out into a chicken dance at various points, before Young picked up the win with a jumping Piledriver.

After the match, Eric Young and referee Rudy Charles made Rob Terry wear the turkey suit.

Turkey Suit Challenge // Robbie E def. Grado // Pinfall 

From Impact Wrestling 645 (aired in November 2016, taped at Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida) we had this bout that was straight up comedy wrestling, as well as having Aiden O'Shea [Jay Bradley] on the outside as some kind of enforcer. Nipple twists, both being terrified of the turkey suit for reasons that weren't explained and Grado pulling out Robbie E's arse were amongst the "highlights", en route to Robbie E earning the victory after blocking a sunset flip.

After the match, Grado put on the turkey suit and rather enjoyed it, beginning to cut some shapes in the suit, whilst Robbie E also pranced round like a fool, whilst Aiden O'Shea looked on for some reason.

Sienna, Madison Rayne, Rosemary and Allie spoke about the upcoming tournament for the vacant Knockout's Championship

The Pluto TV rewind of the week was Diamond Dallas Page given Raven a Diamond Cutter in a match against Monty Brown, taken from Impact 24 (aired November 2004, taped at Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida)

This may have been the worst episode of any professional wrestling show that has aired in 2017. 25 minutes of drawing names out of tumblers and bad jokes, ten minutes of talking heads discussing Thanksgiving traditions without a single interesting story, one original match that if you were kind you would call "not awful" and three previous Turkey Bowl matches, that ranged from short unoriginal comedy to bizarre referee dominated action to a three way that was certainly a match that happened at one point. Also, does anyone want to watch two Robbie E matches on the same show? After a killer episode last week, Impact Wrestling let themselves down on Thanksgiving and episode 697 deserves to be burned in a bin.

Review by James Marston (@IAmNotAlanDale)

Impact Wrestling 696 Review // Eli Drake vs. Petey Williams

This week's Impact Wrestling saw the company continuing to rebuild after Bound For Glory, as the Aberdeen Pavilion in Ottawa, Ontario (taped 6th November) witness Petey Williams challenging Eli Drake for the Impact Global Heavyweight Championship and James Storm side with Moose following an assault from American Top Team. But was it any good? 

Impact Global Heavyweight Championship // Eli Drake [Shaun Ricker] (C) def. "The Canadian Destroyer" Petey Williams via pinfall // 13 minutes

The show began with separate Eli Drake and Petey Williams interview talking about their Global Championship match, over some footage of them competing in the ring. Eli Drake told Petey Williams that if he could last 3 minutes with him he'd be a Canadian Hero, because it doesn't take much, in an interview with McKenzie Mitchell. Petey Williams spoke about his Grandfather passing away and his loyalty to Impact, over highlights from his career. 

This was one of the best matches to have aired on Impact Wrestling for quite a while and for me, it was also Eli Drake's best performance in a six sided ring. The match told a simple story, with the commentary team making a point of telling us that no one had ever kicked out of a Williams Canadian Destroyer and Williams repeatedly looking to hit the move, whilst Chris Adonis ran constant interference on the outside to keep Drake in control. This meant that when Williams took out Adonis with a suicide dive, then escaped a Gravy Train and nailed the Canadian Destroyer, it felt like we could potentially see a new Global Champion, creating a world-class near fall. Drake kicking out rises his stock as champion and Williams deserves credit for selflessly allowing that to happen. Drake would eventually win with a Gravy Train, after a few near falls for each side in a tremendous final stretch that featured the momentum swinging either as Drake showed he capable of working a style more akin to the X Division. With a livelier crowd and had this not been pre-recorded then it would have been a great match, as it stands it is still worth giving a chance on My5 in the UK.

James Storm saves Moose from American Top Team // 13 minutes 

An intriguing segment as James Storm aligned with Moose in his feud with American Top Team (because why Stephen Bonnar was defending the honour of professional wrestling before I have no clue). This included the highlight of the show, when ATT's John Hartnett (wearing a neck brace) decided to slap Storm, before The Cowboy replied by smashing a beer bottle in his face in what many would call a massive overreaction! Storm's promo afterwards was utterly brilliant though. It was full of passion, it was funny, but most importantly, it felt real. Storm spoke at professional wrestling and what it meant to him. He talked about receiving advice from his Dad, he talked about America's Most Wanted and Beer Money Inc. and you could tell that he meant every word that came out of his mouth. Knowing that he's leaving the company after these tapings added an extra dimension to the promo as well. They also threw Hartnett's shoes into the crowd. On the other hand I could've given or taken Dan Lambert's promo, where he spent three minutes running down Canada. He seems like he's watched loads of pro wrestling and is trying a little bit too hard, but it wasn't unwatchable and his voice breaking at points made it quite humorous at times.

Backstage KM asked American Top Team for a chance, with Bobby Lashley telling him to prove himself. 

Impact Grand Championship // Ethan Carter III "EC3" def. Fallah Bahh [Franciz] // 9 minutes

Without the Grand Championship gimmick (three rounds of three minutes) this wouldn't have been much of a match, but with it it worked reasonably well. The first round with Fallah Bahh in control didn't do much for me, as he did his Akira Tozawa impression and tried to get a Bah chant going, alongside a number of poor comedy spots. The second round went to Ethan Carter III, taking control after Bahh ran into the post and then the rest of the round happened. The third round was probably the strongest as EC3 looked to bring Bahh down, couldn't hit the One Percenter after a rake of the eyes, but then managed to trip Bahh off the ropes, as he seemed to be attempting a Banzai Drop and then used a jacknife cover to get the win with his feet on the ropes. The wrestling wasn't great, but the gimmick allowed for a decent story to be told and EC3 came out with a win over a much bigger competitor. I was surprised we didn't get a reply from Matt Sydal after EC3 ran him down last week though.

The Latin American Xchange (Homicide, Santana [Mike Draztik] & Ortiz [Angel Ortiz]) def. Ohio Versus Everything (Sami Callihan, Dave Crist & Jake Crist) via pinfall // 9 minutes

A stylised handheld camera promo from oVe aired, mostly done by Sami Callihan, having very much a feel of the old Shield promos.

A good clash here, even if it felt like only scratched the surface of the potential the two sides have. There was frenetic feel from the very beginning as oVe launched into the ring to scrap wit LAX, before the match transitioned into a "Get your shit in" sequence and then a multiple dives sequence, highlighted a suicide senton from Homicide. It appears that oVe are the heels now, even if this had been unclear after Bound For Glory, as Callihan nailed Homicide with a mule kick blow, before Homicide became the Notorious face in peril. Homicide played the role well, scrapping against with Jake Crist, before escaping a back suplex and flying into an EYFBO hot tag. The gear change in stretch was great to watch as Santana and Ortiz flew around, oVe got a near fall off a Tombstone Piledriver from Jake on Santana, before Ortiz was able to block an All Seeing Eye attempt and LAX picked up the win with the Street Sweeper to bring a frenzied sequence to a close. There's more that these teams can do together and I hope that we get to explore that on Impact. 

Sonjay Dutt, Dezmond Xavier & Garza Jr. def. Trevor Lee, Taiji Ishimori & Caleb Konley // 7 minutes

This bout was a little overshadowed by the other six man tag on the show, having no real consequence and a surprising lack of action. The first two thirds were lethargic for this division, with a Sonjay Dutt and Taiji Ishimori in particular looking uninterested, phoning in their early work and looking way too cooperative, which both talents should be above at this point in their careers. The crowd was flat throughout, to the point that I noted that they may as well have been working in an empty building. Also Garza Jr. spent the entire match holding one arm towards his body, clearly injured, which makes the company look incredibly second rate and shows a clear lack of interest in safety of the performer. This shouldn't have happened, although Garza did pull out an impressive hurricanrana with the arm still well and truly held against his stomach. The last few minutes were a good watch with a lot going and Dezmond Xavier continuing to shine before pinning Caleb Konley with the Final Flash.

Gail Kim Retired // 4 minutes

Allie hugged Gail Kim backstage.

After this moment had been built to for quite a while it ended being quite underwhelming as Gail Kim announced that she was retiring. Part of this was damaged by the fact she had already announced she was retiring at the end of the year and also for the fact that only Allie was present for it and Kim lowballed her speech, mentioning a few people she'd wrestled and that was about it.

Also...

The GWN flashback was Ken Shamrock defeating Malice with Ricky Steamboat as special guest referee to win the NWA World Heavyweight Championship at NWA Total Non-stop Action #1 at the Von Braun Civic Center in Huntsville, Alabama on 19th June 2002.

In catering, Joseph Park apologised to Grado, gave him an American visa, only for a Mountie (not The Mountie) to turn up and tell Grado he was being deported from Canada.

The Pluto TV rewind was Chris Rock saying "NWA: TNA is the best professional wrestling in the world" from NWA Total Non-Stop Action #16 at the Tennessee State Fairgrounds in Nashville, Tennessee on 9th October 2002.

A good two hours of Impact Wrestling this week, building on last week's and head and shoulders above Bound For Glory. Out of all the segment, only the X-Division six man under-performed. The main event did a great job of making Petey Williams feel like a threat and featured some brilliant wrestling, whilst the LAX v oVe match was also a good watch and EC3 vs. Bahh used the Grand title gimmick just about well enough. James Storm's promo was excellent also and with not much talking on the show it ended up really standing out. If Impact can continue in this vein for the next few months, then Anthem might finally start to shake the stink off, but the Ottawa crowd and awful venue choice might very well end up holding them back.

Review by James Marston