Tournament Preview // Fight Club: PRO Infinity 2018

On the 26th October, Fight Club: PRO present the 8th annual Infinity Trophy tournament at The Hanger in Wolverhampton, with one of the strongest line-ups in a long time. The list of winners reads like a who's who of Fight Club: PRO with Trent Seven (2010 & 2013), MK McKinnan (2011), Clint Margera (2012), Chris Brookes (2014), Pete Dunne (2015), Travis Banks (2016) and Omari (2017) all having walked out victorious, but who could be looking to join that list in 2018? Our sources say this year's tournament will follow the new format set down by last year's show, with four singles matches as semi-finals, before an elimination four-way final. There's a huge potential for storytelling in such a final, especially with the recent FCP vs. Schadenfreude storyline that has taken over the promotion over the last few month, as well as a number of super interesting semi-final possibilities. Lets take a look at the field, their recent record in FCP and tournament history, before evaluating their chances of winning and possible opponents and stories that could be told along the way. 

All photos courtesy of The Ringside Perspective. 

Tyler Bate 

On paper, Tyler Bate has to be the bookies favourite heading into Infinity on Friday. Obviously, matches aren't won paper, but it's hard to look past the run of form the Big Strong Boi has been on, as well as his obvious tournament credentials. Bate hasn't lost in FCP one on one since February 2016 and whilst a lot of his focus has been on tag team action with Moustache Mountain and British Strong Style, the run of eight straight victories has included putting away the likes of Will Ospreay, Daisuke Sekimoto and Jeff Cobb, as well as Travis Banks on two occasions. Bate also has the most wins in all match-types in FCP this year, totalling 11 out of 15. The 21 year old has also built up quite the tournament pedigree, famously winning WWE's United Kingdom Championship Tournament in 2017, topping FCP's other tournament the Dream Tag Team Invitational with Trent Seven earlier in the year and CHIKARA's King of Trios in 2017 with Seven and Pete Dunne. Further back, Bate picked up victories in Great Bear Promotions URSA Major One Night Tournament and Junior Heavyweight Cup in 2013 and 2014 respectively, as well as Shropshire Wrestling Alliance's British Lions Cup (also 2014). This will be Bate's fifth appearance in Infinity, but the first under the current format, having previously come out on the losing side of the 2014 final against Chris Brookes.

Bate's style is perfect for tournaments with his ability to fight from underneath, sell sublimely and gather crowd support creating a compelling atmosphere that is amplified in a tournament setting. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little excited about the possibility of Bate having to face Trent Seven in the semis, with that match having previously only happened in WWE. 

"Speedball" Mike Bailey 

In terms of Fight Club: PRO, Mike Bailey is the least experienced guy in the tournament, but his international credentials should put him amongst the favourites. Speedball made his FCP debut in June at International Tekkers: Nothing is True, Everything is Permitted, winning a wonderful four-way fatal match over David Starr, El Phantasmo and last year's Infinity winner Omari. Most of Bailey's time recently has been spent in Japan with Dramatic Dream Team (DDT) and Germany with Westside Xtreme Wrestling (wXw), where in terms of tournaments it's been a year of near misses. A strong performance in D-Ou Grand Prix was followed up by reaching the final of both Road to 16 Carat and AMBITION 9 in wXw only to lose to Marius Al-Ani and Timothy Thatcher respectfully. The Canadian's last tournament victory came in 2016 at Quebec's North Shore Pro Wrestling in their Standing 8 tournament,with Bailey also being victories in DDT's DNA Grand Prix in 2016, Combat Zone Wrestling (CZW)'s Best of the Best in 2015 and Capital City Championship Combat's (C4) Snowbrawl in 2014.

Speedball is arguably the guy with the most varied style in the whole tournament, able to fly with the best, strike hard and mix it up technically, after his superb showing at Tekkers I'm looking forward to seeing him get in there with some more of FCP's best.

Trent Seven 

The only former FCP Champion in the tournament, as well as being a two-time Infinity winner and four time finalist, Trent Seven has the most impressive record of anyone in Fight Club: Pro, having also won this year's Dream Tag Team Invitational, but hasn't had a singles match in the promotion since losing to Travis Banks at DTTI Hangover in May 2017. To that end Seven is winless in his last four singles matches in FCP, going down to Banks again in the final of Infinity 2016, Mikey Whiplash at Breaking into Heaven and Pete Dunne at Pulp Fixxion Part 2, leaving Seven without a one on one victory in over two years (a win over Mark Haskins at Project Mayhem V in September 2016 was the last success for the Super Don). Tournament wise, Seven's only success outside of FCP came in CHIKARA's King of Trios with Tyler Bate and Pete Dunne, whilst he reached the final of Adriatic Special Combat Academy (ASCA)'s Super 8 tournament and Melbourne City Wrestling (MCW)'s Melbourne City Invitational Tournament, both last year. 

Beyond than the tournament, I'm super stoked to see a Seven singles match in FCP after such a long time, because for me Seven's style was such a big part of what made me a Fight Club: PRO fan in 2014 and I'm looking forward to him chopping the shit out of someone, nailing 46 piledrivers and doing some ridiculous no selling. Will his issues with Schadenfreude members Kyle Fletcher and Mark Davis play a part? We'll find out Friday.

Jordan Devlin 

Jordan Devlin has been on a marvellous run in FCP in 2018, with victories over MK McKinnan, Angelico, Naoki Tanizaki, Trey Miguel, Scotty Davis and El Phantasmo. In fact, Devlin's only loss this year came at the hands of the current PWG World Champion & ROH World Television Champion Jeff Cobb in July. The 28 year old Irishman reached last year's final, besting fellow 2018 competitor Kyle Fletcher in the semi-finals, only to be eliminated 2nd by another 2018 entrant, Mark Davis. Despite a strong showing, Devlin comes into the competition without a single tournament victory to his name, with his only other final appearance coming back in 2011 at Fight Factory Pro Wrestling (FFPW) in their European Cruiserweight Title Qualification tournament, where he came out on the losing side against B. Cool. 

Devlin has recently been involved in a feud with Millie McKenzie and Pete Dunne (with Jinny on his side), so there's a lot of potential in doing a Devlin vs. McKenzie singles match in the semi-finals, but there's also the prospect of Jordan avenging last year's elimination at the hands of Mark Davis. With a whole extra year of experience and will the Killer Import be able to go any further this year?  

Millie McKenzie 

Millie McKenzie has become one of the most popular acts in FCP over the last 12 months, helped by her association with mentor Pete Dunne and the dynamic of their tag team The Bruisermates. She comes into Infinity on a run of form, having put away both Jinny and Bea Priestley lately, as well as winning the Pro Wrestling Revolver Tag Team titles with Pete Dunne at FCP in June. McKenzie ended up being eliminated in last year's semi-finals by eventual winner Omari and has managed a number of semi-final appearances in other companies tournaments, reaching the final four of the PROGRESS Wrestling's Women's Title #1 Contender's Tournament in 2017, Revolution Pro Wrestling's (RevPro) British Women's Title Tournament, Defiant Wrestling's Ringmaster Tournament and wXw's Femme Fatales Tournament this year. Could she go one further and make the final four of Infinity? 

Whether technically Millie is ready for the win here and the spot that comes with it, I'm not entirely sure. Her popularity is undeniable, with her in-ring performances being improved from working with world class wrestlers like Pete Dunne, but personally I think she needs a good 12 months more to develop as a singles competitor before reaching a regular main event spot. That being said, I think there's a number of interesting potential match-ups here, with the Jordan Devlin one being the most obvious because of their issues lately, whilst a clash with Mark Davis would he elements of what made Davis' match with Kay Lee Ray in last year's tournament one of the strongest bouts of the night. 

Mark Davis 

And so we reach our first of two Schadenfreude members in the tournament. Mark Davis is undefeated one on one in FCP, beating all four of the opponents that have been put in front of him over the last 18 months. Kyle Fletcher, Kay Lee Ray, Clint Margera and MK McKinnan have all fallen to the Aussie, whilst Davis also made the final two of last year's Infinity, eliminating Jordan Devlin in the final four way, before Omari was able to pull out the win. It's been a great year for tournaments for Davis, both with Aussie Open partner Kyle Fletcher and a singles performer, having won PROGRESS's Natural Progression Series V and Thunderbastard Tag Team Series, as well as reaching the final of the Dream Tag Team Invitational. Outside of 2018, Davis has often found himself in the final, but struggled to complete the deal, coming second in Pro Wrestling Alliance Queensland (PWAQ)'s Tag Team title tournament with Mason Childs (as the Sex Panthers), both PWAQ's Rise of the Warriors 5 & 6 in 2011 & 2012 and Newcastle Pro Wrestling's Kings of the Castle 2013 with Ryan Eagles, before coming second in both of FCP's last two tournaments. Will it be third time lucky for Dunkzilla? 

With a whole new attitude since joining Schadenfreude its difficult to see how Davis couldn't be considered a favourite for the tournament.

Kyle Fletcher 

Kyle Fletcher may have claimed to be Fight Club: PRO Champ for a little bit, but that title wasn't really his and he didn't even steal it himself, then got battered by the delightful Meiko Satomura upon her return. That being said, since joining Schadenfreude Fletcher has been able to pick some impressive victories, besting both former FCP Champion Travis Banks and last years Infinity winner Omari, when before joining the group the Aussie Arrow had lost every single one on one contest he'd been placed in. The 18 year old has limited tournament experience, especially as a singles performer, most recently finding himself out in the First Round of RevPro's British J Cup, Defiant's Ringmaster tournament and Riptide Wrestling's Brighton Title tournament. In a tag team, Fletcher has reached finals, including this year's DTTI, as well as Newy Pro's Kings of the Castle 2017 with SnapChad. 

Fletcher has a lot to prove coming into this one, after his antics with the belt and the presence of Schadenfruede could prove fruitful. If Davis and Fletcher both manage to make it to the final, it will be difficult to look past one of them taking the Trophy. 

El Phantasmo 

El Phantasmo has become a real slow-burn favourite in FCP for me and I think for many others as well. Initially confined to scrambles, it was difficult to get fully invested in the Canadian, even if his rope-walking spot is rad af. However, since breaking into singles matches, his worked has really began to shine. Unfortunately, those performances haven't translated into victories with ELP falling to Jordan Devlin, MK McKinnan and Tyler Bate in his last three, whilst also suffering a loss to the seldom seen Elijah back in 2017. That leaves ELP with just one singles victory heading into Infinity (against Adam Brookes in January), whilst also only being able to win one of the eight scramble matches he's taken part in. To say that Phantasmo is the tournament's outsider would be an understatement. However, he has shown tournament prowess elsewhere this year, having won RevPro's British J Cup in September and reached the final of Defiant's Ringmaster tourney in July. The 32 year old has also won Extreme Canadian Championship Wrestling (ECCW)'s Pacific Cup in 2009, as well as reached the final an impressive three further times in 2008, 2013 and 2017. 

Could El Phantasmo create a huge upset and take the Trophy at The Hangar?



There's a lot of questions that I can't wait to find out the answers to heading into Infinity! I'll see you here after the show for the full review! All the best xoxo 



Written by James Marston 

FCP The Eighth Rule of Fight Club Review // Sekimoto vs. Bate

After a three night stretch at Bush Hall in London, Fight Club: PRO was back at Starworks Warehouse in Wolverhampton for the first time in just over a month on 31st August 2018. Whilst all title holders (World Champion Meiko Satomura, Tag Team Champions Chris Brookes & Kid Lykos and Infinity Trophy (deceased) holder WALTER), were all absent, alongside other regulars like Travis Banks, Angelico and Clint Margera, the originators of British Strong Style still managed to put on a rather tasty looking card on paper. This included the only advertised match in the main event between former BJW Strong World Heavyweight Champion Daisuke Sekimoto and former WWE United Kingdom Champion Tyler Bate in a mouth-watering international clash. Elsewhere, Pete Dunne & Trent Seven were joined by Millie McKenzie to become British Strong Mates as they took on The Rascalz (Dezmond Xavier & Zachary Wents joined by Trey Miguel) and the newest member of Schadenfreude, Mark Davis, took on FCP Original MK McKinnan, as well as action featuring Jordan Devlin, Kyle Fletcher, "Session Moth" Martina, El Phantasmo and Chuck Mambo. But was it any good? Lets find out! 

Six Person Tag Team Match // 

British Strong Mates (Pete Dunne & Trent Seven & Millie McKenzie) def. The Rascalz (Dezmond Xavier & Zachary Wentz & Trey Miguel) // 

Pinfall

This international six person tag was a strong start to the evening, presenting varied action throughout. Underlined by some fun character work from all involved, the bout followed what has become a trademark of British Strong Style (and the Bruisermates) beginning with almost pure japes, before launching into more serious and exciting work in the stretch. The comedy was highlighted by some variation on some of Trent Seven's spots as the Wulfrunian looked to prove his lucha credentials. Seven's run as face in peril had it's moments, but the match really hated up following a hot tag to Pete Dunne, with the pace lifting and leading into a wonderful sequence between Dunne and Trey Miguel. In his Wolverhampton debut Miguel really impressed for me with this delightfully fast and crisp exchange with Dunne, being followed up by a series of truly impressive dives to the floor later on in the bout. For me, a few more convincing near falls could have elevated this one just that little bit more, with jumping piledriver from Seven that was preceded by duel headkicks from Dunne and McKenzie being the only moment I can remember as feeling like it could have been match-ending, but perhaps that's the difference between an opening match and a main event. Destroyers from all three members of British Strong Mates to Xavier was a neat way pulling the matches two strands together, with Starworks popping big for Seven pulling out the move for the eventual pin. 

WrestleHouse Stat // This leaves poor Trey Miguel with a 0-5 record in Fight Club: PRO.

- Trent Seven stuck around, being joined by Martin Zaki, to welcome Project London Super Trainee Stars Of The Future Tournament winner Scotty Davis. This was all fun and games until Davis mentioned wanting to do Ireland proud, bringing out Jordan Devlin. Some words later and we had ourselves a match...

Singles Match // 

Jordan Devlin def. Scotty Davis // 

Pinfall

As someone who hadn't seen Scotty Davis before this was a great introduction to what he can offer to FCP, as he took part in an even contest with one of the top singles performers in the company. The two have previous in Over the Top Wrestling (OTT) meaning that the familiarity allowed for a heated and mostly smooth clash, with Davis showing impressive babyface fire from the very beginning. I was particularly impressed with some of his strong style strikes out of the gate, as well as some solid selling in the later stages. Obviously, Davis will need to evolve past a relatively generic babyface role later down the line in FCP, but as a first introduction to Wolverhampton this worked just fine. For me, this one lagged a little in the middle, losing some of the impact it had in the opening exchange and perhaps could've been improved by being a little shorter and punchier. As the story developed in the later stages, there were plenty of near falls for both sides, including a Fisherman buster for Davis and an avalanche DVD from Devlin, which really put over Davis to the new audience as he held in their with a more seasoned wrestlers and showed a tonne of fighting spirit (something which would become quite a theme for the evening going forward). A desperation headbutt leading to Devlin falling into the pin for the victory deepened the narrative and should lead to a very interesting rematch down the line.

WrestleHouse Stat // Jordan Devlin's one on one record in FCP goes to 7-2, with only Travis Banks and Jeff Cobb managing to beat the Irishman in singles action since August 2017.

Singles Match // 

Kyle Fletcher def. Omari // 

Submission 

The first half main event was the match of the night for me, as Kyle Fletcher got his win back on Omari after their match at June's World Warriors event. Obviously since June, we've seen Fletcher turn to the bad side and join Schadenfruede and Omari lose his Infinity Trophy to WALTER, so this was a very different match-up from the original clash. Like the previous bout this was one was heated from the very beginning with Omari getting a massive slap for the face from Fletcher after the Big O had repeatedly called his opponent "Chris Brookes' bitch", before Omari replied with a barrage of offence. After his match with Travis Banks last month was cut short by an injury to Banks, this was my first real chance to get to see Fletcher's new heel persona and the Aussie Arrow impressed heavily as he targeted Omari's bandaged hand for long periods, with vicious stomps and submissions, often varying his offence to focus on the injury, whilst also spending time to soak up the heat from the crowd. On the flip side, Omari sold the injury well, continuing to perform effectively in the sympathetic babyface role. The damage played a big part in the closing stages with Omari unable to get the cover after his lifting reverse STO finish in a dramatic moment, before a miss tope conhilo would see Fletcher captalise with as series of moves that concluded with a nasty looking modified crossface (with a heavy focus on the hand of course) gave the Aussie the win. This was a much more mature display from each than their previous outing, bringing the story to the forefront, lifting the intensity and opening up a number of possibilities for both men going forward. With the pair at one a piece, a rematch would seem possible before the end of the year.

WrestleHouse Stat // This loss leaves Omari without a win in his last six in FCP, since beating Fletcher at World Warriors in June.

Singles Match // 

Mark Davis def. MK McKinnan // 

Pinfall 

"Find a well known hard man...and start a fight" - MK McKinnan's Arctic Monkeys entrance music acted as an omen of things to come as he scrapped with "Dunkzilla" Mark Davis in the Aussie's first Wolverhampton appearance since joining Schadenfreude, coming hot straight out of the gate. In one his best performances since returning to action, McKinnan took an absolute beating from the bigger man, including a barrage of vicious looking chops and just kept on plugging away. I've felt that McKinnan has struggled to gain a connection with the larger Starworks crowd since returning, with many unaware of his past or his importance to the promotion, but his performance here should hopefully have won a lot more people over, as he sold tremendously throughout, not just the beating, but his desire to prove himself. McKinnan's facial expressions and body language in particular were spot on, drawing me further into the match and almost feel the pain myself. This was, of course, made easier by Dunkzilla being a big violent bastard and the ongoing Schadenfruede story in general, something which was maybe missing from other recent MK matches. It's much easier to root for the underdog, when you've got a connection with the villain of the piece! Davis would pick up the win with Close Your Eyes and Count to Fuck, but both men came out better off following this one. All we need now is for more promotions to start booking McKinnan because he's only going to benefit from further ring time and exposure.

WrestleHouse Stat // Mark Davis remains undefeated one on one in FCP, having previously put away Kyle Fletcher in June 2017, Kay Lee Ray in December 2017 and Clint Margera this May.

WrestleHouse Scramble Match // 

Chuck Mambo def. "Session Moth" Martina and El Phantasmo and Drew Parker and Charli Evans // 

Pinfall

A well-placed and welcome scramble match, as Chuck Mambo finally got his chance in Wolvo and completely owned it, alongside strong performances from Martina, El Phantasmo, Drew Parker and Charli Evans as well. Particular moments that I noted down were Phantasmo's rope walking escapades, which I don't think could ever not be entertaining, as well as a strong sequence with Martina and Evans, who both put on impressive displays. A couple of slip-ups here and there, including a nasty blockbuster from Mambo, but it's rare to have a six-way bout at this pace without something going slightly awry at some point.  It was pleasant surprise to see Mambo so dominant in the victory as he cleared the field with a series of moves in quick succession including a dive to the floor before a top rope splash was enough to put Parker away. A fun change of pace from regular scramble finishes, which can come off a fluke, this seemed to be a way of establishing Mambo as a regular roster member going forward.

WrestleHouse Stat // This loss means that still Martina's only FCP victories in England were shooting Chief Deputy Dunne with a nerf gun and in a three-way that involved a stuffed giraffe as one of the participants. 

Singles Match // 

Tyler Bate def. Daisuke Sekimoto // 

Pinfall 

Whilst it was a very good and extremely physical encounter, the real strength of Tyler Bate's victory over absolute unit Daisuke Sekimoto was the groundwork that had gone in across the previous couple of hours. Each singles match on the show followed a similar pattern, with one performer having to fight from underneath (Scott Davis, Omari, MK McKinnan) whilst the other (Jordan Devlin, Kyle Fletcher, Mark Davis) dominated the majority of proceedings, before the underdog was unable to overcome the odds. That meant that when Bate hit a gorgeous spiral tap to pull out an unlikely victory over an opponent that was bigger, more experience and had shown to be a consistently stronger boi, it felt like a much bigger moment than if the match had been consumed in a vacuum. 

The match itself was a meaty affair with the Big Japan star using strength and size to control, absorbing almost all of Bate's offence (including some big chops). With a much more considered pace than the rest of the card, this match took it's time to tell the story, holding the crowd more through the presence of the performers than a blow-away series of action, especially in the early goings. It was refreshing to see Bate back in a role in which he performs so well, as he got plenty of time here to show the fighting spirit and guts that saw him rise to the top of British wrestling, with some delightful facial expressions as he looked to find a way past Sekimoto. For me, I would've liked to have seen Sekimoto go in a little harder when the two were exchanging strikes, as Bate's chops almost always came across as more impressive, when it felt like Sekimoto's should have been the exclamation point on the exchange, whilst I think the bout could also have benefitted from a gear change down the stretch and perhaps one more good near fall. Overall though, this was a very good conclusion to the show, that tied things together nicely and provided a brilliant and rare opportunity to see Daisuke Sekimoto perform in England.  
WrestleHouse Stat // One on one Tyler Bate is undefeated in Fight Club: Pro since All the Best in February 2016 (a loss to Pete Dunne at the Planet) with Daisuke Sekimoto joining a list that also includes Will Ospreay, Jeff Cobb and Travis Banks (twice).

ATPW Scale Rating // 

7/10

A lovely show once again from Fight Club: Pro who have real hit a rich vein of form since Dream Tag Team Invitational. Whilst this show didn't have the stand out match that other shows this year have had, everything seemed to hit around the good to very good range, with nothing that really dragged the show down. The pacing was some of the best I've seen FCP this year, with the right matches opening and closing each half and the scramble match coming at just the right point to clear the palette before the main event. The story told throughout the show was also a masterful piece of booking that could easily be overlooked. I touched on this in my Bate vs. Sekimoto review, but it really does need bringing up again, because it's not something that I can remember happening in FCP for quite a while. 

Review by James Marston

Photo Credit - The Ringside Perspective 

The Non-Fan Review // DEATH HOUSE from Project Mayhem VI

*Photo Credit - The Ringside Perspective*

This is an "unsanctioned deathmatch" - with lots of swearing. It's also a tag team match, two on two, and a crowded one given that the ring is a LOT smaller than the WWE version.

First, Drew Parker and Ricky Shane Page enter - one is a large man in a black leotard, while the other appears to be the Joker with a ponytail. He loses the white facepaint before the match starts. Shame. It's his most impressive feature.

Then strange horns blare. The audience start to sing along to the music (I don't recognise the tune, I'm afraid). Is someone else coming? Drew and Shane pace the ring for a while. Then, at last, we see a big bearded guy and a chap with a white labcoat and a hockey mask. They go by the band name of "Callous Hearts" and they have their own ring. If they have individual names, I'm unable to hear them over the music.

It's like one of those awkward meetings when you don't confirm the details beforehand and you and your date are waiting in different places.

Suddenly everyone runs from both rings and meets in the middle, amongst the audience. There's a brief fracas in the crowd. Chairs are thrown, as are punches, but it's hard to make out what's happening. This is camerawork so shaky it would not be out of place in a Jason Bourne film. The big guy in black (Shane or Drew, I'm not clear which is which) is slapped around by one of the Hearts (the guy in white, though he's lost his mask and coat and now looks barely recognisable - if I didn't know better, he could be someone from the audience).

While Drew/Shane is dragged back towards the ring by one Heart, Shane/Drew is tackled to the floor by the other. I think. The light here is dreadful, and there seems to be only one camera tracking two separate fights. Badly. As Ponytail crawls away, the other Heart throws a chair at him. Ponytail dodges, but it's two on one here. Where's the big guy?

Here he comes! Then Black Heart throws a folding chair at him and he hits the ground. Black Heart shrugs to the audience before returning his attention to Ponytail.

White Heart, meanwhile, is taking Big Guy back towards the ring. There's time to smack his head into some metal railings first.

Ponytail is now meekly following Black Heart around the set as White Heart continues to smack Big Guy around. The two pairs catch up to each other. White Heart calls Ponytail a bad word and shoves him down to the floor. Then he picks him up, smacks his head into some scaffolding and kicks him.

So far, Shane and Drew have been a bit rubbish. But the Big Guy is finally doing something useful as he intercepts White Heart and gives him what looks like a cuddle. White Heart screams, especially when he's manhandled by his, er, man handle.

Meanwhile, Ponytail has caught Black Heart and is trying to make him eat barbed wire. It doesn't go well. The Big Guy comes by with what appears to be... no, that's ridiciulous. But the audience agree - "he's got a cheese grater!" Which would be more impressive if Black Heart didn't simply steal it from him and use it to give him a shave.

A short distance away, Ponytail is punching White Heart. Whitey responds by throwing Ponytail into the railings. He then slaps his thigh, which apparently causes the other guy pain. I don't know how that works.

Big Guy punches a metal drum, then limps after Black Heart. White Heart has stopped for a beer. When Ponytail asks for one, he gets slapped. But with Big Guy coming out on top, White Heart goes to his mate's help and punches the Big Guy down.

There's blood all over Big's face now.

White Heart (ugh, those terrible trousers!) starts rearranging the security barriers while the two guys in black continue their brawl. The big guy is unable to resist as the two Hearts take him under an arm each and then flip him over their heads and into the barrier, which has been arranged like a very uncomfortable ramp, complete with barbed wire. Big Guy shouts out in pain.

I've no longer got any clue where Ponytail has got to.

As Big Guy crawls off his metal bed, still yelling, the Hearts enter the ring. Looks like Ponytail is already there, crawling along as though trying to stay out of sight - to be fair, given how this "match" has gone so far, the ring is the place that's seen the least action. Who'd think to look for him there?

With the Big Guy out of action, Ponytail just stands there and takes it as the others take turns punching him. The nipple tweak is particularly unsporting. Ponytail then learns why so many wrestlers eschew long hair as Whitey drags him along by those long luscious locks, and then introduces his forehead to the metal of the same security barrier as before. Those wire bits can be sharp. Ponytail says a rude word.

Things suddenly take an unexpected turn. Mounted in the corner of the ring and slapped a little, you'd expect Ponytail to go down fast. But then Whitey takes a run up and hits the post as Ponytail darts away. Then Black Heart charges in and Ponytail darts away again, the two Hearts colliding in the corner. Where the hell did that come from?

As the two Hearts argue, Ponytail dives in to take advantage - bad idea. They're not so distracted that they don't see him coming, and he's soon thrown back into the post and slapped a little more. Black throws himself into his opponent, leaving Ponytail winded on the mat again. White steps out of the ring while Black goes for an unusual pin - he seems to be holding Ponytail by the eyebrows.

White returns with some sort of implement. But what's this? Is that Big Guy I see returning to the ring? It is! White is clobbered to the floor, giving Ponytail the opportunity to break free of Black. The Drew/Ricky pair (I wish I knew which was which) swap partners, ready to do something to them both, but the Hearts reverse their move - simultaneously throwing both of them into the fencing around the ring. It splinters like it's made out of matchsticks.

The Hearts (five, six) pick up sticks and (seven, eight) put the other boys straight. This seems to involve laying sticks against bare skin and hitting the sticks. I vaguely recall this being a thing at school with plastic rulers.

The Hearts decide to team up again, but the same thing happens again - the victims reverse the throw and it's the Hearts that end up in the now rather pointy wooden barrier. This is probably why WWE uses the traditional ropes - much less dangerous... The Drewrickies take the opportunity to push sticks on their enemies' foreheads. Well, Ponytail just uses his hands. I guess he couldn't find a stick.

Big Guy clobbers Black, then invites his friend over to assist. Together, they throw Black into the corner and a fresh bunch of kindling. Black screams in pain and then crawls out of the ring. Meanwhile, the Drewrickies team up on White and sling him out of the ring, head first. There's some scattered applause from the audience.

Since the Hearts don't seem to be coming back, the others go out to get them. Ponytail helps White to his feet, gives him a quick punch and then gets him in a bear hug from behind. Meanwhile, Big Guy (still with a face covered in blood) seems to be carrying what looks like a pane of glass. He carefully props this up in the ring and goes back for something else.

In the few seconds the cameraman was distracted by this, Ponytail has lost his advantage and is about to be shown the benefits of scrubbing your face with barbed wire. A quick elbow to the ribs puts White off, and he runs away into the crowd for beer.

Big Guy has found... I'm not sure what it is. Looks like a collection of white planks all bound together. Regardless, he literally walks into White coming the other way and gets booted in the stomach. White picks up the thing. Ooh, it's a collection of poles. They sound like metal... or... fluorescent lights? Oh dear. Big Guy backs away as White pulls one pole free and advances. He places the pole against Big Guy's forehead and headbutts him - the impact snaps the pole in twain and leaves Big Guy reeling.

Ponytail picks this exact moment to walk back in and gets kicked in the shins. He drops to his knees. White picks up another pole and does the same again. He picks up a third pole, ready to go again... but Big Guy is back on his feet and kicks him to the midriff. He grabs the pole, ready to do something 'orrible, but then Black reappears (where's he been hiding?) and now Big Guy is the one being molested by a pole. This particular one is put between his teeth while White punches him. The third punch shatters that pole. I think they really are tube lights. Not what I'd recommend for a light snack.

Ponytail struggles to his feet, attempting to help Big Guy up. The crowd chants something - Lucifer? You Sit Up? I have no idea - and then the Hearts are back. Black kicks Ponytail away, who so far has been about as effective as a Teletubby, so he can carve his initials into Big Guy's head with a piece of broken lightbulb. White does the same to Ponytail. There is more blood.

Black changes tactics, now trying to insert the lightbulb into Big Guy's hand in an attempt to replicate stigmata, or something. White takes Ponytail and his lightbulb into the ring. Having tried and failed to turn him into a unicorn, White goes back to his favourite trick of headbutting lightbulbs into dust against his opponent's forehead.

Outside the ring, Big Guy yells a lot. But is he reaching for something...?

Whitey comes back with a white bag. It seems to be filled with something, as he's using it to clobber Ponytail around the head. He tips some out - it looks like gold dust? Golden somethings, anyway.

I don't know what's been happening outside the ring but it's all change. Big Guy is on his feet and clubs Black with a fluorescent lightbulb. It shatters into dust and Black drops to his knees. Meanwhile, White is carrying Ponytail on his shoulders, but drops him after a few too many elbows to the face. Ponytail fights back, forgetting he's a Teletubby, and White turns his flying leap into a 69. Ponytail struggles for freedom - after getting an extreme close-up of those ghastly trousers, I'm not surprised. Whitel then begins walking him around the ring like a wheelbarrow, inexorably closer to those gold things from his sack.

You know, I think they're drawing pins.

Ponytail gets to crawl his hands through the pins, and then Big Guy comes to the rescue. Ponytail is now being held up at either end. But what's this? Black sneaks in behind, and kicks down at those much abused hands. The Drewrickies fall into the pins. White then throws Ponytail into the pins, and Black uses a flying kick to push Big Guy into them.

Our wrestlers suddenly realise they are actually supposed to be wrestling, and Black attempts to pin the big guy. He kicks out and breaks the hold. Ponytail reaches out feebly to White, who kicks his hand away. There's a brief moment where both teams regroup, and then Black goes for a charge at Ponytail in the corner. Ponytail gently tosses him out of the ring. Then Whitey decides to get mean and slap Ponytail around a bit. This includes the positively lethal move of holding a stick against his forehead and then tapping the back of his head. Okay, then.

The Big Guy crawls back into the ring (I didn't know he'd left!) and is "helped" to his knees by White, who decides the best way to bring him round is to wrap his legs around Big Guy's head. Ponytail is not impressed, coming in with a surprise flying kick to send White sprawling. Black returns, not impressed either, and throws Ponytail into that pane of glass that Big Guy brought in earlier.

I'm not quite sure what happens next. It looks like Big Guy tries to help Ponytail up, and then Black half flies, half slides into him. Big Guy sails across the ring into the corner post. Black pulls him back in, then goes for another pin. It fails.

Everyone stops for breath before they crawl away from each other.

Black decides to get creative. He positions Big Guy in the corner, props him up with a stick AND a lightbulb across his chest and goes for a charge. Big Guy moves aside and swings down with the bulb. Goodnight, Black Heart. Though I think he just took out the cameraman instead.

There's a shocked pause. Ponytail and Big Guy stare at each other in horror. The Hearts... I have no idea what they're up to. More camera guys run to their fallen comrade's aid. The crowd begin chanting about the Pope's morning ablutions.

Then it's back on. Black charges into Big Guy, who reverses the throw and drops him to the mat. Whitey charges in and there's a quick tussle before the two men spin and Big Guy lands hard. Ponytail comes in swinging, but misses. He picks up White and tries to throw him but it doesn't quite work as intended. Ponytail tries again, picking the dazed and fashion-unconscious Heart up before flipping him over his head and into the mat behind him. It's a cool looking move. It also doubles as an unconventional pin, but White easily shrugs it off before the count expires.

Ponytail exchanges a quick word before climbing the corner post for a flying leap - which, as always, goes horribly wrong. White moves away and Black is waiting with another lightbulb. Swing and SMASH! Ponytail is left red-faced and embarrassed. No, wait, that's not embarrassment. That's blood. Black swiftly picks up the helpless Ponytail and slams him into the mat, which is now covered in so many shards of glass and drawing pins that it must be an even more painful experience than normal. Time for another pin? Not the drawing kind. But in comes Big Guy, pushing Black away with a flying punch before the countdown can hit three.

Big Guy is really narked now. White moves in and gets a punch to the face for his trouble, then thrown into the corner. Big Guy mounts him on the ropes ready for an impressive throw - but Black smashes something into his face (a bit of lightbulb, perhaps?) and Big Guy goes reeling. While he's gone, Black clears some of the detritus away - or sweeps it together? I'm not sure - before picking up the feebly struggling Ponytail and throwing him back onto the mat.

Now White picks up Ponytail and tosses him back down like a sack of potatoes. There's no fight in this kid any more, is there? Both Hearts pin him down. One! Two! But no - Ponytail jerks free. The fight continues - twenty minutes in now. But where is the Big Guy?

Never mind him - while Ponytail crawls away, White's gone underneath the ring to pull out a FREAKING AXE. Seriously?? Ponytail asks him to be reasonable as he (very sensibly) backs away. Quickly. He climbs up the gantry holding the match banner, while back in the ring Black returns with what looks like a folding chair. Ahh, the stalwart of wrestling weapons...

Ponytail is trapped up top while White climbs after him, slowed a little by one hand holding a FLIPPIN' ENORMOUS AXE. Have I mentioned the axe? He does the sensible thing of punching White in the head as he comes closer, though trying to pull his nose off is more successful. White drops the axe and falls back.

Big Guy returns from nowhere and has a go at White, but it doesn't go well for him. Whitey climbs back up the gantry (sans axe) while Black does some interior design work in the ring - though I think all those boards and chairs and whatever else he's gathered together will prove to be very bad feng shui. White discovers that climbing up just leads to getting punched again. Lucky for him that Teletubbies don't punch very hard.

None of this impacts on Black's grand designs in the ring. He even politely asks for donations of chairs from the audience. He seems to have made two benches out of some chairs and some plywood boards. Whatever for? Is he building a fort? Shouldn't he be wrestling or something?

Satisfied that his work in the ring is ready, Blacky climbs up the other side of the gantry. Ponytail seems to spot him too late. The two trade feeble punches at the top before Black picks up his rival and - ah, now I see what those homemade benches are for. Both men spin down into them, breaking all Black's hard work, but Ponytail takes the brunt of it. The crowd return to the subject of the Pope's bowel movements.

Big Guy returns to the ring, as does White. The former greets the latter with a boot to the head. Big Guy helps Ponytail up, clearing the ring and giving Whitey another boot to the head on the way. He then arranges two chairs with a pane of glass between them - only losers use plywood, right? - before giving White the same head-between-my-legs treatment that White gave him earlier.

Black breaks up the party, but his efforts to lift the Big Guy are too weak. Big Guy shrugs him off, punches him in the face and lifts him up over his shoulders. But not to throw him into the glass pane - oh no. There's a whole row of those fluorescent lightbulb tubes waiting in the ring. SMASH!


Big Guy proudly shows off to the crowd while, behind him, White is getting back up. Big Guy turns to fight but gets a fist in the head. You should have been watching him! White follows up with another glass tube to the head - how many of these things do they have?! - but his efforts to chuck Big Guy into his own pane of glass backfire. Big grabs the charging Heart and flips him into the makeshift glass table. SMASH!

I feel sorry for whoever has to clean up all this stuff.

Astonishingly, White is the first up. He pins the Big Guy to the mat, there's a count to three and... is that it? Is it over? That was a bit sudden. All four men seem to be in immense pain. But they're up, and they're hugging - the two Hearts in victory (painful, painful victory) and the Drewrickies in (just as painful) defeat. And then the two rivals acknowledge each other, all enmity forgotten, before they leave the arena.

Summary:

This was a long and brutal fight, but not entirely dissimilar to the WWE ones I've previously watched. They even have the same folding chairs. We have the same ghastly outfits, the same overambitious moves swiftly reversed, the same level of overacting. But WWE was never this bloodthirsty. Drawing pins? Lightbulbs? Panes of glass? Barbed wire? It's ludicrously violent, like Tom and Jerry tagteaming Wile E Coyote and the Roadrunner, and just as believable.

I'm afraid this match doesn't quite work, but not because of the match itself. As a member of the audience, I'm sure it would be thrilling (not least because you might end up in the middle of the fighting). It's the logistics that spoil it - the word to describe the filming of this match is "chaotic". I'm pretty sure braining a cameraman with a lightbulb was scripted (it was just too perfect) but the opening section was so choppy and confused that I had no idea what was going on until the match finally got into the ring. It was some time before I realised they even had more than one cameraman.

The story too lacked cohesion. To start with it seemed to descend into an immediate brawl, and wrestling was forgotten in favour of throwing chairs and experimenting with cheese graters. Then they seemed to remember it again at the end and this brutal, bloodthirsty match was won by a simple pin. What was the motivation for all this? Are we supposed to think these guys are rivals who hate each other, or is there a prize at stake? Who are meant to be the villains here and who are the heroes? A lot of this could be cleared up with some simple commentary, but I'm already missing the badly acted storylines that surround the WWE matches. Fighting for Santa or over a luchador mask may be ridiculous but it gives the fight a purpose that seemed lacking here.

Drew and Ricky are an interesting pairing (if in completely different weight classes - the big guy was carrying the fight most of the time) but it's the Callous Hearts that really work here - they have the look, the cohesion and the sadism to make a great villain combo. For that alone, they were worthy winners.

As for me, after all that shaky camerawork and confusion I'm going to take some headache tablets and go for a lie down...

Next time for Andrew // 

The Hardy Boyz vs. Edge & Christian in a Ladder match from WWF No Mercy 1999

Written by Andrew Williams